Protector's Archetype

A List of Lessons from 2008

2009-01-13T16:19:00.002-07:00

I fell off the face of the earth. Life just got in the way. My parents came to visit immediately after Christmas, I went up to Williams for a snow weekend, and now we’re looking at houses (it is the perfect time to buy).

Even though 2008 is long gone, and 2009 well under way, and we’ve only lived in Phoenix since September, we’ve learned a lot about ourselves and each other.

So here’s the list of major things we’ve learned:

1. Marriage is AWESOME. You get to wake up next to your best friend every day. What could be better?
2. Even though a given geography sucks, other factors can make a situation fabulous.
3. Fashion is important for a first impression, and so is asking for what you want.
4. It pays to live in a place where walking is a possibility, it keeps you svelte.
5. Education means nothing, as degrees can be purchased for peanuts and most are only worth what value they bring to your life, and sometimes they’re more negative (debt and no jobs).
6. Wealth and culture is all relative – there is such a thing as a trashy rich person, and a sophisticated pauper.
7. Nothing compares to a manual sports car, especially when you’re dodging drunks and snow-birds on the road.
8. I need a left-of-center theological church with a relevant service and more than 5 people, with a varied format. I don’t know where this exists.
9. Friends are awesome, and even if you’re going to be in a place for a year or only 5 months, it is absolutely necessary to cultivate them.
10. A cart full of fresh produce is equivalent to the cost of 2 people eating fast food, but it’s a thousand times tastier and better for you.
11. Tea is better in the morning than coffee (for 50 billion reasons not the least of which is acid).
12. Sometimes we have to do things for the people we love that are not always the most comfortable, but they are the best choice for both people involved and they provide the most opportunities long term.
13. Houses in Phoenix are cheap right now. Come and get one!
14. Christian and I can get whatever we want if we ask (which is both bad, i.e. makes us feel slightly guilty sometimes, and good, because it makes things easy).
15. Things always fall into place, even if it’s not the place we expected.
16. YES WE CAN. And we did.

Those are the top 16 lessons. If I think of anything else I’ll let you know.

P.S. I do have pics of the nativity. I keep forgetting to load them. Don’t hate me, they will get up.

P.P.S. “The Women” is a fabulous movie. Watch it if you have ovaries especially (though others are welcome and encouraged too!).

Dark Night of the Soul - 1

2008-12-09T15:48:00.003-07:00

I've begun reading Thomas Moore's Dark Nights of the Soul, which I find to be a fascinating read. Even the introduction is rich with allusions to a variety of different mythologies and archetypes (so much so that I might be reading the work of Joseph Campbell's biggest fan...). It may have been this rich text that called to mind so many situations in my own life where his writing (and guidance) could apply.

The dark night is a time of rebirth, a cocoon or chrysalis where we move from being mere bodies into becoming souls. It is a maturing and transforming process. This echoes some of the conversations we had in our small group regarding times of trial and change and suffering - it was frequently a time of suffering or change where transformation and growth occurred in our lives. The death of a friend or a family member would often be the foundation for a new era of life.

Right now I feel I am in the middle of a dark night. It is painful and difficult because at the moment I feel like one era of my life is going through it's death pangs, while another is aborning. On the one hand I look at pictures of a single friend's recent birthday party and I think, "wow. I wish I could go out drinking and dancing and engage in general merriment like that." I lament the loss of those times, however I would not change any of the choices I've made in the past year, least of which marrying my husband. The obligations that come with living with someone, separating myself from my family, and creating a home with my life partner is a jarring yet simultaneously luminous experience. Add this together with the confusion I feel regarding my professional direction, and the mix becomes overwhelming.

There are times where it feels as if I am stuck in a sea of possibilities with shut doors, and others where there are not even walls. I pray that my lack of knowing and this incubation into a new era will lend some direction, some new step where God is calling me to go. If you are experiencing a similar situation, I wish the same for you.

There's no one like me! Well, maybe Penelope...

2008-12-01T22:21:00.003-07:00

I first noticed the box at the movie store and thought, "This is kind of quirky. I like the actors... I should see this some time." Granted, I tend to go for more large screen type epics. Theatrical effects, both live action stunts and CG environments are generally my cup of tea. Perhaps it was the stockings, or the scarf, or the funny coat, I'm not sure. I've seen people review this movie and say that the premise is all flubbed. However, when I look at this main character I see myself just out of high school.

You see as much as people like to say that Christina Ricci does not make a hideous looking character, the reality is that at first glance most people will stare. We could go V for Vendetta style and cover the main character with scars, but usually that gruesome of an appearance gives us a more angst ridden tale which tends to end tragically. No one wanting to watch Penelope wants tragic. They want love, discovery, and a personal journey. They want a real life fantasy.

I've noticed that movies and stories have taken a recent twist towards the half way. People don't want something that is all fantasy. It's like having one of those wretched drinks at Starbucks that is all sugar and no coffee. On the other hand, when you're going to Starbucks you also don't want straight coffee - no black coffee here! People don't usually want straight reality. They don't want realistic blood, death, mourning, or unrequited love. When the world outside seems so depressing, so awful, people want a little hope. They want it to seem tangible. They want a cappuccino or a mocha. They want a latte with some cinnamon sprinkled on top.

I give you Penelope...

I could see myself, and so many of my friends as Penelope because she was quirky, cool, talented, and told repeatedly by outside forces that she wasn't perfect. Even the most gorgeous of women (and even men) often feel like they are ugly or unattractive, maybe on the high side of things - just normal.

Even though I had some people telling me that I was beautiful, I inherently found my flaws and they became huge gaping holes in my appearance. I noticed what was wrong with me before what was right. I thought I was an ugly, inconsequential person. Perhaps this was one of the main reasons why I chose to do what I did when I was in junior high and high school - the crazy stockings, the quirky dresses, the vintage and second-hand clothes. Perhaps that's why I dyed my hair and cut it into all kinds of crazy combinations.

At some point in college, or in between schools (ah, transferring, a necessary evil) I came to know myself for what I was. I began to see myself the way others saw me.

Santa Barbara solidified that knowledge of myself, for better or worse. It is only now outside of the place (perhaps forever) that I can see what it did to me. Some of the things were small (walking taller), others large (like being comfortable playing with make-up and high-heels. I blame Larissa for that. ;-)). You may laugh at this set of realizations, but they had a severe impact on me.

Appearance is as strongly effected by who you are on the inside as the outside. When you feel like you are small, inconsequential or unattractive, you become so. When you feel beautiful and confident and amazing, you are equally so. So if you walk into every room expecting all eyes to at the very least glance at you if not down right leer, they will. I know it for a fact. And if you walk into a room wanting to be confused for a man or a woman (the opposite of your apparent gender) you will be. I also know that for a fact (think highschool, halloween, greaser costume in the guidance counselor's waiting room - it was terrible).

Penelope is wonderful. The character is a pleasure - you grow to really love her. She is beautiful with her nose and ears (to the point where you miss it at the end, just like Beast in Beauty and the Beast). It is also the only movie in a LONG time where my heart leapt with the romantic chemistry (I won't explain exactly as I think you should go see it, but I'm sure you'll understand what I mean once you have).

The moral of the story: Own up to how amazing and wonderful and beautiful you are, with all your faults and snaggle teeth and warts and wrinkles and moles. Who cares about your annoying laugh or the constant throat clearing or the fact you always chew with your mouth open?!

You're great just the way you are.

God thinks so, and I do too. :-D

Metamorphosis - Human into Child of God

2008-11-14T18:25:00.003-07:00

My mother (though it could have been both parents) once told me that maybe the Son of God thing has been read all wrong. Perhaps Jesus was just able to actualize himself, truly became human in a way that no one has that made him the Son of God. That is to say, that if we chose, we might be able to do the same. Actualization. Truly Human. Running on all cylinders.

People talk about how we have all kinds of hidden talents and abilities we simply cut off from use and therefore they atrophy from disuse... making it nearly impossible to truly be ourselves. I'm thinking of all those as my father affectionately calls them, "hooby-dooby" traits. That is abilities like empathy, telekinesis, telepathy, clairvoyance.

Certainly there is a degree of choice involved to let certain abilities go to the wayside - so yes, it's okay to choose to not pursue music as a career if you don't like loud late night outings 6 days a week. But to forget, to never open your mind to some of the things we SHOULD be able to do... those capabilities that we have that have become weak with disuse, it seems almost criminal.

A lot of people (and groups) claim to have the "prophetic voice" for this day in age. I think that's impossible. They may say things that sound similar to prophecy, but really, can a prophet call him or herself a prophet? Is that allowable? What qualifies a person as a prophet?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the obvious - if you haven't at least TRIED to actualize your humanity, you cannot be a prophet. Some of those gifts and talents we all possess to some degree must be developed at least in part. Then once you have honed some of those skills, then you can begin to act. Take your dreams and act on them. Hear and see the signs and respond to them. Act according to God's will on behalf of people and this planet and then you may yet prove to be a prophet.

I have a long way to go towards actualizing my humanity. If I pulled an A.J. Jacobs and attempted to discipline myself in systematic ways I may come closer. Practice after all, makes perfect. If I continued working with my lucid dreaming and kept a dream journal diligently I may come closer to understanding the currents of our society and spiritual will, or maybe just the currents of myself. It's hard to know.

What I do know is that the more time you spend on something the more like that something you become. So if you spend most of your time practicing being grateful, you become grateful. If you think of yourself as a loving person, you become more loving. So it follows, if you begin to see yourself as an actualized person, you would become actualized (or at least somewhere closer than you are now).

The busy work you do during your day is not enough to keep you from this if you really want it. The kids, the pets, house, money issues, car issues, and spousal relationship are not enough to keep you away unless you want to be kept away. Make time. Spend time with God. Spend time creating and listening and meditating. Spend waking time dreaming. In one month's time I assure you, you will definitely see effects.

1001 Thoughts: Directions to a Calling

2008-11-12T21:24:00.005-07:00

You may remember I was strongly considering seminary. I've decided to hold off on applying. I say this knowing that in 5 minutes time I may come to a completely different conclusion, and it is for that reason I think I cannot and should not go. With a mind so torn and a heart so hesitant, it seems it is not the right place or time.

That said, I know even as I told a friend of mine today, that ministers are not only made but are born. In fact, in many ways, it is much more likely to be born a minister than to be made into one. As a mentor and friend told me, one is a minister through action. A person can act a pastor without having the title "pastor" (just as, unfortunately, the opposite can hold true).

My love has always been to spread compassion and to move and transform conflict. My personal choices have always been around social change and understanding between people. Now it seems even more so, I find the difference between when I talk about seminary (which makes me anxious) and when I talk about interfaith dialogue, peace, and social change through interfaith cooperation.

As I explore some of the thoughts in Zen and The Art of Making a Living I find myself hopeful by the fact that yes, pursuing interfaith dialogue and cooperation is a fool's errand. It is so large, and so wonderful people find it to be too good to be true. Yet there are small interfaith groups sprouting up all over the world and all over our own country. It was only 100 years ago that Vivekananda spoke in Chicago about moving past petty differences and seeking those points of similarity between faiths. Some thought he was silly, others thought he had a point. At the time, nothing really became of it. Now we have movies like Kingdom of Heaven showing both poor interaction between faiths and successful cooperation between them. There is no doubt we have a long road ahead of us, and there is equally no doubt that we have traveled far.

Some might question my personal conviction regarding my own faith. "How can you say these others have any validity? You must not be a true Christian." To them I say this, have you truly wrestled with your convictions? Have you battled your demons of doubt and come out triumphant? When you have done this, then you are truly a person of your faith. A person born into a faith who has never questioned their faith completely and fully, cannot question a person who went out into their desert for 40 days and came out carried by angels. If you have not questioned, you cannot claim. If you cannot claim, you are not. You may tend towards a faith, but you are not ready to live the faith. You are not really ready to strive to become a better person. You are not ready to seek a deep and thoughtful relationship with the divine.

God is too large for any one person to know completely. To assume we know God's entire will would be foolhardy and presumptive. To assume that my way is the only way is foolish and presumptive. To say that I have the spiritual patent on truth is preposterous.

I do believe in my heart of hearts that Jesus' teachings and YHWH's Kingdom are the best and most direct path to God and spiritual truth. I will not deny it. However, I cannot say that Christianity is the best way for Indians, Chinese, and Egyptians. Cultural context is important. Geographical history is important. Family is important. Politics (sorry it's true) are important. Socio-economics are important. All these factors contribute to a situation where one faith may be a better (or direct) path to the Divine.

In the end, it is not which path we took, but it is the fact that we took a path at all that matters.

In Zen and The Art of Making a Living the author talks about how each person must interact with 4 Jungian archetypes (or primary myths). One of them, and the most important beginning, is the Hero. NOTE: It turns out "hero" and "heretical" are etymologically related. Huh. It makes me feel a little better about my fierce independence.

The Hero is the one who journeys. He (or she) strives after the idea, the goal, the dream. It may be a "fool's errand" and the Hero is ridiculed because often the thing worth striving for is the thing that seems most unlikely to the socially conventional. However, with persistence (especially through another archetype, the Warrior) it can be realized. Even through failure the Hero is successful because they journeyed. Heroes lay themselves out bare and naked and vulnerable. The journey can be a lonely one, especially at those times of fierce ridicule. Still...

I've said before and I'll say it again. You may not be happy doing your calling. BUT once you've heard your call, you can't be happy doing anything else.

This is a prayerful poem I wrote today:

Heart of hearts,
Find me like a heat-seeking missile
Destroying the false
Pretense
That which would lead me astray.
Leave only that of the purest call
Lonely
Hauntingly
Leading me
Embracingly
I become.

Just have to say...

2008-11-12T21:21:00.002-07:00

WOOOHOOO!!! OBAMA NATION!!! OBAMA LAND!!! TRUTH AND FREEDOM AND SOUND JUDGEMENT AND CLEAN CAMPAIGNS WIN!!!

Perhaps this new administration will utilize the international support for good... I pray to God even from within a state where the same old unconstitutional local Phoenician politicians preside...

Strangers in a Small Group

2008-11-01T20:57:00.003-07:00

We're in a quandary. We're strangers in a strange land. And we feel it.

It hit home in the past few days. We're surrounded by a number of imports from California, so you'd think we might feel relatively comfortable despite the natural discomfort related to moving to a new place. However, this is not Santa Barbara. The bumper stickers for Obama are few and far between (as are, it should noted, McCain stickers). Fortunately there is a great deal of cultural mixing here, as there should be in a large city. However it is still a large city and therefore Phoenix has nooks, crannies, and neighborhoods.

While people are sweet and helpful, we feel like we have to hide who we are. In some ways it is worse for me, in others it is worse for Christian. Over the course of my life I have often felt like the heretic in the room. This means that I am relatively used to being careful with my words and how many toes I step on. At other points though, it becomes unbearable.

For example, the other night we went to small group. While we did share quite a bit, there were some issues that arose that made us uncomfortable. For someone like me who was raised in a community where all were welcome, I was taught to be sensitive with my words. It's very easy to be careless with one's words and thereby alienate half the room by using a single slur or poorly chosen phrase. When a person is surrounded by people who seem to be like them, it becomes easy to make fun or be careless, as there is a perceived level of comfort. The reality is, differences are much deeper than skin, sex, or the football team you support. Fundamentally, as people of faith we must choose words that help and do not hurt. We must use words that open doors rather than pigeonhole and stereotype. I should say that we all forget, we all make mistakes, and in a good community (as evidenced in small group) we reconcile and move past things. The mistake and reconciliation actually made Christian feel more comfortable than previously (this may be because he is more openhanded with his language than I am).

Another issue, which may be the difference of denomination (I can't be entirely sure) is the assumption that everyone in the room has more than a few basic beliefs in common. Some people find the belief that Mary was a "virgin" to be fundamental and incontrovertible. I would not. I'm not sure Mary was a "virgin", in fact, I'm pretty sure there was a simple change of a Greek word by a person after some time to "virgin" from "maiden." "Maiden" of course opens up a whole can of worms that most people don't want to touch with a 50 foot pole. After all, it's rather difficult to stomach that the person our faith surrounds could have been the illegitimate child of a rapist, or Joseph, or some other random Hebrew boy (or Roman for that matter - Mary was from a poor family and thus vulnerable). The only things we can be absolutely certain about are these: Mary was Jesus' mother. Jesus changed the course of history. God made wonderful things happen because of him, and the faith of millions rests on this man.

Another thing was the phrase "the holy spirit comforts". God is not comfortable. I do not think faith or religion or even your relationship with God can be comfortable. It is necessarily problematic, frightening, frustrating, and often discouraging. Sometimes on the other hand, it can be joyful to the point of pain, overwhelming, touching, and wonderous. A friend of mine (actually several) have told me often I appear as a person taking the drug Ectasy. Of course, I've never taken that drug (nor have I ever had the remotest curiousity about it) but I do find wonder in the smallest things in a day. A butterfly on an industrial street can make me stop and marvel (with no doubt a ridiculous smile on my face) which often makes companions shoot me incredulous looks and inspires nervous laughter. Apparently they aren't able to see what I see.

I feel like an alien. Christian feels homesick for his consistent and deep knowledge of people and places in Southern California. He also feels a bit like an alien, but more than anything, he feels like he is lying. He feels like he is lying about who he is, who we are, through omission. I told him I would answer any question a person posed (which I did in small group despite the obvious discomfort this caused me) I just don't want to rock the boat unnecessarily. Though I may have done so just now.

Our confusing experience caused us to consider other questions. What is the purpose of a small group? Why do we have it? Is it to learn? Is it to share our feelings and get to know one another? Who decides what we discuss? Who should decide and why? Should it be a free for all?

At one small group at my old church in New York the adults (I know this through remote reconisence missions rather than direct experience as I was rather young) met around a single question every two weeks. The question was "How have you experienced God in the past two weeks (it may have been every week...I can't remember exactly)?" I think this might have been around the time I started learning to enjoy and marvel at a single butterfly. I know that was when my dad began doing the same.

Small groups are a good thing. They force us to interact in ways we would not do in church, or possibly anywhere else. They're somewhere between Bible study, Sunday School, club meetings, and dinner parties (think 0,0 on an XY graph). They force things to come out that may have never come out otherwise. I feel after just one session, I might not only rock the boat if I'm not careful, I may even slingshot everyone out into shark infested waters. With any luck, we may be swallowed by a whale.

A Hobbity Hoy or something else...

2008-10-26T14:45:00.002-07:00

Sometime during my first week at work it hit me. This is obviously an in between time. There are all kinds of obligations and requirements I need to meet, so it makes sense that I'd have a job that would allow me to meet these. I like the job (well, the training for the job) and I like the people who work there. They're nice, even if many seem to have opposite political and theological positions.

The more that came out about me to the groups, the more clear it became that this is a resting point for me. A stop on my journey meant to be relatively short lived before making the next jump to whatever I'm meant to do. I really am working a job just so Christian can get through school. Once he has his paper (and possibly a BA from my employer, or at least a few credits) all bets are off. Although, this would likely coincide with a great move anyway. Christian is hinting he wants to move over seas, this appeals to me as I find I generally enjoy being in new places surrounded by new things and conquering new problems. Once things settle down and break into a routine all too similar to a rut, I break and run. It's over. Everything is done.

I took a personality test (or I should say a couple) because a friend's blog sporting his results inspired me. It became clear as I reviewed results that I'm on the relatively right path (they suggest career paths and mine were largely: pastor, public speaker, writer, editor, musician, theologian etc...). So my current incarnation as an Academic Advisor is certainly a spring board and a jumping off point. My "hobbity hoy" or something similar. A "hobbity hoy" according to my great grandmother and my father is "somewhere betwixt a man and a boy." Obviously I'm not talking about a male person but my career, my purpose or path. Apparently it's male. But seeing as I'm not particularly interested in learning how to make rose bushes out of fondant, it might be the correct gender application.

Sigh.

Another thing which is "betwixt" is Christian's job situation. Our finances are still shaky (a recurring theme for many Americans, and indeed people all over the world). I'm not sure when my check will come through (hopefully the end of this week) and our reserves are nearly dry thanks to our car tires being replaced. The pressure to take overtime right now is high, despite the anxiety created by a semester start this week. Needless to say Christian feels guilty even buying milk.

Our church and our new friends are a small source of comfort. Game nights at friends' houses are sooo good after pizza and milk! Our praise/worship band is totally taking off (some how we recruited Christian to playing djembe, and inspired someone to play keys, though that person may change from week to week. Next Sunday we'll also have a bassist!). Hopefully we'll be able to attend a small group session on Thursdays at a bandmate's house.

Things are shaky, but at least they're standing up. We may be wobbly but we're not lying down. It's a small comfort, and also source of anxiety...as if at any time everything could crash down around us. May God provide buttresses all along our path...

HURRAY!

2008-10-20T21:23:00.003-07:00

I started at my new job today and I have to say I feel really good. It was nice to have seat time in the manual car (even though the ride wasn't PERFECT to and from work - I may have startled a few people with my accidental antics). It was nice to have introductions to the job which confirmed that yes I can do it and yes it does look like a piece of cake (for me). It was also nice to have introductions to people at the job who seem like we could be friends (always a good sign). And having ample opportunities for advancement doesn't hurt...

Your prayers and positive thoughts have definitely helped! It's so good to know that people are out there wishing us well... and I hope I can return the favor (if not specifically I'll at least send out positive thoughts into the world and general prayers for all those who have been rooting for us).

Now there are just a few more things (like the apartment getting straightened out and Christian getting a job not to mention my acceptance to Fuller... though what should be will be...).

I started A.J. Jacobs' book and have to say even though I've just begun the introduction it already makes me laugh and then immediately switches to an eloquent strand of words the next paragraph. Lovely. I'll keep you abreast as I continue...

Peace and Blessings,

A

The Christian Prerogative

2008-10-20T21:14:00.001-07:00

As a child growing up with two ordained ministers as parents, I was exposed to many discussions surrounding the Church. Faith was regularly discussed during dinner. There are many things I gleaned from my parents’ conversations some of which I didn’t come to understand until I was much older. Some things however, have always been clear to me. From the earliest I can remember, I was taught that as Christians we have a few jobs. One of them is to be a steward of the world and everything in it. Another is living your faith. A third, which nicely rounds out this group, is that faith without works is dead. So we’re supposed to take care of the world by living our faith and we live our faith by acting in ways that illustrate the teachings of Jesus. Unfortunately, very few Christians seem to do that. Quite a few people seem to have missed the boat entirely.

Let us examine the central point of Christian belief: Jesus is the Son of God and the path of salvation is through him. There are some who say in order to be a Christian all you need to do is to accept Jesus into your heart, and the rest will follow. This kind of thinking leads to inaction by default. If all you need to do is to accept Jesus as your “Lord and Savior” then you don’t need to change any of your actions. In other words, you say you have accepted Jesus and are a Christian, yet you continue to behave the same way you did BEFORE you became a Christian.

Some groups argue that your actions on Earth have NO bearing whatsoever in Heaven. It is only through God’s grace that you are allowed into Heaven. This again leads to inaction. There is simply no incentive or motivation to realize faith through actions with this belief.

Well perhaps if you never knew Christ and you committed atrocities all your life until your dying day and then suddenly saw the light, God might forgive you. I don’t know. It’s clear that an element of grace is present when we consider the parable of the Prodigal Son or the Workers in the Vineyard. Certainly you’re allowed a few mess ups if you claim Christianity. Jesus and God seem to be rather forgiving when we examine the Gospels. However if you claim to be a Christian and yet willfully go against the Word, are you really a Christian? In my estimation, if you’re not at the very least trying to follow Jesus’ instructions, you do not have the right to claim Christianity (Fortunately I’m not the one waiting at the Gate.).

Christmas Eve and Easter service attendance is not enough to save you. We aren’t saved through a proclamation. We aren’t saved through ritual sacraments, services, or reading the Bible. Salvation does not come through prayer. There is only one path to salvation and that is living like Jesus as best as you can. It means loving people, or rather having compassion for your fellow humans and acting out that compassion daily in specific ways. Living like Jesus requires thinking about everything you do and considering how your actions impact those around you. It means conserving energy and resources. It means spending time on people rather than spending money on things. It means an attitude of gratitude. It means voting for politicians and policies that will facilitate social justice rather than voting for a politician who tows the party line. It means speaking truth to power. So when a corporation does something that is detrimental to the community or to people anywhere you stop supporting them. Instead you support a company that is for people and for community. Following Jesus means acting on behalf of the poor, feeding the hungry, caring for the sick, and imprisoned. So when the truck comes around your neighborhood asking for donations right before Christmas, by golly you donate. You volunteer to stock shelves at the food pantry. There is no piece of scripture that is clearer about how Jesus would act than the Sermon on the Mount and the Beatitudes. The groups of people listed are of utmost importance and should therefore be at the center of our actions in this world. It is through our actions that we are saved. It is not enough to profess faith. It is not enough to stand idly by saying “others are more qualified” or to go to small groups or to join the church band.

It is our obligation as Christians to claim our faith and to save the world, one person at a time – one life at a time. This does not mean altar calls, but rather means life changes. You are literally reborn when you become a Christian because you choose a completely new life. You commit yourself to a life like Jesus’ and renounce your past bad habits. When everything becomes sacred, and there is no separation between the divine and the earthly, and every action is an act of faith and of worship, then we are truly saved.

It is an ongoing process, and the most difficult task set before us. It is tempting to fall into step with popular culture and forget our responsibilities. It is tempting to walk away and ignore Jesus’ words, the yearning of our spirits, the call of God, and the choice we made. This is why the Church exists. It is a place where those trying to follow Jesus’ path are able to nurture and support one another in their journey. It is a faith bound in community and communal action, so it makes sense that we come together weekly to check up on each other, at the very least, if not see each other several times a week (or even daily).

Don’t lose hope. Though the Church is sickly, it is remains a testament to Faith’s endurance. We remain. We are here to help each other, following the Way, the Path to Salvation. Our less than perfect attempts get us there nonetheless as we have only ever sought the journey.

Thank GOD we are allowed to walk with HIM.

Inundated: Issues & Thoughts

2008-10-13T16:45:00.004-07:00

First and foremost, we got a refrigerator. WOOT WOOT!! So we finally have milk and eggs among other exciting things (like fresh produce) which has definitely added excitement and variety to our diet.
This past week we had an onslaught (comparatively speaking) in our social calendar. So I met a bassist for possible music projects, made a friend through a friend and actually went out on Saturday night. Then of course we had our typical Sunday thing (with church involving bloody metaphors... guest speakers leave much to be desired, but sometimes can't be helped) involving church and lunch afterward.
I'm practicing guitar like I said I would, and somehow I dragged Christian into music too, because the church had a djembe no one played and so now he is practicing drumming. We have a church band practice scheduled Wednesday early evening. WOOT WOOT! The excitement just never ends...
I am applying to Fuller. Oy. I hate application processes, and of course it causes you to unearth loose ends, such as the fact that UCSB charged me tuition for this quarter even though I graduated last June. That means I couldn't order a transcript... needless to say I cleared that up, but it still doesn't help the fact that my diploma is being sent to my parents' old address (which who knows if it will be forwarded or what!).
I still don't have my absentee ballot. Christian got his. Thankfully he was able to vote. Hopefully mine will go to one of the possible addresses and then get forwarded on to me in Phoenix. I know CA will go to my preferred candidate, the issue is more that I just wanted to vote. It's an exciting year. It's an important election. I want to be a part of it, and who wouldn't? It bothers me that so many people aren't allowed to vote... like felons. Why shouldn't they be allowed to vote? The possibility of not being able to this round is upsetting to me, and it makes me wonder why they should receive second-class citizenship. Jesus gave people who had made mistakes the time of day, shouldn't we?
Christian applied for jobs and I had an interview this weekend. I have another one this coming weekend. Cross your fingers that something wonderful will happen.
I'm freaking out about my instruments. It's so dry here the wood/finishes are under pressure. Humidifiers? A bowl of water? What should I do to remedy this situation? I'm going to the guitar shop today to buy something for inside my guitar case, but the harp is just out...
Prayers and well wishes are still encouraged and well received. So far they seem to have made a HUGE difference (the frig is a case in point).
I'm reading Genome: The Autobiography of a Species in 23 Chapters by Matt Ridley. It's an interesting read with all kinds of points of thought and theories about genetics, humanity, science, history etc that I had not previously considered. After that it's A Year of Living Biblically with some Harry Potter mindlessness in between.
The weather has gotten cool enough that a sheet is useful in sleeping. Finally!

I hope everything wherever you are is looking up, despite the crashing global economy and all that comes with it. Remember, tomorrow is another day, and with it comes the possibilities of wonderful change, adventures, and beauty. Thank GOD!!!

Because I HAVE to...

2008-10-06T21:36:00.011-07:00

These are courtesy of a fabulous thread on FARK:

The Sensible Social Movement

2008-10-05T20:44:00.004-07:00

Protesters anger me. I say this, while feeling simultaneously that some protest is necessary. This is a generalization, but it's true.

I don't like random people on the street talking to me. In fact, I'd rather they not come up and talk to me at all. If you're going to talk to me about cruelty to animals, I think you should consider talking about cruelty to humans (the ones down the block, in this city, country, and world).

Don't hand me any little pieces of paper. I will throw them away. The environmentalist in you SHOULD KNOW THAT.

Social movements these days are often spearheaded by a single major organization (or sometimes a group of organizations), most of which are non-profits. I'm not saying I'm anti-non-profit. But these guys are mostly to blame. Sorry people, but once you let the cat out of the bag, it's over. Once you start, that is, you are responsible for the actions of your adherents. Their actions reflect back on you.

Some of the weird campaigns are begun in the sponsoring organization (say, PETA for example) but many come out of fringe groups of individuals loosely associated (if at all) with the central sponsoring entity. What does this mean? It means you've got a bunch of wackos running around making your cause look like it's for nutters. And you're letting them do that to you.

Control.

Mitigate.

This is the NAME of the GAME.

There are strategies and tactics organizations can use to insure there is a separation between individuals closely associated with you, and those who are the nut jobs. This involves providing clear training sanctioned at a head quarters, focus protest groups, organizers trained at the head quarters, among other things which are time-proven tried and true avenues to effecting change.

These groups who "say" they want changes to occur but aren't employing these time-tested methods don't actually want change. They want the status quo. They want their organization to continue as it's been, and frankly they're wasting your money, time, and energy. If you want things to change, then either join the board of that non-profit and force them to change, or come up with a more effective team (and I will help you do it, because I revamp, brainstorm, and start up well).

Be sensible. Be smart. And if you want to keep on keeping on, do NOT talk to me on the street. I may punch you. Or ask for your name and address.... no telling what I'll send you in the mail. :-D

Art/Design: Multi-purpose Table

2008-10-04T17:11:00.013-07:00

We looked everywhere for a table that would fit in our apartment and serve all our needs (somewhere taller than a coffee table, but smaller than a typical kitchen table). We finally decided to make our own table which is finally finished and in our living/dining area. These are the following stages (each of which could have worked on their own, but only the last really works with our interior).

Once we assembled all our materials, Christian put together the table, with a little sanding help from me. Next came painting, which I chose to do in three layers.

This is the first layer (mostly complete except for the top corner). I used acrylics (because I didn't feel like dealing with disposal issues associated with oils). Several different reds (alizarin, cadmium, and brick), blues (medium, ultramarine, deep), and a burnt sienna.

I wanted to get a playful undercoat that picked up on the reds in our house and tied the cooler subsequent coats to this theme of red (and now green as you can see in later layers).

This is the second layer, which is loosely based on Indian floral motifs (often found on semis) depicting versions of the four seasons (Counter clockwise from upper left-hand corner Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter). Between the central flower/Sun and the seasons on the left is a cloud and rain, on the right, a fire/flower. Colors used were burnt sienna, yellow ocher, white, and cadmium deep yellow.

Obviously this type of design can only work in certain decor situations (a hippy-funky-60s-retro type, an ethnic themed vibrant colored indoor situation, a bright and lush ethnic garden, or a bohemian drug induced eco house). Needless to say, this wouldn't really fly in our place. So what to do?!

We bought a can of satin finish leaf green and I sprayed randomly across the top, and thoroughly coated the legs. Then I took forest green, ultramarine blue, cadmium medium yellow, and a dash of white to mix a variety of greens to accent and pattern the spray. I tried to incorporate some of the earlier layers into the accented patterns.

Christian then coated the whole table with with 3 coats of clear poly to insure the condensation from our drinks wouldn't screw up the paint (among other things) and VIOLA!!!! We have a unique and beautiful table fit for our living space.

You'll notice the earlier layers really allow for the top pattern to come together (and add some nice surprises for the viewer upon closer examination).

Note: If you know anyone who is interested in decorative arts, or would like to commission a piece, I am for hire. I can design an unfinished piece of assembled furniture or a finished piece of furniture, in addition to wall murals etc. Just let me come and see the room where it will be located, and give me any specifics (such as palette or content, surreal through abstract) and we'll discuss price.

Under and Over: A Prayer Request

2008-10-03T20:57:00.004-07:00

This past week Christian got over his flu, and transferred it to me. Needless to say, we've been taking turns being holed up in our less than ideal apartment stewing in our own diseased filth. Yummy.

It put a little bit of a wrench in our job hunting, in addition to other external factors. I applied to a few colleges in a variety of positions and two have gotten back to me. One of them expressed interest, but I was unable to get a hold of them to schedule an interview (after they requested one). The other wanted to pursue me but then the next day sent me another email saying, "Oops. We found someone for the job. We'll keep your resume on file because the law requires us to." Nice.

Christian hasn't been having much luck either. He got stuck on working security for whatever reason, however he has a goatee. Apparently goatees don't provide the right image for most security sites - they require you to shave. Neither Christian or I like him without a beard. Chatting today, we thought it might be better for him to do computer repair work. Even if he was working at a lower hourly rate (80 is typical, 40 is what he normally charges) he'd be doing better, working less time, than he would at a security job. We'll see if I can't convince him to post something around the 'hood. There's also an internet cafe opening less than 5 minutes drive from our house. That would also be an easy thing for him.

The main problem is that AZ has been so hard hit with this financial crisis. Lots of people have lost jobs, or aren't making enough money to make ends meet so they're taking up another job, or they're being pushed jobless into the market. This flood of highly qualified people with years of experience isn't exactly good for people like Christian and me.

It's really taken a toll on our overall morale. I may have started finding homes for different items in our apartment, but frankly we're worried whether or not we'll be able to stay here. Christian is worried about even being able to attend school, the whole reason for us moving out here.

I wrote to Cambridge Drive (a wonderful group of people, and if you're in the SB area you should definitely check them out) telling them our woes. In a day's time I had gotten responses telling me stories of their early married years and assuring us they'd pray for us. Which is actually why I'm writing this here, I'd like you to pray for us too. I believe in the power of prayer. I know it works. I know positive thinking works, but if you increase it exponentially, it's power increases by the same fold. A small measure of security (no pun intended) would probably be all we needed to see us through this less than stellar time.

My plan is to call/email/harass employers I've sent materials to, as well as call all the temp agencies in town. I figure, even if it's just temporary, it will still be more income then we have now. Maybe it will give me a chance to work on my book (grin).

Blessings to you and yours.
May God's peace wash over you, and God's love carry you in your times of trial.
May you find the support you need exactly when you need it.
May any suffering or trial you experience be an avenue to strengthen and grow your spirit.

Amen.

God Hit Me Over the Head With a Guitar.

2008-10-01T16:12:00.005-07:00

It seems like this is all one big test. I was thinking about it this morning lying in bed with our little black fan moving the hot bedroom air out (hopefully providing some relief from 90 + temperatures). I don't know if you've seen that show, Joan of Arcadia, but I feel a bit like Joan. Basically I'm coasting from one set of instructions to another, however it seems to be revealed. Some people might think I'm crazy (Bill Mahr for one) but it's only because they don't understand.

You see, my spiritual journey started rather young. When my mother was in her third trimester pregnant with me, she was ordained. By the age of four I was standing on dining room chairs "preaching to my people." By 7 I felt like I could "hug" God, and I started having conversations with, or monologues to God. Sometimes I addressed Jesus. I think it was more depending on how I felt at the time. I was baptized when I was 9, on Palm Sunday. I would have been baptized at 7 if I could have, but my father didn't think I was ready.

During junior high and high school I tried very hard to distance myself from the church, which is what led me to Bard College, the overall spiritually darkest time of my short life. There was a generally hopelessness on campus. For those people who have high EQs, it is toxic. Some places retain the emotional content of things that occurred in that location. It was like this at Bard. You could feel all the lost and tortured people - one of the dorms had been an insane asylum, another had terrible suicide stories associated with it. The woods were associated with rapists and murderers (or so the stories went). But even before I heard the stories, it felt dark. It felt oppressive. There were times there where it felt like I sat on the fence between light and dark, moments of unimaginable peace and others of deep despair. Somehow I knew I had to leave. I knew I had to go back to church.

I went on a mission trip the summer after my sophomore year to Costa Rica, Nicaragua, and Panama. While I was there I had deja vu regularly and often times knew things before they happened. Some people may chalk this up to "hooby-dooby shit." The thing is, I'm not a new agie kind of person. I'm firmly grounded. I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. I swear to God about that. It was during that time I realized I was at a crossroads. Other people on the trip had visions about my choices, about what I should be doing. It became clearer and clearer that there was a major choice here. I could return to Bard or I could take a leave of absence and follow what I thought God was telling me I needed to do. I chose the latter.

I've always been asked whether or not I wanted to be a pastor. It's been the on-going question. When I started speaking, teaching, and leading workshops, more people began to ask that question. Over time it has become more and more persistent. In the past five years I've had more dreams, more deja vu, more directions. Like I said, I just follow where it seems I'm supposed to go (I even had a dream showing me that I should marry my husband).

Even Phoenix was a set of directions. I tried a couple of other paths that I thought should work, but it seemed they just weren't meant to be. You see, either everything falls into place for me and it is clear I should be doing something OR nothing does, and it's clear I shouldn't go in that direction. Moving to Phoenix mostly fell together. Now it just seems like a test. Either that, or I haven't been as true to my directions as I thought.

Fuller Seminary has an "outpost" here in Phoenix. When we were getting ready to move, I was finally resigning myself to the possibility of becoming a pastor. I wasn't sure what was available in Phoenix, but I thought I might be able to do some distance learning while Christian was doing his MMI thing. For some reason Fuller kept popping into my head. I looked at their website, and low and behold, they are here. Strange. Oh, and by the way, you can start during their Winter term (January 2009). I haven't finished the application because frankly I'm worried about being able to pay for that, rent (and basic necessities), as well as Christian's schooling.

I was worried about finding a church out here - so often church searching takes forever. Many times people never find a place that fits. But we were here a short time before the pastor of a church we really liked went and contacted US! If that's not divine intervention... I don't know what is.

How does this relate back to Joan? Well, in one of the episodes God asks her to take up guitar. I'm pretty much in that spot. I've always shied away from it because of my father's ridiculous skills. I never felt like I could quite measure up. That said, I have a beautiful little guitar made by a small furniture maker turned luthier. It sounds goregous (it's not a Lowden, but it's lovely). At lunch this past Sunday that same pastor asked me if I played any instruments. Meanwhile I've been posting on Craigslist that I was looking to join a band. The first serious offer I get loves my voice, and they really want some guitar. Seems it's time I finally learned to play.

We can't know how our actions will effect the lives around us. We just listen for God's voice everywhere and follow, trusting it is all done to bring about the Kingdom.

Church Search 5: Cold Water Church

2008-09-28T15:11:00.002-07:00

Earlier this week, after my Church Search 3 posting, I received an message on the Facebook from Chris, the pastor of a new church plant in Avondale. You see, I had joined an emerging church group on the Facebook simply in order to post to the wall that we were looking for a church and did anyone know of a group meeting in our part of Phoenix. It seems Chris had posted a similar message about a month earlier. Needless to say, when he saw my post, he must have researched me a bit because his message was very thoughtful:

"We are a small new church plant that has fairly traditional services in a school. By traditional, I mean we meet sunday mornings, we sing songs and someone, usually myself, preaches. My own roots are charismatic and non denominational but certainly there are folks from diverse backgrounds with in our group. I might label myself "post-charismatic" or even confess being a "recovering pharisee", meaing I know I haven't figured it out and I have some of the same frustrations you blogged about. Feel free to check out these websites, maybe listen to a sermon, and find out if we'd be worth checking out. We may be too far. I do want you to know none of our folks wear guns to church and we do not and will not hand out political propaganda. Hope you find a community where you can grow in faith, hope, and love."

After we read that, we both thought "Yeah, we should try this place." After all, we really have nothing to lose at this point. Well, Avondale is not so far by Phoenix standards (30 minutes from us) so we planned our Sunday morning out, set our alarm clocks and braced ourselves.

Cold Water doesn't have it's own building. They meet in a school. This was not a problem for us, though Christian was surprised. "You can have churches meet in schools? Isn't that against the separation of church and state?" I wasn't surprised as there is a very cool church in Santa Barbara that also meets in a school.

When we got there, there was a banner at the outside gate, and another showing us which part of the parking lot to use (the entrance to the multi-purpose room is in the back of the school, so it makes sense to park in the back). As soon as we entered the building there were kids of a variety of ages running around and playing. This caused us to smile.

In the middle of the room were several rows of folding chairs. At the front on the lefthand side there was a keyboard, several mics on stands, and a guitar in a stand. In the center was a cross-shaped podium with mic. On the right were tables with a lap-top, sound board, and a digital projector (this pointed towards a section of white wall).

Almost as soon as we walked in, we were greeted by Chris. A second or so later another church member came up to talk to us, and within a few minutes, everyone had said hello and asked us a few questions. Everyone was somewhere in their mid-twenties, at the max early thirties. Most of the members were new transplants from California, newly married, and/or had small children. Also a number of children from the neighborhood had come (they were probably between 8 and 12 years old). There was a table to the side with water, juice, fruit, and coffee cake. Church started late (which we were informed is normal) and began with singing a number of songs. They were mostly songs I knew, and it was clear the music was being led by the person who played a musical instrument (we're talking a small church plant that is still trying to figure out its groove. There's potential, and room for improvement). In between songs there were some prayers.

Then Chris got up and it felt as if he was speaking directly to us (though it may have been that he was just inspired by some of the thoughts from my blog, I'm not sure). The passage was from Numbers where Miriam and Aaron are criticizing Moses for taking a Cushite wife. He talked about how this was not a passage to highlight that God is going to punish us because he likes punishing us, or that we should be punished, but rather that suffering happens so we can move forward, not backward. Rather it serves a reminder. He was careful to mention that women are important and share leadership through out the Bible (I really think he must have read that other post) and ironically this is the one passage where Miriam has screwed up (but he noted, she did a number of other GOOD things through out the Exodus story). He also emphasized the entire encampment waits for her to get done with her time-out (7 days of quarantine) and they leave once she comes back.

He went on to say that criticism should happen in a time and a place where it is necessary and helpful. There are several questions we should ask ourselves when we are contemplating criticism. For example, is it hurtful or helpful? What would God have us do? Are you criticizing the person or the person's actions? (grin, Christian couldn't remember but suggests "Write things down" "Ask someone else if this is a good idea" "Flip a coin"). Mostly, the point was to have filters on what you say and how you say things, i.e. pragmatism.

When Chris was talking he had his security blanket (some papers with notes at least, if not a full manuscript on the podium) but mostly he walked around and talked very personably and realistically about the passage, tied it to Jesus' teachings, and to life in the 21st century.

After church we talked with members, helped them put away chairs etc, and were then invited to join their lunch group (Dad, sound familiar?). We went to Red Robin as there's really only chain restaurants in the area and at least one of our number was veggie (I think) and apparently there are veggie options at Red Robin (I could be inventing this because it was discussed in non-specific terms, but implied).

At lunch we talked about all kinds of things. Christian discovered a number of the guys at the church have LAN parties regularly (at least once a quarter). They had all kinds of "nerd" things to talk about. Meanwhile I chatted with the women about callings, jobs, kids etc. From the middle of our time together towards the end we talked about wine, food, and of course, a whole lot of church. It was pretty clear from all the conversation that everyone was accepting and interested in diversity of opinions, and that we were safely in an emerging kind of setting.

On the car ride home Christian and I talked about our impressions. Something came up that I hadn't really thought about previously, but is sort of a no-brainer. You need to feel like you have potential friends at a church. Why would you join a church where you wouldn't really fit in or wouldn't make connections? At Cold Water, we felt like we could be friends with everyone. It was a positive welcoming environment. There are definite kinks to work out, as would be expected with a new church plant, but there's an overwhelming amount of potential, and as Christian and I discussed on our car ride, we felt like we could bring our non-church friends to Cold Water (and they'd like it). Plus we're interested to see where it will go in a year's time. We'd both feel comfortable returning, and we both feel like we could contribute to the overall growth and health of the church community.

So what does Cold Water get on our wine spectrum? It's not the wedding at Cana, but it's probably an 8 right now, and with a little nurturing and caring, it could very well be a Beckman Purisima in a few years.

Church Search 4: Paradise Valley Community Church

2008-09-28T15:07:00.002-07:00

This is basically a non-entry. It was the second attempt to attend this church, and again was a failure. We had been given several times, went to a couple of them on Saturday night, and no one was in the parking lot. I don't know if the services had been moved to someone's home or something (as the times we were given were for a new start-up semi-emerging church service).

Needless to say, if you want to start a church, you should have a public way to communicate your meeting times. It should not reside solely with the pastor. In fact, a sign on the church would be a good idea. As it stands, PVCC (I know) receives a non-rating, because they couldn't even get us into the door.

"Bow String Closed, Use Arrow Drive"

2008-09-24T12:32:00.005-07:00

This past weekend, as mentioned in my last post, we were able to go up to Sedona/Flagstaff. It was one of those kismet things. We thought we weren't able to because of finances, but then we landed a sweet deal - a friend of my in-laws has a condo in Sedona (on a golf course, of course) and said we could stay there no problem. So we ended up with about 3000 sq ft all to ourselves. We ate some good steak (sorry veggies, I like meat) at a random Route 66 themed steakhouse in Williams, some awesome pie at another place in Williams and slept like rocks (grin) on Saturday night. Spending time with Christian's family was a blessing. Even when our youngest nephew was squealing at the top of his lungs, it was refreshing to be around people we know care about us.

When we finally did have a chance to explore Sedona, the place was under construction making it feel inaccessible. We did check out Tlaquepaque, took a bunch of pictures (which we would totally upload if we could find our camera cable), and had a beer sampler at the brew house. Unfortunately it got to me, so much so that the elevation, dehydration and beer combination caused a migraine. It was the first time I ever saw flashing lights/sparkles with a migraine. Awesome.

A point of interest for us was the fact that everyone in Sedona was "comfortable." It was tourists and second (or seventh in the case of McCain) home owners. Everyone was very attractive, and no one really gave us a second look, or if they did, it was done covertly. It felt like Santa Barbara in many ways.

Needless to say, the return to Phoenix was a bit jarring. The heat not only bowled us over (Flagstaff being at 7000' was nearly COLD) but coming back to the apartment was depressing. Our stuff is still all over the place (by my standards). Many items (like my poor harp) haven't yet found their home. We still had no AC (although today we were given a window unit that has insufficient capacity to cool our entire apartment). Our refrigerator still doesn't seal. Our soap dish in the shower is still not cemented into the stall. We still don't have a vacuum (though the cost of a good vacuum is somewhat prohibitive) and I'm not sure how much good it will really do considering the mess the previous tenants left.

The only benefit to our return on Monday was meeting with a Christian couple who have connections to my dad's church in Santa Barbara. They were lovely and our conversation was encouraging. In fact, all of our dinner dates with couples in Phoenix have been somewhat encouraging. The only problem is they all live 45 minutes to an hour away. Sigh.

My favorite time in the day has become our pre-dinner prayer. It's helped to put things in perspective. Whether Christian or I are praying, we always try to emphasize the good parts of the day, and to re-frame the bad, thanking God for the whole thing.

So even when Bow String is closed (a road in Sedona), at least there's Arrow Drive.

Church Search 3: Lamb of God Bible Church

2008-09-22T21:49:00.002-07:00

As I will note in a later posting, we were able to go north to Flagstaff to spend a weekend with Christian's parents and his sister's family. So instead of pursuing our church search in Phoenix, we were invited to go to our in-laws' church. At the outset I decided that no matter what the church was like, it would be helpful in determining exactly what we were looking for. I asked Corinna (my sister in-law) if it would be okay for me to blog about the church, and to my delight she said I should and to be completely honest and truthful.

Sweet.

After we were in the church, I was very thankful I had gotten her permission beforehand.

Lamb of God Bible Church is a charismatic nondenominational "Bible-believing" (whatever that means/implies... - it's posted on their website) church. The church is set in what looks to be a little strip-mall location, with a large banner sign on the front. We parked behind the building and then walked to the side (which I think is the alternative entry-way, though I didn't explore the premises).

When we went into the hallway, our youngest two nephews were siphoned off to Sunday school (or Junior Church - something of this type) while we entered the worship space (where praise songs were already being sung). My sister-in-law got a sticker for some political thing from the greeter (I didn't pay much attention at the time). Christian and I were introduced to the greeter without much fanfare. She didn't try to give me a sticker (good call on her part I think). We walked down one of the two side aisles to the aisle between the stage (where the worship band was) and the seating. There standing in this walkway was a group of teens singing and motioning along with the music rather spiritedly. We were then introduced to the pastor's wife, a petite woman with short very red hair. She was all smiles and obviously couldn't really hear what Corinna was saying, but she was welcoming despite.

We finally located a row which could accommodate us (which happened to be on the far left - irony of ironies - and to the front next to one of the music speakers). We promptly joined in with the singing which was led by a well-practiced band. The songs were simple, both in lyrics and melody, but seemed to cause quite emotional outpourings from the congregation. They were a little low on substance for my taste. Every now and then the pastor or a song leader would either pray or have a little talk about the songs. One of the prayers mentioned Satan and Jesus' blood covering Jesus' people. Needless to say, my eyebrows raised.

In between songs (and during) there were also many verbal outpourings from the congregation ("yes lord" "alleluia" or some personal prayers) which were accompanied by raised arms and palms or sometimes even kneeling (those young in the front). A couple of songs discussed blood, and one seemed more like a song meant for a lover, which I felt odd about.

The senior pastor at one point during this long praise-sing came up to us and Corinna introduced us. He was all smiles and very welcoming. At another mid-point we were instructed to hug 5 people and say hello/bless them. This was interesting, and worked fairly well. I hugged Christian and Elijah (who felt he needed to count his) and then hugged a couple of nearby women and one woman who was to the side with a walker in front of her. Everyone from the congregation were all smiles and again, surprise surprise, very welcoming. I think Christian saved himself some personal discomfort by extending his hand for a shake before some of the congregants could hug him. This was mildly entertaining to watch.

I should say, besides the band on stage, there were two projector screens, one on either side, a plexiglass podium in the middle, as well as 2 huge "Yes on 102" signs (again one on either side).

After the singing was finished, (or some other inbetween time) there was a profession of faith which seemed okay, so I recited it. Then the senior pastor (whose name I cannot remember because I'm not sure it was mentioned) gave a very complimentary introduction to the speaker (the junior pastor?) Daniel. Corinna told me that his father is a Baptist minister, so he could be long-winded. Hmm.

He started talking about all kinds of things. At first, he seemed to be alright. I couldn't argue with anything he was saying, at first. He was talking about how Jesus was the lawyer pleading our case, drawing out testimony from witnesses to set us free (this is a gross simplification, but it was hardly the bulk of his sermon so I won't spend very much time on this). He then transitioned into how he had a very serious topic to discuss and how he would likely step on people's toes.

This topic was Proposition 102. Seeing as we weren't really sure what that was, it was a bit ambiguous to us what he was getting at. It was pretty clear though after about five minutes. He started off saying that he thinks there are allusions to Jesus throughout the Old Testament (and went on to cite a few). He then mentioned how marriage is discussed throughout the Bible (beginning with Genesis, where he believes Jesus is first mentioned). Of course he mentioned "God created them, man and woman...". This led into a discussion of how society has gone astray and gone into clear rebellion which can be discerned by the fact that 85% of people (a number which came from somewhere I cannot begin to guess) find gay marriage to be acceptable (except he didn't use the word "gay" or even "homosexual" he always said "two men" or "two women"). He then went on to say that Massachusetts (thank GOD ONE STATE at LEAST has it right!) requires kindergartners to read a book called "Heather Has Two Mommies" (this was greeted by shocked sounds from the congregation). He also said that some say female and male genetics are very similar and therefore it's easy to see how homosexuality occurs. That of course implies God made people this way, which Daniel argued this is really not the case (the implication being that homosexuality iss some sort of disease or something). He stated that because as God's people we know the truth, we need to stand up and fight and share that truth (the truth being here that marriage should be between a man and a woman).

Daniel (glare) dropped the problem of same-sex marriage and then turned to problematic straight marriages (well at least he was giving equal air time). He said that 55% of marriages performed in churches end in divorce (again I have no idea where this number came from). He said people marry for the wrong reasons and don't enter into it in thoughtful contemplation (or something to that effect) and that he would not marry a couple he did not think ready (nor would the senior pastor).

He then discussed how the Church was likened to a bride and Jesus the groom, and how marriages between ONE MAN and ONE WOMAN should be similar. This line of logic somehow got us to our marriages (that is any Christian's) is a reflection of our relationship with Jesus and God. Women are supposed to submit to their husbands, and men are supposed to submit to God. If your marriage is a mess, obviously your relationship with God is a mess.

He also said that because women in many marriages don't submit to their husbands, this was causes a lack of satisfaction in them, and this is the kind of thing that led to the feminist movement. If those women had submitted happily to their husbands, they wouldn't have felt the need... apparently.

He concluded that as people of faith, we needed to translate our beliefs to actions (otherwise they mean nothing, with which I can agree). So as Christians we need to "stand up and stand out". We need to listen to what God says to us, open our hearts, and take action (let me tell you I was feeling that statement right then like you couldn't believe).

At some point (which I can't recall) he talked about how Jesus was all we needed and with belief in him, profound miracles could occur (I think this was going back to a song sung during the praise time). He said he knew a lady who had been filled with cancer, and that she was told by doctors that she would die. He said the next time she went to the doctor, they scanned her and she was healed. This REALLY angered both Christian and I because we know so many wonderful people of faith who have died of all manner of illnesses etc "before their time". Someone like that, were they bad? Were they just not good enough? Ridiculous. We can't presume to know God's plan, or the reasons. We can only do and try our best. God takes the good and the bad and works beauty and majesty into this world ("crisis" can also mean "opportunity").

Well, the service was ended with an altar call, which after all the fanfare made me depressed as opposed to joyful (as everyone else was). In any case, a man came forward and they prayed over him etc.

*Deep Breath*

Okay, so basically this man, this awful misled man named Daniel, made me cry. Why did I cry in the middle of this service? Why did I feel the INCREDIBLE urge to WALK OUT (I didn't because we came with Corinna's family etc)?

He missed the boat. He totally missed the WHOLE POINT TO THE GOSPEL.

He ALSO missed discussing or THINKING about the WHOLE REASON FOR MARRIAGE.

Jesus was not a sacrifice. He was not a cow or an offering at a temple altar. His blood was not spilled over the altar or the devotees in some kind of ecstatic orgy. He died to show us the way. His whole message was one of PEACE and RADICAL LOVE. He hung out with PROSTITUTES, TAX COLLECTORS, LEPERS, and DEMONIACS. WHO DO YOU THINK THESE PEOPLE WOULD BE TODAY???? What do you REALLY think he would do? How do you think he would REALLY act here and now?

Homosexuality is not evil. Sorry, but it's not. It doesn't hurt people. It doesn't divide communities (at least not on it's own, hateful perverse homophobes do).

Each person is just that, a person, with their own personality traits, dreams, motivations, fears, strengths and weaknesses. Just as we can't make huge blanket statements about African Americans, Mexican Americans, disabled persons, and people with blue eyes, we cannot make blanket statements about gay/lesbian/bi/transexual people.

How would you feel if the person you loved was in the hospital and you were prevented from visiting them because only spouses and family were allowed in? How do you think it would feel, if because you had brown hair, and your boyfriend had blonde, you weren't allowed to get married? You could watch your friends of same hair color get married, but you couldn't. Why should we prevent loving, compassionate, productive relationships from becoming permanent? Do you think Jesus would say that we should prevent such beautiful things from being in this world? Because, obviously we don't need any more love in this world. We're doing great!

Our world is over-populated. Marriage in this time and place is not about copulation. Same-sex marriage cannot reproduce (unless through test-tubes, which is not exactly cheap or easy).

The argument that heterosexual marriage is best is just false. People are not committed to making things work the way they used to be. I've seen (sorry to step on anyone's toes) committed long-standing healthy relationships in gay couples while simultaneously seeing destructive, adulterous, short-lived relationships happen with straight couples. Hmm. You know, Jesus came right out and said divorce was a sin. I think that's more destructive to communities, children, and individuals involved than same-sex marriage.

As far as women submitting, let's just say that if anything is going to happen, marriage needs to be a partnership. It is not a singular submission - it is each submitting to the other, submitting to the identity of "couple" rather than "individual". One is not the head of the household. Not in this country and culture.

And if women not submitting is the cause of the women's movement (which one, by the way? because there's been a few waves...) and it really should never have happened, I am very concerned about Daniel's mental health. Has he realized that the 19th century ended a few years ago? Did he realize that the word in the original Jewish passage of Genesis is not "helpmate" (whatever the hell that is supposed to mean!) but translated literally is "savior". Yes, Eve was Adam's SAVIOR (thank you Church fathers writing women out of things! You guys are really freakin awesome!). I don't know about you ladies, but I'm pretty sure my husband would agree that I have saved his butt quite a few times, and damn it, it's my job. He'd be lost without me. I think you've had a similar experience, because frankly, it's true. I could continue this line of logic down through that whole story but I think you can draw the natural conclusion - the Tree of Knowledge and the result from eating the apple was a GOOD thing.

So where does this painful experience lie on our wine-bottle spectrum - Christian suggests "I don't spit, but there are exceptions." I have to agree, this was probably the worst experience I could have possibly had in a church setting, as we were basically told we were going to hell (in not so many words) about 30 different ways (Christian pipes in, "We were told how we're supposed to vote!").

If you're conservative, and you like the charismatic sort of thing... you might want to look into this. However, if you believe people should be loved, that there is one God (and not a lesser evil god outside of God's control by the name of 'Satan') and that the Bible is meant to be interpretted for the times, and Jesus' teachings are the standard by which you should measure things (NOT the O.T. or even Paul's letters for that matter) this is NOT the place for you.

May God use all bad experiences and turn them into positive things. May God take the ugly and turn it into beauty, and saddness into joy.

Amen.

Beyond Hoopla & Disappointment: Some Election Rhetoric

2008-09-17T00:06:00.003-07:00

I haven't written very much about politics here. The subject is almost as difficult for me as religion (though somehow I got over that barrier with flying colors). I have written this in response to a note on Facebook (yes yes...I know) and the prompting of an interesting editorial.

There's been quite a lot of talk about all manner of things regarding our current presidential nominees and their vice-presidential picks. I'm not very good about making comments on the political parties (I don't feel either one of them speaks for me, which is why I am registered with neither), and I won't claim to have some sort of hand on the pulse of the times (or even my generation). I will only say this: there are some realities which can be deduced from my seat, or any person possessing some common sense and a bit of logical reasoning.

Elections in a democratic republic should be about the population voting for the candidate who is best for the country, geography, locale etc.
There are certain issues which are more important than others, some of which can be affected by decisions at the federal level. Decisions at the federal level in these issues will have a direct impact on everyone's lives. I'm thinking in this case of war, health-care, social security, and the economy (read more specifically: our trade deficit and our GROSS national debt).
It is in our best interest, as a country, and as people, to vote for a candidate who will use good judgment in his (or her) decision-making process. That is, he or she will use a combination of expert advisors, care, reason, deliberation, consideration, and experience to cast these judgments. It is the correct balance of these attributes that will guide us through the next four years.
It is in our interest to educate ourselves about the candidates as resources and time permit.
It is in our interest to educate ourselves regarding these important issues and how the current state of affairs is impacting people's lives. We can, logically and soundly see just by viewing an American newspaper, understand that the economy is "tanking." We can see how poor decision-making processes have impacted the lives of military families (as well as the lives of hundreds of thousands of Iraqis and Afghans). These things are obvious even to a poorly informed person. It's not rocket science. We're hated the world over.
I have to say it because it has been bothering me to NO END. The current Republican candidate is NOT a family values man. He is DIVORCED. He met his current wife WHILE HE WAS MARRIED TO ANOTHER WOMAN.... He is RICH. He has multiple properties. How can he possibly speak for the average American? How can he possibly know what's going on with people? This party is not a party of the people - it's a party for corporations!!! The Democrats aren't much better, but they are SLIGHTLY better. They have at least tried to address health-care. The Democratic candidate has worked with people laid off from their jobs, where corporations have up and left. He is a self-made man. He has had ONE WIFE. He HAS NOT TAKEN HUGE CORPORATE BUY-OFFS (unlike the Republican candidate). His campaign has been funded by grass-roots donations.
Beyond the more substantive qualities, I must also confess an addiction to the great orator. Obama (yes, there I've said it) can SPEAK. He has the chutzpah required of a leader (and with an even temperament as well as in no danger of dementia!). Who wants a wooden man with the onset of dementia and possibly death (let's not get into the VP conversation. I have to agree with a BET commentator that Biden is definitely "gangsta" and is a senator of incredible integrity AND experience).

I will make a confession. I know and expect some people to vote for McCain. Some people it's a level of commitment to the Republican party (in the same way my mother's family is committed to the Democratic party - if I voted Republican EVER I would likely be disowned). For others it has to do with the Religious Right contingent (though I must confess I feel like that group is putting the cart before the horse on important issues and I strongly suggest a re-examination of the NEW COVENANT!). Still others have the die-hard dream of a small government (as if that would happen any time soon with our 1984esque Neo-Cons) and so hold fast to the traditional line of economic liberalism and localization.

I have to divulge just one more thing - when I expect someone to vote for Obama and they confess they're voting for McCain I feel an overwhelming disappointment and loss of faith in that person. So, if you are more of a private person, do let me have my delusions. I'd rather you never spoke.

Lastly, do take a moment to consider the past 8 years. Do we really want another of THAT?!?!?! If it goes that way this November I will think one or several of the following will be the case:

I will move to Canada and change my citizenship. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll become European.
I will have lost faith with humanity (though I'm not sure I had much faith in the masses at the start).
World War 3 is about to begin.
Terrorism really will have a permanent foot-hold in the Middle-East and elsewhere.
I will be expecting a perfect red heifer (if you don't know, you don't need to...really, but just see below).
The Ultra-Right have it correct. It really is the End of Times.
I will pray several more times daily.

May everything in this time, even the worst and the disappointing be used by God to bring joy, peace, and compassionate love (and perhaps greater thoughtfulness).

-A

Church Search 2: The Failed Attempt

2008-09-14T14:25:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are again. Another week gone by and another few inquiries into neighborhood churches. Unfortunately our attempt this morning was foiled. I had, in our second week here, searched newspapers and internet sites for things to do in a desperate attempt to stem our tide of boredom (as we searched semi-successfully for jobs and household items). I came across a Craigslist posting by a seemingly disaffected pastor who was interested in starting a younger group service of an apparently emergent persuasion. So I emailed him and quickly got a response telling us about two possible times for worship every weekend. Seeing that his church was rather close (18 minutes according to Google Maps is close in Phoenix) Christian and I decided we'd try the 12pm Sunday gathering. Either lines got crossed or the gathering died aborning because we arrived at 12 sharp and NO ONE was there. The church was locked and there was not a car in the lot. *Sigh* This was more unfortunate for us because we were unable to attend the typical church, as most have service before 12 (think: 9:30 to 10 am range).

Instead we drove down Greenway towards an undetermined lunch location. On our drive we saw numerous suburban churches - at least one Chinese, one Korean, and another compound which was called an Indian Mission (Native American, not subcontinental). We saw one church which had posted a 6:30 pm service time, and the building did not appear to be a large scary type. On Greenway at least, the churches said nothing of fire, brimstone, or Satan on their signs.

Christian and I did make an attempt to contact a youth pastor with connections to my father's church... and after our initial email, I called only to get a voicemail and no return call.

Needless to say, we're rather discouraged. It feels as if there is water everywhere, but there is no living water. Apparently Arizona is a desert in more ways than one. Maybe this shouldn't be a surprise considering that a person can walk into a grocery store and see numerous civilians visibly carrying guns. I don't have to mention the current Republican presidential bastion of morality was produced here.

Phoenix is a large city and there are many churches, colleges, and ethnicities represented here. But it is still a city in Arizona and Arizona is wild, and in many ways Republican. Large multinational companies have corporate offices and manufacturing facilities here. There are sufficient wealthy suburbs to satisfy at least the nouveau riche type, if not blue-bloods.

However there is one good thing, which is somewhat related to religion. Sportsbars here are devoted to certain teams. We found one by chance that is devoted to Green Bay and ate dinner while watching their first game. If only we could find the Steelers' bar...

Church Search 1: Beatitudes Sat 5:00

2008-09-08T21:18:00.000-07:00

This is the first of our Church Search review entries. If you ever decide to move to Phoenix, I hope this will be useful information for you. If you never come to Phoenix, I hope it will at least be entertaining. Churches will be rated on the "wine scale." 1 bottle is basically a temple of moneychangers, 5 bottles is "not doing harm, but your not doing anything for us," and 10 bottles is the wedding feast at Cana (aka AWESOME and likely the winner of our search).

Our first church worship experience was at the Church of the Beatitudes' Saturday 5 pm service. The church is in a prime location on the corner of W. Glendale and N. 7th Avenue. It caught my eye because it is a UCC church which I know to be a particularly theologically liberal denomination and the name (which focuses on Jesus' sermon on the mount and issues of social justice). We decided to attend the 5 pm service because we thought it would be slightly more contemporary and have younger faces in the congregation.

I was surprised by the size of the property (large by Santa Barbara standards) equipped with numerous task specific buildings. It was clear by the demographics even in the parking lot that it was a liberal church (think: Castro Street). Fortunately they had placed clear signage instructing newcomers where to go for the service (as it would have been easy to get lost). I was pleased to see a homeless man comfortably listening to his boom box in front of the Sunday morning sanctuary.

When we entered the fellowship hall, a square room with a stage, high ceilings, and stain glass windows depicting theologians across the ages, we were immediately greeted by the female pastor. I was pleased (and not surprised) to see a female pastor. After that another man greeted us (he had an earring, again not surprising) and directed us to sit wherever we liked. There was a meal (potluck, maybe?) tables, and couches. Around the space were displays depicting and explaining a number of different ministries in which members participated or the church sponsored. The ones I noticed addressed poverty, age, and the environment. In addition, there was a large banner displaying the Toastmasters' group awards (apparently a Toastmasters group meets there regularly). We were given 8.5 x 11" sized booklets talking about the ministries, the service, and other random church items.

We sat down on a couch. The man who greeted us upon entrance sat next to us. Another man came over and introduced himself right before the service started, but it was unclear who he was and he only said his name very quietly right before jettisoning away.

The members were mostly older, with a few young faces (who looked to be in high school as opposed to attending on their own steam). They had a projector and a younger looking man operating the computer attached , but he was sitting boredly in front, in plain view of everyone.

A woman stood up behind a mic and a man stood next to her at another mic. They told everyone to stand and gestured for people to clap (good luck with an Anglo crowd!). The music was recorded. Hmm. The next few songs were led by the woman singing and the man played the piano. There was no apparent theme to the subject in the songs or the images on the screen. The images during the prayers and readings changed and did not appear to be related to one another.

The scripture was from Exodus. Snore. The reader gave an editorial speech beforehand as if anyone in the crowd wasn't churched. Uh huh. This seems like a brimestone passage as opposed to the kind of theological meal I was expecting from a UCC church. Hmm. Both of us checked out during that whole deal.

There was communion by intinction, which I took feeling like I needed to in order to participate in some normal church ritual (I did receive the requisite stares for being someone different as I walked down the center aisle).

Finally the jettison man got up and sat in front of everyone. Apparently he is the co-pastor (I wonder is it a married couple? It's not clear from the booklet they gave out). Before he speaks he has a preview for a movie with one of the Owen brothers in it. It looks like a movie I'd like to see. He then goes on to tell a long seemingly unrelated story about some experience he had with a member from another pastorate. He takes a long time trying to tie the movie preview, the scripture, and his ridiculously long and complicated story together.

I know everyone has an off week - my dad always quoted his seminary preaching professor who said you have 1 amazing, 2 good to okay, and 1 terrible sermon per month. I know I've been spoiled by two amazing Baptist preachers as parents, but still. This was bad. He mentioned he had a doctorate in counseling. I think he should stick to that. We both decided we wanted to hear the woman preach, and we had no idea what she would be like.

At the end of the service the jettison pastor gave some benedictory words. Thinking it was over I tell Christian we should leave. Nope - not yet. There's their traditional semi-circle SUNG benediction (which I might add has NOTHING to do with anything that's occurred in the service, but perhaps it was their bid at liturgy maintenance). At this, I'm stuck in the semi-circle next to the inspired reader, and Christian is next to jettison pastor. Inspired reader informs me it's tradition. I got that from the song leader who directed us into the semi-circle, thanks. Christian told me later the pastor APOLOGIZED, "but it's tradition." He shook our hands and thanked us for coming. We promptly bolted (think the Jamaican runner from Beijing).

Sooo... it seemed like this service was a poor attempt at trying to appeal to the emerging church, but really was only speaking to the Boomer generation already in attendance. The church seems to be doing some wonderful things, and is clearly socially minded. Unfortunately the worship experience sucked. "It was like a junior high sunday school experience." So how many wine bottles does this get? We'll give them 6 bottles because their hearts were in the right place and they aren't detrimental in any way. Remember, this is a rating based SOLELY on the Saturday 5 pm service. We have NO IDEA what Sunday morning is like. Attend at your discretion. And by all means volunteer with these people, because it seems like they have a lot of enthusiasm for living Jesus' message just based on their community involvement displays.

Hello Phoenix! (Introductions)

2008-09-08T20:52:00.000-07:00

Hey there! We made it. We're alive, though slightly boiled in our skins in Phoenix AZ. This is to let everyone know the general plan for the next few months (if not the remaining year). But first, a light introduction: Our trip and our first week.

It was long and hot. We got here, pulled up to the Sunny Slope apartment at sunset and on the right hand side of the street was a man seated outside who we now affectionately refer to as "the crackhead." On the other side was our apartment complete with courtyard (of dirt). Christian later informed me he noted the needle and resevoir lying on the asphault in front of our apartment then. This picture was completed by a fried used condom on the righthand side of the doorstep. Winner!!! Needless to say, Christian was especially discouraged by this sight. We went to our hotel room for the night and huddled in the comfort of the AC.

The next day we went back to the apartment in the scorching sun (even at 9 am!). Christian threw out the sharp. His sister and family came soon after and helped us unload the truck and put our place in some semblance of order - complete with a slushy and beer break (for the kids and adults respectively), lunch break, and afternoon ice cream break. Woot woot! It was some time during the afternoon one of our good neighbors (a member of a motorcycle "club") introduced himself to my husband (and later myself). The conversation went like this:

"Hey, so you all are moving in? I'm your new neighbor, name's Sinner." Bite lip, hold breath.
"I'm Christian." Shake hands.

WHAT?? Some of our other neighbors (all motorcycle club members of one sort of another) are Nacho, Stretch, ER, and Shaggy (Shaggy has a half dog, half wolf that he calls "Doggie").

Though the family all fried, it was a good time and Christian and I felt good about our first day. Finding the power still off (this was Sept 1st, a holiday) we stayed another night in the hotel.

The next day we went around buying things we needed in order to make a go of the place and also to keep cool. We still were unable to get the power on (and to make contact with the property manager) so we slept in the living room on top of a sleeping bag with the windows open and covered in baby powder.

I'm not sure when we finally got the power on, but it wasn't as exciting as we thought. The AC still didn't work. So the majority of our week was spent running around North Phoenix attempting to stay cool in either the car, or stores. Friday night was fortunately spent with one of our initial contacts from Phoenix and his girlfriend. This was a reprieve from each other and from the stress of moving. Needless to say, we all had fun.

Saturday was another day spent running around which culminated in our first church experience and our return home. From now on there will be entries devoted to our "Church Search" adventures. More info in the next entry.

When we got home from church, we found our door to be blocked by a Harley Davidson, in addition to a flock of Harley Davidsons - at least 3 or 4 clubs were being represented. We located Shaggy and he found the culprit who after some fanfare and joking all around moved his bike. We were then taken by Nacho and introduced to all the riders as the "New Neighbors." Seeing as we aren't tweekers (speed/meth addicts) they were excited. The Unidos Motorcycle Club you see, came into this apartment complex and turned it completely around. They fixed up the house on the property (turning it into the club house) and kicked out the drug addicts from the property (as well as dealers from the street). It seems, our apartment complex is the safest place to be in the neighborhood. Luckily for us, we've become the pet young married couple of the club.

Cool.

Beginning with Ever After

2008-08-14T13:47:00.000-07:00

Christian and I got married last Friday. Woot woot! We were informed by guests that it was one of the (if not THE) most spectacular wedding ever. This is not because we had silk napkins imported from India to dapple the reception tables (we didn't) or because we had a magician walking around entertaining guests as we ate (again, sadly that was a different wedding). Rather it was because it was so incredibly honest and it was fun for everyone in attendance. The ceremony had awesome music groups(none of this Pacabel or wedding march business!), the officiant was thoughtful in his words, we wrote our own vows, and there was congregational participation. The reception had a playlist we had developed during the cocktail and dinner hours, followed by an awesome funk band that had everyone dancing. Everyone I spoke with during the course of the event and the week following has said they had a great time. My bridesmaids looked fabulous, the groomsmen looked fabulous, and I think I heard every table at the reception full of laughter. It really felt like the best start of our life together we could possibly have.

Afterwards people always talk about brides feeling the come down. Though the initial daze has worn off, I'm far from being depressed. We wake up every morning next to our best friend in the whole world and it makes us both grin from ear to ear. We're planning our next steps (moving to Phoenix AZ) and it makes us so excited. Even the most annoying chores are softened by jokes and a recognition that everything is alright. We have nothing to worry about because we have each other. It's wonderful all the time. Problem-solving becomes a game. Every day is a new adventure and a new story.

We do look at each other every now and again and say "Hey, we're married!?!" Christian seems to take particular delight in saying things like "It's my beautiful wife" or "have you seen my wife?" We both catch each other fiddling or just staring at our rings. It's hard not to be transfixed.

At a friend's recent wedding someone said something like "May this day be the day you love your spouse the least" in other words, that you continue to love your spouse more and more over time. Many people told us that marriage does in fact get better and better over time. My guess is, in cases where the partnership is formed for the right reasons, growing and changing together increases and strengthens your closeness. It's a beautiful and wonderful thing. That's not to say that there won't be times of difficulty, stress, anger, sadness, or other tensions. Those things are certainly part of life. But when you wake up every day knowing there is at least one person who has chosen to bind themselves together with you until you die, you feel a bit more secure about everything.

We've gotten into the excitment of looking ahead at moving, getting jobs, having him graduate from MMI, and starting a family. I went to the DMV today to begin the process for my motorcycle license so I can have it before we move. It makes me feel like things are really happening. Changes are occuring and they're all good because whatever happens Christian is with me and our lives are totally blessed. We have wonderful family and friends. We are full of potential, gifts and talents. The world is our oyster. It's great to be alive.

A New List of Sins for Today

2008-08-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

At the risk of sounding profoundly simplistic and overly black and white in my faith I have decided to post a little list of sins, and if there is a hell, people who commit these without repentance, apology, or reconciliation get a special place in it.

This is prompted by the fact that a jury just found the woman who drunk drove and killed our friend Justin Sharp "not guilty of all charges." She made an illegal U turn on a highway and Justin was simply unable to avoid colliding with her car. Because if justice cannot be found in this world, it must be found in the next.

This list is in no particular order.

1) Inconsideration of other people. So that means people who talk during movies - yes, because you talk without thinking about the people around you. It also includes people who don't use their turn signal, talk on cell-phones while driving, text while driving, don't clean up their messes.

2) Disregarding the feelings of others. This is a corollary to the above.

3) Hate - of homosexuals, of fat people, of people who are different because it makes you uncomfortable, of anyone at all

4) Greed - for candy, for money

5) Lust - because a thousand nights with a thousand different women in a thousand different positions will never make you happy

6) Irresponsibility - that is, being reckless, doing things without using common sense, being flippant, or neglecting your obligations and your commitments (that includes divorce because you married for the wrong reasons or just don't want to work at your relationship)

7) Being a defense attorney - they're actually evil.

8) Being a part of an insurance company that swindles people - because pretty much, they all do.

9) Being a loan officer. Sorry guys, but basically you're swindling people too if you're collecting interest. This is an old stand-by sin too.

10) Killing someone.

11) Killing someone without apologizing.

12) Being a part of a jury who denies justice from being done.

13) Male chauvinists - this goes along with the hate thing.

14) Sexual Assault and/or Rape - beyond a doubt one of the most terrible (and common) things a person can do to another person where the victim remains alive.

15) Abuse - it doesn't matter what kind.

16) Lying to the detriment of others. Because really, honesty is the best policy for the community, and for your relationships. If you can't tell the truth, don't say anything at all.

17) Telling hurtful jokes - it's only funny if everyone is laughing.

18) Making assumptions. JUST ASK a person what's going on before acting on it. By robbing a person of choice you can cause suffering - and it's intentional while done without thought or care.

19) Being excessively rich when there are people dying from preventable diseases, war, hunger, and thirst.

20) Purposefully hurting someone, and/or delighting in it.

21) Watching someone be hurt and not doing anything about it.

22) Being violent - it's not okay. It's a vehicle for hurt.

23) Defiling your body. What does that mean? Your body really is a temple. Why would you alter your brain to something unrecognizable by ingesting chemicals? Why would you try to escape yourself so much? How could you hate yourself so much to destroy one of God's beautiful creations?

24) Polluting the environment - that includes but is not limited to using disposable paper products when it is avoidable, eating food that was mass produced and shipped to you from a far off place, littering, participating in a process that puts smog in the air, not making use of green technology as it is available and accessible to you, using excessive amounts of energy.

25) Refusing to help people when they need it and you are able to give it.

That's the end of my little list. I can't think of anything else at the moment. I think it covers the major sins and the ones that are so prevalent in our society today. May God forgive those who recognize and feel the depth of the wrongs they commit. Those who do not truly understand, well... may the powers deal with you justly.

Amen.

Drawer dividers and other suggestions

2008-07-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

With the upcoming wedding, my and my parents' respective moves, the house is in a state of semi-frenzied activity. Stuff is everywhere (well, as much as it can be in my mother's house). Old items are being reconfigured. Useless items (both in good condition and in bad) are triaged: donated, sold, or thrown-out. In preparation for my parents' new house, they've also gotten a couple books at bargain discounts (of course) on organization and patios. I won't bother talking about patios because that only interests those of us who own homes and want to pave half their backyard (or are required to by whatever circumstances present).

So after an evening of running around doing wedding stuff I came back and sat down on the overstuffed leather chair with a glass of Velvet Moon (or some such thing) with Jon Stewart in the background and perused the Home Depot organizing book.

The next morning I decided to do what I had let undone for sometime - to finish updating my goal board. I put up two of the mostly completed portions onto the cork board. For some reason this started off a train of frenzied work that lasted the whole day. Needless to say there's still a great deal of work to be done, because uncluttered surfaces do not necessarily mean uncluttered drawers.

The realization was multi-layered. I figured out why my mother and father have conflicting organizational styles. My mother can do "closed storage" - my dad can't. I can do closed depending on the room/items. For example, my clothing in my dresser - not a problem. The items in my desk...well I'm not sure if that's because I have a barrier of stuff between me and the desk, or if it's actually just the stuff in there. Papers are definitely invisible when in a folder hidden in a drawer. This of course is a problem for the simple reason that important documentation is frequently in a paper form. Let's not even get into the problem of electronic filing systems which really are invisible, and frequently inaccessible due to my primordial lap-top.

So I decided that I should invest in some drawer dividers. I started doing it with my socks and hair ties so why shouldn't I do it with pens and staplers? Seems logical. Now the only question is, do we make it into a fun little project where Christian (my future husband) gets to make little wooden boxes or do we just pay whatever it costs to get some modular drawer boxes/drawer organizing trays? And then, should I extend the dividers to include not only my socks and hair ties but also my shirts and lounge wear for example?

Can you tell this is how I'm exerting control over my tousled life?

My everyday lounge: The Sarong

2008-07-24T11:21:00.000-07:00

So I've been stressing out quite a bit, seeing as I'm getting married, moving, and just graduated. However I will say that one of the keys to NOT stressing out too much is environment. That includes music, organization, people, food, exercise, lighting, and even your clothing. I'm going to take this moment to advertise for one of the most versatile pieces of clothing ever, the sarong.

It's just a glorified scarf, but oh the wonders of such a wardrobe piece! And those of you who are feeling a little elitist, and think, "Oh, why wear a piece of cloth worth 5$ around that was styled in South Asia?!" You all have a LOT of learning to do...

This neck knot style using a full sarong is my fave for lounging around the house or covering up at the beach...

For some alternative configurations, I suggest trying the short skirt option. This basically consists of folding the full sarong and then tying.

Or the more traditional full skirt is probably slightly less "risque" and therefore may be more comfortable for the newly inducted sarong wearer.

However the wearing fun has just begun. Because a sarong can also be worn or used as a turban, a scarf, a headband, used as a towel, a light blanket, a baby sling (though perhaps that should only be used in a real pinch) a bag (if you're feeling creative), or even a curtain.

This last style is one that I haven't really tried to pull off, but now that I've seen these handy-dandy pics I think I might give it a go.
This is "toga" style, which involves wrapping underneath and over in a way that I will have to spend some time figuring out... as of now however, it eludes me. But, that shouldn't stop you from trying the same thing. Here is a shot of the front and the back...

Good luck and enjoy the relaxing and versatile wonderful world of sarongs. I'll be quietly freaking out as I try to make playlists for the reception dinner hour.

Grouchy Grudges, and the Grudging Grouches that Hold them

2008-07-11T17:39:00.000-07:00

This includes myself. I hold grudges. For whatever reason, I can't seem to get over the stupid things. I hold them, and hold them, analyze and re-evaluate. But for whatever reason, once it's formed, or once there has been significant tension, it stays. That's right - the folder has been made, flagged, and filed. Permanently.

Think about it like this: compare relationships to driving. Unless the person involved changes drastically, through some large action is able to erase their previous record, like the DMV points system, their record is marked. Insurance costs rise - it takes more effort to maintain the relationship. That's when people try to bend the rules by putting cars in someone else's name to avoid the high costs, or buy a smaller vehicle, or forget insurance altogether. After all, the other person is responsible, right? They burned THEIR bridges. It's not ME. I'm NOT the one at fault. HA! But have you seen the way people have been driving their relationships? "Let me get into my giant gas-guzzling monstrosity and NOT use my blinker, NOT look either direction, CUT you off, SPEED, RUN lights, AND apply make-up all while talking on my cell phone." Yeah, we're maintaining our relationships well. Stupid grudges.

Why do I mention this? For a few reasons. One is that the popular site Facebook has gotten me to review these grudges in a more upsetting way than ever before. That is, you can reinvigorate your grudges by creating a profile and becoming friends with the people you liked from elementary school, your work, college, or geography, and exclude the nasties (from similar spheres and times). So, old wounds are revitalized. I get this gnawing feeling in my gut when I look at some people's pages, because, even though the event is years past, it's still incredibly real and present to me (maybe even worse) for the simple fact that closure never occurred. There was no recognition of the feelings involved. There was no end, no completion, no finish. And so any time I hear about these people, their lives, etc., I carry it around with me.

Now, there's no question this is by far the STUPIDEST thing a person can do. Why wallow in events that occurred years and years ago? Why does it matter who got married to whom, where they moved to, who broke up with whom, who has kids, how many pirates are under their control etc? It doesn't. Practically, these people are figments of my electronic imagination. Their worlds are only as real as the images created and shown on this silly machine.

The thing is, I hate conflict. I talk big. People who know me know I like to say inflammatory things and push the envelop when it comes to other people's lives. The reality is I hate fights. I hate bringing up things that cause tension unless I know I can weather through the argument without any wounds on either side. I've made situations worse because I could not bring myself to address issues and so I avoided people and situations that would give rise to those issues.

Now I wonder if people would really cause the problems I think they would cause. Am I right to exclude people from my life completely because they make me a little uncomfortable? Should I break down a grudge (if it's reciprocal or onesided, mine or the other person's) because it heals 2 or 3 people, even if it causes discomfort for a large group?

It came to my attention this past weekend that sometimes it doesn't matter what we do, what we say, or how we approach a situation. I don't like that idea. I've fought against that idea, like so many young people, for as long as I knew the idea was there. Problems are there to be fixed, and there has to be something in my control that I can change to rectify the situation. Unfortunately, most of the time we just have to give in to God and let fate, the Universe, and the Powers take the courses meant to be taken. *Resignation.* Sort of.

We do what we can. So I wrote letters. I message walls. I give gifts. I smile encouragingly. I try to get past the awkward situations I and others created and heal what is left. That's all I can do. And I hope that others are willing to do the same.

love, blessings, and peace.

A

Fifteenth Chances and The Final Head Slap

2008-04-24T15:58:00.000-07:00

It's been some time since I last wrote. No doubt some might wonder if I'm even still alive. I assure you (if this entry isn't enough confirmation) I am alive and kicking. There have been many things occupying my time and so I have had little time to share my thoughts with the world (and many of my thoughts were so mundanely practical, they seemed unworthy of world-wide sharing).

I know that many people think of God and religion as a waste of time. Perhaps academics have spent too little time on God, as the Enlightenment has prevented them from delving into the sacred. Indeed, humanity's interpretation of God's plan has led to many terrible things. This is undoubtedly true. And many people see only this, and are unable to see any other possibilities (things in the past that have proved there are other paths, as well as possible future directions).

That said, like many people who have understood the law of attraction (grin) what you see is what you get. We create our reality. Quantum physics has proved this on the subatomic level. And guess what? This rule has brought me back around to the things I strove against. The thing you push against is the thing you get. And here I am, contemplating seminary. *Sigh*

Let us hope that my vision is the right one...and I don't mean forever, or even today, but rather when it is supposed to be, the moment of exact influence. Even if it's not, let God use it to create beauty, wonder, and inertia in things to come. I am imperfect. But in the hands of God I am the perfect tool. Something to make the amazing happen, to inspire and encourage. Perhaps to shape the direction of many lives, of many institutions to come.

When we dedicate these decisions, submit our paths to the supreme compass, it is clear that one direction dominates. One way. That way of joy and love and growth shows itself in the first step. Only the first step is illumined. That's all I need. And when 10 different people tell you where to go and what to do, it seems pretty clear which step to take.

Apparently I needed to have a piano dropped on my head. We all have our failings.

Thank God for second and fifteenth chances....

New Bugs - Back Stateside

2007-12-20T16:16:00.000-07:00

HEY ALL!!! I'm back in the states and thought I had better check in! I've been hiding in a hole this last week and a half. I'm still recovering from jet-lag and digestive re-adjustment. Eating a lot of beef despite system rejection has helped out alot. And plain yogurt. I highly recommend it.

People have been asking me, "what are the things you've taken from your experience in India?" and "what were your first reactions coming back to the states?" Well, I think I've answered the first question rather effectively in this blog (see earlier entries). I have not yet written about my experiences since coming back to California.

The short answer to this second question is, "Rough."

The long answer is related to some changes I've noticed in myself (which are unrelated to my strange sleep cycle and digestive readjustment, or even the few pounds I lost).

The first change/noticeable difference has something to do with boundaries. As I think I've stated before in earlier blog entries, India is a land with few rules. And the rules that do apply, tend to be ambiguous and change depending on context. An example is that a red light is not always applicable. If there are no cars coming, you go through it. That's the deal. And likewise lanes are suggestions, but not necessary depending on the situation. Needless to say, I am having a hard time getting used to the fact that no, I cannot squeeze my Volvo 850 into the bike lane (which is about 2/3 the size of an average Indian lane) to make a right on red, in order to move past these slowpokes who are ALSO planning on turning. That would be wrong here. But they've stopped. I should be able to go. There are NO CARS COMING!!! In a related car note, I love the mobility of having my own vehicle (despite any costs to myself) and have the incredible urge to beep my horn at everyone who is in my way who I think could easily move OUT of my way. When riding in my car, I think my frustration would be entertaining to my passengers. Ask Christian about it to find out more.

I've also noticed that I have a general enjoyment of dressing well. While this was a trend begun (primarily) in Hungary, it has only been further highlighted. This is to the point where I look for new and different ways that I can put different pieces of clothing together in a sort of playful/funky manner. This also involves the massive amounts of strange shoes in my closet and various pieces of jewelry.

This desire to dress well is separate from my new love of all that glitters. While in the US I have not really been a sparkly sort of person, since being in India, I have at least partially converted. I have sequined shirts which I plan to wear here. When and where I am unclear about. However I think I can get away with wearing them out to clubs and still being warm (unlike the many women who look like whores and end up freezing off any exposed parts). This doesn't just include sparkly shirts, but also jewelry (which I find I feel exposed without donning some combination of rings, bracelets, earrings, and necklaces) as well as makeup (which includes not only a little bit of kajal [eyeliner] or mascara, but also well done lips, foundation, and hair). Basically, I just need to be, as my college friend says 'on duty' all the time. This extended to having well manicured hands and pedicured feet. Eastern influence weighs heavily. I look for excuses to wear heels. Now THAT is really strange....

Politeness is something I miss and something that I have grown into even more. I don't mean to say that Americans are rude, but compared to Indian sensibilities, they are. I like people to call me "ma'am" when addressing me if they don't know me. I also like men to open doors for me. I like it if the person who obviously has more money at the table pays for the poorer people who are present. I like it that when I go somewhere the people serving me really serve me. I mean that they offer me chai (tea... not that wretched boxed stuff...or even the attempts that come in bags), biscuits (I mean cookies), and possibly even an entire meal, whether I will accept it or not. I like it when people are willing to humor me if I am making an effort to meet them where they are, even if I do a terrible job at it (attempting to observe customs etc). I like that people who are close (particularly female family, or close female friends) will kiss each other on the cheek accompanied by a hug.

Strangely enough, I like visible signs of religious affiliation. I mean, WHY really, WHY would you EVER hide it??? If you believe in God, talk about it. Wear a symbol of your belief. Embrace it completely. I'm trying to figure out what kind of symbol I'd like to wear... for now I still have pooja thread on my wrists, but who knows how long that will last. When I figure it out, I'll tell you.

I'm sure there are more things... but I can't think of them right now. When I figure them out, I'll add them to the list here. For the moment though, go easy on me. I'm still trying to figure myself out after my ordeal. Sometimes we go into the desert for 40 days, and sometimes we go to India for 6 months. Sometimes we disappear for years while still living in the same house we've always lived in. It takes a while to break back into ourselves - this transformed beast which has different limbs to used in different fashions. Breaking out of the cocoon is difficult. And sitting on the branch drying your wings is not easy. The urge to fly is great. Give me a month or so. Once I'm settled, I'm sure everyone will appreciate the way the sun shines through my translucent wings.

The "R" Word: Reflections on the Spiritual Trouble of Academics

2007-12-07T23:14:00.000-07:00

I thought that perhaps my previous post would be the last post I made from India, however this past weekend I was in Bhopal, MP attending a conference called "Religion and Communalism." It was sponsored by "Peace and Justice" Bhopal, and People's Research Society (PRS). Like all academic conferences, it was a lot of talking (necessarily so) and most of the content was bashing religion. Papers had titles like "Religion as Wellspring of Communalism" or "Bad Hindutva, Good Hinduism?", and covered topics from secularism and science to terrorism and riots. My own paper was entitled "Beyong Mandirs and Masjids: Communitarianism Through Civil Society" and focused on social solutions to communalism (although the problem of communalism is by no means only social).

There were a few problems I had at the conference. The most predominant one was that everyone presented in Hindi while I presented in English. Discussions sessions were also conducted in Hindi...

So while I was greatful for finding out that I could understand much more than I expected, I realized just how little I understood and needed to be able to understand. Many of the papers were in English so I was able to give intelligent comments in response to what I read and this seemed to be appreciated despite the fact that I couldn't give my comments in Hindi. Sigh.

The other problem I had was content based. This is a problem that would have been in many places had the same topic been discussed. And actually, the fact this problem presented itself was far from surprising. That is religion bashing. Most of the people there, from what I could gather, were not religious. In fact, if they had been in the least, they probably would have admitted this only grudgingly. Poor bastards (Totally Unrelated Note: Did you ever wonder why there's a word in English for "fatherless child" but there's no word, at least not in popular usage, for "motherless child." Shows you who is more important.).

Now why is it that 'religious' has acquired a similar kind of nasty connotation that 'feminist' acquired? Well, that's a fairly straight forward one. 'Religious' for one, at least in academic circles, equals ' lemming.' And lemmings, for those who don't spend time with academics, are despised. Blind following of is not something that academics do. There needs to be questioning. There needs to be some sort of challenge to the thing. Apparently religion doesn't do this for many people, even though it's been my experience that the most spiritually mature individuals are those who have questioned and struggled. Struggle makes us grow. That's a good thing. Not too much, or that would break a person, but a little struggle is a good thing.

'Religious' also brings to mind a lack of logic or rationality. There's no reason or logic behind behavior that is motivated by belief, and therefore it is dangerous, and frankly should be stopped. This is how the argument goes. I would say they're missing it.

Religion is about the heart. It is not meant to be an awful thing. It is meant to explain the unexplainable, to articulate a code of ethics/provide a guide to living in society, and finally it is meant to nurture the heart. It is true that any set of scriptures can be interpretted a thousand ways, and even the most liberal thinking person's words and ideas can be used to create a lock-step regime. However, this is not only a religious phenomenon. It happens with every ideology. It happens with every philosophy which becomes manipulated by those in power to control and oppress those without.

Now, my guess is that something happened to these people to turn them off to religion. Maybe they are emotionally and intuitively dense and so they haven't experienced some of the magic that comes through religious experience. There is a reason we use this phrase 'religious experience' to explain something unusual and powerful. People often convert or come back to faith because of a strong experience. Quite a few people in the Bible had the same kind of thing happen to them - they had a moment of doubt or were embittered and suddenly God comes down and shows them something they could never have imagined.

I am not claiming that religion is perfect, or that religion has all the answers, but I will assert that like feminism, it's not necessarily a bad thing. It has it's place and it's worth, and prejudice, irrationality, faith, and belief affect all groups of people - even atheist social scientists.

100 Things I Learned in India

2007-11-28T03:08:00.000-07:00

Thanks for following along my time in India, for the few posts it was worth. If you're interested in hearing specific stories about my time abroad or about my conclusions relating to religion, politics, and culture, I am more than happy to speak for your group or organization. Please drop a line or comment on this or another post.

This is just a laundry list of lessons, trivia, and observations from my time in India. It's in no particular order. Enjoy.

1. Everything exists in India. It is the land of extremes. Thus many Guiness World Records have been set, understandably, in India (like the longest beard or the longest fingernails).

2. Currently there are 4 Miss Worlds who have been Indian. Ms. Rai is my personal favorite (and probably the most popular).

3. Though the law states all people are equal, society has it's own rules and those include caste and class.

4. Servants are a regular thing here. Sometimes even the servants have servants.

5. People talk around things that are important (like feelings or about business situations or major life decisions) while telling you quite bluntly that you need to lose weight or you have zits all over your face.

6. Life is much more about feeling than thinking. So people become attached to others (even if they talk about you all the time behind your back) and so much so that if they feel someone has hurt you (whether you are hurt or not) they will find that person and maim them. Riots have started over things like this. Also many a murder case...

7. People can love (romantically) many people. But loving does not mean life partner. And it doesn't mean you do anything about it. Duty and commitment are important parts of life. Get over yourself.

8. Family is central. Family comes before self, before friends, before others. Though sometimes this might be expressed in strange ways in India, I think there is something Americans could learn from this.

9. Colors are a good idea and can be brought about naturally. It's called 'vegetable dye.'

10. Manicures do not necessarily mean scary looking fake nails. It can mean an exfoliation treatment, an arm oil massage and a natural nail polish (which is possible...I've SEEN them!).

11. The same goes for pedicures...

12. Staring doesn't necessarily mean that you are attractive. It could just be that you're weird looking (Weird here means not only strange in a cooky sort of way, but also unusual as in rare or extraordinary - i.e. wealthy looking.).

13. History is important. Learn it so you don't repeat it.

14. It's good to sing and dance in public, even if you're an adult, even if no one else around you is. Do it.

15. Men can wear shawls. And it looks HOT.

16. Here men can be publically affectionate with other men, and women with other women, but not to each other. And funnily enough, it's illegal to be gay. HA!

17. Bombs are part of many people's everyday lives. We should remember that we're blessed with an incredibly stable and civil society. 9/11 was bad, but there's been a lot worse events in many other places that happen much more frequently.

18. God is too big for one religion and historical context. Geography, culture, and history influence how people experience God. Some of those things might be problematic. Some of those things might be a little uncomfortable. But, if this different way brings a person closer to God, who am I to stop them?

19. Some things are universal. Some dance moves, and decoration I've seen everywhere, done by different groups of people at different times. Sooo we're all different, but we're all human. There's more similarity here than most people will admit.

20. My mom cooks food which is just as spicy if not spicier than a lot of Indian food. Different regions have different flavors, but still, thank God my mother exposed me to spicy food. Otherwise...

21. It's a lie that people lose weight here. I've been pretty much the same the whole time I've been here. You only lose weight if you get sick. If you're smart, you won't get sick. I've gotten some colds and the flu, but I've not gotten any serious illness or anything remotely strange here.

22. Mosquitos are a type of bird. They are all pervasive during the autumn months. Bug repellant is essential to life.

23. Pollution is a problem of development. It is noxious, it is awful, and it makes a person feel like they are smoking over a pack a day. How can we solve the issue of pollution while providing India and other countries an avenue to wealth formation? That I have not figured out.

24. Hair is an asset. Mustard oil is supposed to be the best type of oil, even if it smells like, well, mustard. Heat it up and massage it into your scalp and hair. Leave it on for at the very least 30 minutes. After, shampoo (sometimes two or three times depending on your hair and how much oil you used), condition, rinse. If you blow dry, use an ionizing dryer. Otherwise your oil treatment is pretty much neutralized.

25. Kajal, or black eyeliner, is a fundamental tool of the Indian woman's make-up arsenal. It is also used by the poor (especially, all though not exclusively) in dusty regions to protect the eyes from dust - so children and men may also wear it.

26. Camels are in India. I didn't realize they were here until I went to Jaipur. On the road they are used like horses - transportation and they pull carts as well. My Indian shoes are also made of camel leather (sorry animal activists, but they haven't made a synthetic fiber that can compare to leather...it's still the best.).

27. Elephants are really tall. This might seem intuitive, but when you're riding one it really hits home.

28. Tigers and leopards hang out in the forests all over the place. Sometimes, if you're staying near a jungle area, they even scratch at your door at night. How crazy is that?

29. Christians are second class citizens, even though they do incredible service work here in India. There is a strong fear of conversion among the dominant religious group, Hindus, and so Christian organizations are monitored very closely.

30. Hound dogs really smell. I'm never getting one. There's a great dane in the house where I stay and his breath alone (added with the smell of his body generally) is like a weapon of mass destruction. Seriously, they might be able to market that...

31. Chows are evil. They are moody and they get offended easily. But they are really adorable to look at. I suggest admiring from afar.

32. We get ripped off for jewelry in the US, as well as health care. So make a trip to India, get your surgery done, AND buy some really nice gems. Two for the price of traveling to a foreign country! Nice!

33. The Taj is not as spectacular as people lead you to believe. It is nicer because of the stories surrounding it's creation. That said, you should see it for that very reason. And if you can, propose to your significant other there, or (i don't know if this is possible) get married there!

34. If you've seen one piece of Mughal architecture you've seen them all. Really. They were all built around the same time by basically the same three people. Spend your time looking at some temples and some other palaces instead.

35. Hippies are alive and well... in India. They've kind of taken over the hill stations. It's rather disturbing.

36. Tourists can be identified using these three factors: their skin, their large waistline, and the sporting of goofy looking broad brimmed hats.

37. Summer is used to melt things...like white people. Don't come here during summer. Come early fall or late spring. Otherwise you have to bring warm clothes and lots of bug repellant.

38. India is the land of almost. Don't buy pizza here (especially if you're from the East Coast...you'll be really disappointed). Although they do make decent crusty bread (surprisingly).

39. Chai is amazing. Once you've had it, you'll never patronize Starbucks again (for their boxed chai and maybe even their coffee). It also has different flavors depending on the chaiwala...so patronize a bunch and enjoy!

40. Every temple has holy food or prashad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bland, sometimes it's just scary. So, give offerings at your own risk.

41. The Himalayas are amazing, both the lesser and the greater. Visit them if you can.

42. Delhi is gross. It is loud, busy, and grimy. If you like LA you'll like Delhi. Otherwise... forget it.

43. Small villages are quaint. Go to one with a person who is well connected to the place. You'll be treated like royalty.

44. People are incredibly hospitable. Accept their hospitality carefully - sometimes it can be overwhelming. Other times it's not right for you (for whatever reason). Say no in such a way that you won't hurt the person's feelings.

45. Depending on who you talk to, you'll find that Hindi and Urdu are Siamese twins. But good luck finding any similarity between scripts!

46. Coffee here is usually instant unless you ask specifically for french press style coffee. Drink at your own risk.

47. Indian sweets are REALLY sweet. Diabetics should stick to savory foods. Those in fear of diabetes, stick to savory foods. That said, kheer is lovely and so is this Indian fudge called barfi (made with either almond paste or pistachio paste).

48. Nuts are also known as 'dried fruit.'

49. Actions aren't completed, they're on-going. For example, "You are looking lovely in all these pictures I'm seeing."

50. Get used to terms of endearment, primarily 'darling,' 'sweetie,' 'honey,' and 'baby.'

51. Western wear is popular in cities. So bring a pair of jeans.

52. If you do wear Indian dress, consult an Indian on some of these things. And don't wear them if you look stiff and awkward in it. Only wear it if you really feel comfortable in it. Sometimes it's just weird to watch Westerners wearing this clothing....it looks contrived.

53. Watch some Bollywood movies. Do it in the comfort of your own home with subtitles. Indian movie theaters are an experience in themselves... best saved for a group of people and a movie in English (unless you're fluent in Hindi).

54. There are an enormous number of French in Delhi. I think they have plans of over-running the city.

55. It's a new trend for Westerners to live in India because the cost of living is so cheap and you can have a life of luxury on the same amount of income that was bringing you a middleclass life in your home country.

56. India is not for everyone. You pretty much either love it or hate it. And even if you hate, sometimes you still have to come back. It's kind of like a Greek or Italian mother giving you a guilt trip. You're required to return.

57. There are awful/selfish rich people everywhere.

58. There are good people everywhere - and some of them even have money!

59. Addiction is everywhere, and always for the same reasons.

60. If you are looking at adoption, I suggest you consider adopting a child from India. Particularly girl babies from the north as alot of those are abandoned in favor of male children who are perceived to be a lesser burden.

61. Some Indians look Mexican. Others look French or Italian. Others look Chinese. In another part of the world... they'd blend right in. It's kind of similar to Brazil in that way... :-D

62. Indian roads are like obstacle courses. You have autorickshaws, bicycle rickshaws, cows, horse carts, scooters, motorcycles, buses, cars, and trucks all sharing the road. All of that, and traffic rules are pretty much considered optional.

63. In fact, rules are optional. You only obey them when there might be a penalty for getting caught breaking them.

64. There is a worse danger of spoiled rich child here because children, particularly sons, are pampered until they get married. Be advised.

65. Politics is about money (surprise) and popularity.

66. Religion is a tool used by political parties (another surprise).

67. Beggars are everywhere...and there are all kinds of issues surrounding giving them money.

68. Motorcycles aren't so scary at low speeds.

69. Monkeys are aggressive and the brown ones are down right evil. Blackfaced white ones are good luck

70. Elephants are good luck.

71. Every action boils down to whether it is a good idea considering your sign, number, and whether it is an auspicious time to complete such an action.

72. The first invitation to a major event always goes to the gods.

73. Ganesh is usually portrayed with a rat because he is the god of hospitality and the remover of obstacles, and if you're doing well, you'll always have a rat suckling up to you.

74. Business in India corrupts the soul when it involves working with politicians. Fair is a bad word in that arena.

75. Every person is on their own path. Thus, it doesn't matter what you do, and often doesn't matter how your actions affect other people. You only act in consideration of others if it feels good to you. There is no incentive to do so.

76. Skin conditions are 'allergies.' If you have something that is a hereditary or even a non-contractable disease, don't tell people. You'll be stigmatized something close to 'leper.'

77. Kerala is a charmed state. Visit it if you can.

78. Goa is the only place in India where it is safe for a woman to be on her own. Otherwise you are dependent on male protectors.

79. Public space is male dominated. Night is not safe for women in most areas.

80. Violence is a part of everyday life. After all, there's so many people, with so many differences, it's bound to happen sometime. It's a miracle it doesn't happen more than it does.

81. Most people have something they want from you. Be explicit in what you are able or not able to give them.

82. Most vendors will try to rip you off if you are white. Take an Indian to bargain with them, or just ask for a significantly lower rate. Or speak to them in Hindi. You'll come out alright.

83. Discuss religion and/or politics with care.

84. Discuss anything with high status men with care. They will likely not listen to/dismiss you, say something that is untrue or infuriating, as well as not let you even speak.

85. If you're nice and genuine you can make anything happen here.

86. Organizations run differently - be advised that it will take several meetings before anything substantial happens.

87. Mornings are slow. Everything happens in the afternoon or evening.

88.Your actions are your business, so as long as they don't affect others close to you in an adverse way, you can pretty much get away with anything.

89. Money and connections are the inroads here. Without them, you're SOL.

90. Trash is everywhere. Garbage cans are optional.

91. Grime is everywhere. Cleaning is optional.

92. Sikh temples are clean and they give you a free and tasty lunch. What a lovely religion!

93. You can get every clothing item custom made. Think merino wool suit custom tailored, for $50.

94. Forget about good cheap sunglasses. Fashion imports are ridiculously expensive.

95. Every space is a potential place for expression. Why shouldn't things be decorated?

96. Infrastructure may not work properly, but at least we have the internet and cell phones!

97. Arranged marriage happens primarily in provencial areas. Now most marriages are assisted (so you meet and date a couple times and then get married).

98. There are so many butterflies here. In colors and combinations I had never seen.

99. Beauty can be found in unexpected times and places. You just need to be open to it.

100. Life is full of surprises. Don't be afraid to invite them and accept them. It could be that someone has gifts, blessings, and opportunities lined up for you, if only you're ready for them.

Namaste!

From a Spartan Woman, on the Persian Army

2007-11-15T01:26:00.000-07:00

It's been some time since I've written. There are a number of reasons for that. Mainly it just has to do with the fact that India is a challenging place, I've been here all this time, and I've been bombarded by many nasty situations. I've also come across some good ones... but at this moment, they seem few and far between (or strained and stretched).

I have the unfortunate habit of attracting all kinds of people. Even beyond that I have the problem of being nice to people with major issues. I'm not good at seeking people out, they either come to me or they don't, and so I have a limited pool of people who end up becoming friends, associates, and acquaintances.

I want to think the best of people. Again, another unfortunate habit of mine is to give people the benefit of the doubt, even if they don't deserve it. That is, until they cross the line. Once they've reached that point, they've pretty much burned all bridges and it is nearly impossible for them to redeem themselves (Although I do often have fantasies of them trying to do so, usually what happens is the person continues to act in a problematic way... thereby killing all delusions of reconciliation).

I am writing this because I have found it incredibly difficult to have very many meaningful relationships here in India (with the exception of my limited friends from academia). This may be due to the fact that I am a funny foreigner (case in point) or because I still haven't learned the cultural rules (related to the former). Those relationships which I have attracted to myself tend to involve a great deal more drama and pain than I am accustomed to experiencing. Part of this may be, as I said before, cultural issues. These could be class and caste (I am living with some jetsetters...so they bring more jetsetters into my acquaintance...while I am from a middleclass family of at least partially working class background). Also it is probably India (ways of interacting with people are generally different... the truth is more than relative). Finally, it is in part dysfunction.

My interactions with people here have done one thing which I had not expected. I knew that time abroad (as it always does) makes one reconsider one's own country. I just didn't expect it to be the way it has been for me in India. I feel a bit like one of 300 Spartans facing the Persian imperial army. Of course, Spartan women are given such status because they give birth to Spartan men. I'm not saying that America is perfect, far from it. I do think there are some cultural values which are unique to America and frankly, I think they're the best. Not American Corporate culture, but I'm talking here about the down home American roots that my extended family comes from. I'm talking about Staten Island. I'm talking about the way that people are valued because they accomplish something (much more so than in other places), not because of their parents or their social capital (let's be realistic, who really values Paris' for her upstanding Americanness? Whereas Bill Gates is someone who is upheld as the quintessential pull yourself up by your bootstraps guy - an American.). This may seem like a bid for nationalism. Perhaps it is a bit of that national pride. However, I think often times people are found to be toting national pride randomly, without experience to lead them to their fervor. And as an American, I'm not toting the government's actions. I generally distrust the government, it's the true American way. I trust the people. Whether or not this trust is founded is another issue. But in the end, I feel at home in New York, Chicago, the Appalachians, Seattle, Bloomington and Elk's City because those are my people. It doesn't matter if they're dark chocolate, carmel, or white as a sheet. Doesn't matter to me if English isn't their first language. My ancestors came to the New World for a different life in 1643. It's the same reason someone gets off the plane today.

Americans want to work together - it's why we try so hard to be liked by everyone, even if we have misgivings about a particular group. This is a natural outgrowth of the immigrant culture. On any day of the week I could be eating Italian, Chinese, Mexican, French, or any other ethnic food. And then there is of course that distinct mixture which is American. I can go to any house of worship in most big cities. I can join clubs and activist groups and protest on a regular basis. Sure, it's not perfect. It needs improving. That's why everyone who lives there needs to work some to make it better than it is. These are not finished projects. They're on-going. This is one of the reasons why even though I care about people around the world, and affirm their common humanity, I need to help get this house in order first. When there are as few problems as possible... (and granted these problems affect everywhere else in this era of globalization) then I'll move forward.

Here's to those American values which make this country great. Here's to making the country really great and getting our house in order for all Americans so then we can really address issues around the globe.

In love and peace,

A

Socialites UNITE!!

2007-09-09T00:42:00.000-07:00

So remember all those classes (okay, this is just for the social scientists out there who have spent any time studying globalization) about transnational elites. Yes. That's all I have to say about that... yes. It's all true. And socio-economic standing only matters as much as your connections. Really, social capital is 300x more important than any material wealth you may acquire. But perhaps you already knew that. The situation just became blindingly apparent to me last night at a party I attended in Defense Colony.

Extended post here You see, my family's income is down right rich if you compare it to the average Indian's. My parents, fortunately for me, valued education, and knew enough people and were able to support me well enough to ensure that I went to excellent schools and made good connections. Had my family been Indian, rather than American, I'm not sure how well that would have turned out. Being clergy isn't exactly a lucrative profession and in India, Christianity (as discussed in previous blog entries) is a fringe religion (and likewise Christians are treated as marginal elements of society). So the likelihood would have been that I would not have the social capital that I have being the daughter of two American clergy.

Now, that said, I do have quite a bit of social capital, which I continue to accrue. Example, all my friends from college from all over the world, my friends from Hungary, my American friends, and now my Indian friends (in addition of course to my professional contacts both in the academy and elsewhere). Saying all this, I realize, of course, that I am a member of the transnational elite. Maybe not the business elite, but an elite nonetheless which is intimately connected to other types of elites (government and business). So last night I went to a party which was in the Defense Colony for a friend of a friend's birthday. This meant cake and chips, among other things, turn tables (complete with I don't know how many Euro style DJs), and a whole chunk of French embassy workers. In fact, there were few Indians there (much fewer than I had expected).

But this is how we meet. Us elites. We go to parties in large cities, we dance, we indulge, and we talk (or if you're like me, you mostly just sit around watching people because parties where you know 4 people make you a little wary). Maybe we drink tea or coffee or go to some cultural show and then schmooze at the reception afterwards.

And at this level, culture and religion, understandings are so similar (or similar enough to have nearly the same political/economic agendas) that nationalities cease to matter. It's only an issue if you don't speak the lingua franca (which in elite and middle-class Indian circles is English). And of course, everyone at this level speaks the lingua franca. So there goes my goal of picking up much Hindi. In that quarter I fail.

My experience with elites across the world (the few places where I have been) leads me to believe even more in Isaiah Berlin's ideas about teaching sentimentality. That is to influence those with power and resources to use these to the benefit of all humankind because their hearts tell them to do so. Now I don't mean elites dressing up and going to things called 'Fur Balls.' Rather I mean elites to not only give enormous amounts of money but speak out for causes and meet with other elites to formulate plans of action to stimulate real change. And not just elites by themselves, but elites building cross-cutting relationships with other groups of people. The middle class would be a start and eventually lower class relationships.

Perhaps this is a bit strange sounding, or perhaps it sounds stuffy. I only speak from my limited experience and the observations I've made of various groups sticking to their own (which not only includes elites, but middle class and lower classes as well). Some of this may be due to comfort and some of this may be due to associational structures in place.

My conclusion: I'll continue hanging out with elites. I'll also hang out with any good person who comes my way. And hopefully my social capital can be spread around, and do some good for a wide variety of people.

blessings.

Alexis Goes to Delhi and other stories

2007-09-04T05:14:00.000-07:00

The short version is that life has been kind of crazy and doing things has been much more interesting to me than typing an account of those things.

Several points by way of overview (and then for more interesting thoughts):

1. Delhi, while being a big city, is a city of neighborhoods (or colonies... how weird is that?). Because of the way it is situated, it can be a bit of a hassle to get from one area to another without having a car or motorbike (read: Alexis).

2. I had been staying at a guesthouse at Jamia for the first 2 weeks where I met my first few friends in Delhi. After that I was able to get a room with a family that had never had a paying guest before. Needless to say, I've become somewhat of a daughter to them and this comes with quite a nice package (considering that I was all alone in this city).

3. The center where I am interning is nice if new and the year barely started (plus they, like another program I've involved myself in, have just begun their masters program - brand new this year).

Those are the key points of inquiry. The rest is just...well something. Delhi is hot. I am melting. However, the family with whom I live has a place in the lesser Himalayas and so I was able to go for a few days. Talk about a break from heat - I didn't have warm enough clothes! They gave me a knit scarf and I borrowed an assortment of jackets and shawls, while enjoying the heat of a fire, monkeys stealing bags of apples and papayas, star-gazing, walks through the forest, leeches, and excellent company.

I should also say, I am more than fortunate to be with the family I am. They have so many connections to NGOs and other things that it has given me a place in Delhi which I could not have hoped for in my wildest dreams. You don't land in that. You're given it. I do have to give props to God for making it the only possibility for me (literally, it was the only room I saw which would be vacant in time of me leaving the guesthouse).

Personally in the time I've spent NOT blogging, I've come to encounter new understandings of religion (which I may reserve the right NOT to discuss until they are fully formed and coherent), greater understandings of Indian society, and a strong yearning for a Beckman Grenache as well as a thick bloody steak.

Despite my small discomforts (like heat and a yearning for red meat) I have come to enjoy this place called India, and Delhi more specifically. I know now that I can't begin to grasp the things I need to know in my limited time here. I will have to return, which frankly, is more than fine with me.

You may wonder why I would brave 40C and autorickshaw driver rip-offs. But beyond Delhi, and even I may dare say Punjab (which I have discovered I adore because everytime I see anything Punjabi I get really excited) I felt more akin to a place than I have ever in my life.

I actually fell in love with Pangot, where I stayed in the mountains. This is the first time I have fallen in love with a place, the first time I've felt rooted after a few days. This is my kind of paradise. It's not the seductive beauty of Santa Barbara which I will represent through the classic aspertane blonde blue-eyed shell valley girl. No. This is like an archetypal Victorian beauty with elegant dresses, grace, poise, and presence. There is no comparison. Don't get me wrong, I love the beauty of Santa Barbara. But this place is like a 5 course meal to me. It's the kind of place where Kipling and Elliot would have written their works.

Delhi has blessed me more than I could have imagined. The Malhotras have blessed me more than I could have dreamed. As my dad says, "God is good" and we say, "ALL THE TIME." Amen.

A Little Crazy - The Ovary Trap

2007-07-24T06:02:00.000-07:00

When my mother was pregnant with me she often felt 'a little yucky' which became an epithet for the thing that was on its way to becoming me. India however requires not 'a little yucky,' but 'a little crazy.' There's a certain degree of flexibility which is required in this level of heat... otherwise tempers flare and someone ends up dead.

I suggest this because, in the paper which is delivered daily to my room, the Chandigarh Tribune (I think you might be able to find this online) there is a story (at least one) daily that ends in violence surrounding issues of caste, gender, or economics.

While Sikhs and Muslims (in addition to some other minority groups) profess a desire for equality in both caste and gender dimensions, yet the current state is a far cry from our expectations of such things. While I could go on and on about caste dynamics, I think I've mentioned this several times before and would therefore like to focus a bit more on gender dynamics - and all the problems associated with love, women, and sex in Punjab (yes..this is the CONDENSED version from MY perspective).

Extended post here Think: Intercaste marriage (often the boy is the lower caste...though why I am unclear) formed because of love (for which there is no place in Punjabi society, or was none, say a fair few of our guest lecturers) ends with the father and brother of the girl kidnapping the couple killing and maiming them. The accused rarely stay in jail for any length of time.

In other cases the village council sentences the couple to death by ordering the family to kill them.

Punjab is one of three Indian states with the highest numbers of men relative to women (876 women to every 1000 men). In the paper there are regular reports of baby bodies being found near villages in ditches. They are always female. The Indian government has attempted to stem this long practiced custom but has met little success.

Women here do not go out at night by themselves (although this is changing somewhat with the younger generations). This is because of several reasons. Premarital sex is discouraged. You hav low levels of women relative to men. It's dark...guys are horny and they travel in groups. Rape and sexual assault cases are rarely prosecuted.

There is some change in the ideas surrounding public displays of affection (PDA) which is largely due to Western teenage love movies (even the scene of Cho Chang and Harry Potter in the recent HP movie would get whoops and yells in the theater). So now you see some couples nuzzling in public in major cities, but certainly not in villages. Ideas about sex and conversations about sex are limited although there are initiatives to educate (women especially) about safe sex and contraception options.

All this combined with the whole predominance of Indians' staring. For some reason staring happens...to everyone...not just to foreigners. However, white women (especially with unusual colored eyes and hair - say blonde and blue-eyed) elicit the most overt stares. You can understand why modest dress is a good idea for Western women. Needless to say, modest means nothing above the knee (i.e. knee is covered) and certainly no cleavage (and spaghetti straps are a big no-no). Standards of modest dress are not necessarily the same for Indian and Western women (so while an Indian woman might be able to get away with some of the above immodesties, a Western woman would be perceived as definitely asking for 'it').

So basically everywhere I go I get gawked alittle bit. Fortunately I have some protection by having darker hair and light brown eyes and olive undertoned skin. My friend Ash said I look like a lot of his half-Indian friends. This affords me a little less gawking, but it's certainly not protection from 'creep.' For my blonde-haired, blue-eyed, pink-skinned, (and in some cases, short-haired) friends, the gawking is much more overt, and depending on the woman-in-question's presence, will take on different characters. Short hair for example, will get curiousity, but not necessarily 'undressing-with-the-eyes.'

Even at the movie theater there is a separate line for men and women to help minimize the unwanted groping and touching that might occur. Apparently hands tend to wander (fortunately I have not yet encountered this problem) and even though this happens frequently, it is discouraged by the general population.

So, if you are a woman planning on coming to India from the West, 1) wear modest clothing as per the code above, 2) bring a ring that fits on your left-hand ring finger and 3) be comfortable pushing off the unwanted hands and yelling in their faces if they get a little too close. It's kind of like fending off a large cat - you put up any kind of fight, the cat gets discouraged and leaves you alone.

But don't worry at all if you have a guy in your group. Apparently one or two men is enough to ward off the undesirables.

And all this is to say: with all the advances women have in this country and political offices they've held, culturally men aren't able to control themselves. Hmmm....

Cults and pop religion

2007-07-24T05:25:00.000-07:00

So a recurring theme for me in India is, "I'm comfortable and happy being Christian and I have no intention of changing my religion ever." This is basically because of religious saturation. This is not just of long established religions, like Islam and Hinduism, but also separatist movements who claim to be the 'true' way and also popular religion (almost folk religion) which blur all kinds of categories and help soothe the most base of needs.

Extended post here It's these last two which I encountered this past weekend. Namdhari Sikhs are a group that split off from Sikhism in order to bring about a purer more orthodox understanding back into Sikhism in the mid-nineteenth century. We were able to visit their...for lack of a better word...compound and see a worship service (which involved paying respect to their leader who is quite ancient and sits in rather regal estate at the front of the worship hall).

Being a Christian, and a protestant especially, bowing to a person doesn't exactly sit well with me. It's not that I felt as if I was betraying God, I didn't. I did bow to the leader as a gesture of respect both to the leader and to the congregation. It was an act of cultural and religious sensitivity.

The popular religion location we visited was called Gugga Pir. I'm not entirely clear as to what person this place was a shrine to, only that there were several structures that had depictions (yes depictions) of various faith symbols (mosques, Sikh gurus, Hindu gods etc). In the main structure the icons to which people would pray and bring offerings, from what I understand, involved like a local muslim man who had a way with snakes and then Krishna blessing him. Offerings of wheat or other grains (or any kind of food) are brought by families and individuals after a wish has been granted (such as good harvest or animals being safe from snake bites during monsoon season). It was very much a shrine for the local people. In this case, local people means farmers from both small and large farms.

So there are religious groups, categories, and blurring of those categories. Now overlay that with political and socio-economic issues. The British when they came into the Punjab in 1847 (although certainly before this in other provinces) began taking census on religious rather than caste lines. Previously most Indians associated themselves primarily by caste and regional identities. So for review, most Punjabis consider themselves Sikh, then either Punjabi or their caste (like Jat) followed by the other. The British also instituted the reservation representation system...so majority groups in certain towns were guaranteed an elected official of their religious group. The exception to this is reservation for dalit or backward castes (which is different because it's based on caste rather than religious affiliation). So tensions can arise on religious or socio-economic lines (and are often interrelated).

It's no wonder there could have been so many riots prior to and during the British period, as well as during and after Partition (Everything in Punjab is dated from Partition as opposed to Independence as Partition had a huge impact on Punjabi society.).

And this is where I'm spending the next three weeks. I wonder how my understanding of these groupings and historical context will change once I'm in Delhi. This is my little self-experiment.

Religious Confusion and Cross-Cultural Enjoyment

2007-07-10T06:57:00.000-07:00

Religion...wow. This past weekend I visited a Christian school/chapel, a Jain temple, two commemorative Gurdwaras, a Mosque and Shrine to a Sufi saint, and a Hindu temple. People are not clearly Sikh or Muslim or Hindu here. There's this concept of popular religion which encourages people to sort of, as Mann says, 'hedge their bets.' So you can find Sikhs teaching at the Christian school, worshipping at the Jain temple and paying their respects to the Sufi saint. Talk about confusing.

From what I can understand, the issues when it comes to community violence (although I just picked up a book on the subject which may or may not support my hypothesis) are not religious (although they often take on a religious character) but are socio-economic. It has more to do with long held notions of caste, and all the power and wealth (or lack thereof) wrapped up in these. Likewise religious minorities or ethnic minorities become associated with certain levels of prosperity or castes and are therefore received accordingly(such as the Christian woman I mentioned before). Jains are often associated with trading and tend to be considered wealthy. Sikhs are generally considered wealthy, tall, and light-skinned (Punjab being a majority Sikh state and by far the wealthiest state in India). Christians are considered lower caste, as are Muslims in many areas. Hindus you get all sorts... I've also noticed some of this just in the marriage classifieds of the Chandigarh Tribune. Of course, these are stereotypes. Stereotypes have some grounding in reality, and as students of the social sciences, we can both see their usefulness (if indeed there is any) and their highly problematic nature.

Beyond that, as a spiritual person, as a religious person, I expected to feel something when I was in these houses of worship. Often I just felt awkward. Sometimes I just felt like an outsider. Part of it is certainly my tradition, being raised Baptist...it certainly has an effect. At the same time I was surprised. I've always felt a shiver when I hear the Muslim call to prayer, but in these temples I felt strange. I did appreciate the beauty of the gurdwaras and the Sufi shrine, but I did not feel reverence. This clued me in on the fact that I'm probably in the right religion (if I did have any doubts).

In other news we have been learning Bangra - traditional Punjabi dancing. This is awesome! For those of you who know how much I love to dance, you should also know I have a decent ability dancing freeform, but someone telling me how to move requires a great deal more concentration. HOWEVER, I have found myself comfortably successful and am enjoying it a great deal.

I've had enough email and computer for today, so here's Alexis from the same grubby cyber cafe in Sector 17, Chandigarh signing off, saying Salam, Shalom, Shanti, An, and Peace.

Christian Blue Ice

2007-07-05T05:32:00.000-07:00

Here's a little bit about last evening and today. I can't even begin to recall when it is July 4 or July 5 or what in the states...so if it's happened, then excellent...hope you enjoyed the fireworks. If it's happening, I hope you enjoy the fireworks. I'll relax as much as I can on tandoori (which I LOVE, so it's difficult).

Okay, so last night we went to this 'lounge' called Blue Ice which had a bunch of couples nuzzling dressed in Western clothes. The drinks, for India were expensive, but fairly EXTENSIVE. I've been to some bars in SB where the bartender didn't know how to make a Pink Pussy (which I got by the way, because the first time I got one I was in Hungary, and it was too nice of a connection to pass up.). The music was loud and Western - hip hop, to some classic rock, to techno (which Dan and Tony should be pleased- I broke out into raver dance sitting down. This apparently was quite a surprise to the group, because they all said 'WHOA!' and stopped talking. I noticed this, and finished dancing, and they applauded. It made me feel a little weird. Then my friend Jessie was like 'Alexis is a raver!' To which I replied, 'No, I just have a raver boyfriend.' *grin*

One of the girls, Fakrah, got up and wanted to dance the Bangra. She requested as song from one of the latest Bollywood films. This encouraged a guy who is on Berkeley's Indian dance team, Ashveer, to join her. This was amazing - I'm sure you can find videos of this everywhere, but I don't have the patience to find one for you...so you'll just have to look. Bangra however, is the dance that is affectionately referred to by white people as 'screw in the lightbulb, turn the doorknob.' Anyway, their dancing received applause from some of the other patrons. It was pretty cool.

Today the thing which was most interesting was the Christian presentation in the afternoon. Christians were not solely the product of British missionaries (however in Punjab they are primarily so). Thomas visited the region of Kerala around 49 A.C.E. and there remains a somewhat Orthodox community there (I'd like to learn a bit more about this).

Christians in India are generally perceived as lower caste, even though Christians do not adhere to the caste system. Because they don't adhere to the caste system, they cannot get reservation (as dalits from other groups might). Only recently did the Indian government in Punjab call them 'financially backward' which apparently doesn't really change their situation. Yay governments!

An additional pain is that constitutionally religions are separated into vedic and semitic religions. So for example, a Hindu who wants to adopt a child has a relatively easy time doing so - they go to court and it's a relatively painless process. A Christian, Muslim, or Jew simply cannot adopt. So while India claims to be a secular country without a state religion, there are structures in place which show this to be false (beyond that of the social and cultural).

That said, Christians have done wonderful things for the state of Punjab in the areas of health and education. The first hospitals and schools were begun by missionaries, who, as per the presenters, were there to serve rather than to convert. They saw the rural regions and the lack of opportunities, including work skills, and sought to remedy this by providing institutions which would educate both women and men (girls and boys - a major change because before women stayed in the home and remained covered). Professor Mann is actually the product of a Christian college and is good friends with the presenters we had today (all of whom were classmates with him at the Christian college). In fact, one of the most prominent colleges in Delhi is St. Steven's, a Christian institution. So I guess, Christian instituions are fine, but Christian Indians are not.

Talk about backward.

My heart went out to the one woman when she was telling a story about some research she was doing where she was interviewing some women in their homes, and when the subject of Christianity came up they told her they wouldn't use glasses or plates eaten from by Christians - those were to remain separate. She told them when she left, 'Can I take my cup?' 'Why?' 'Because I'm Christian.' A conversation began about how she couldn't possibly be Christian because she didn't LOOK Christian. 'What does a Christian look like? Three eyes? 2 noses?' She said she left crying.

It was today I began to understand just why there is religious tension in India, and how it really isn't so much about the religion perse, as the socio-economic structures associated with given religions.

I hope you all are having equally interesting times in your respective places.

Peace,

INDIA - Arrival+

2007-07-02T05:18:00.000-07:00

Here's the deal - I'm in India. I have just had the first opportunity to get to a computer, so this will be the first major update of my adventures. Expand to read the whole story.

Here's the short version of my arrival: Air India is a micro-expression of India. We were herded into the terminal in LAX where they searched us a second time, and the flight was delayed 3 hours because someone died on the plane we were supposed to be taking. Rules are not rules, they're suggestions. People are chatty and nice. Flight attendants wear uniform saris. Bollywood reigns. I personally appreciated "Namaste London" but I've seen the leading man in other movies, and well, he's hot. The plane arrived in Frankfurt after 10 hours, and the German airport guy freaked at the lack of rule-following. So classic. Another nine hours and we were in Delhi. There, we went through customs, got our bags, and went out into the heat. There, a man named Vicky took two of us, via car, to Chandigarh. Most of the drive was heart-stopping (you've never seen driving until you've been to India), with an on-going dialogue as we passed through villages and cities on our way. Driving - again, everything except red-lights and policemen are suggestions. The road is shared by rickshaws, motorcycles, bicycles, buses, pedestrians, horses, cows, trucks and cars. When we got to Chandigarh, the capital of Punjab 5 hours later, Jessie and I were totally exhausted.

We were met by the wonderful Professor Mann, who greeted us with hugs and quickly brought us to our room. Then we went downstairs for a bite to eat before collapsing for 12 hours sleep.

The next day we were joined by Joy and David which gave us a little group to explore the near area. We went to the market and got some fabric to have salwar kameez (sp?) made and also have some ready made clothes (currently I'm wearing a magenta/green number which is both comfortable and flattering...YAY INDIA!).

The day was HOT, and I mean, HOT. For being a weather wimp, it totally wiped me out. The next day, of course, I fell ill. I stayed in bed the entire day and only drank water, emergen-C, and ate some crackers. Fortunately we had no program things yesterday.

Today was our first program day. We first spent some time learning Gurmukhi (the Punjabi script) which is fun. This was followed by fresh mangos and tea (chai). After snacks, we had a lecture by an eminent scholar on the historical geography of the region. This was followed by lunch with a little siesta time (as it is too hot to really do anything during this period of the day). Then we had a lecture (which was more of a experienced elder imparting his life knowledge as opposed to a traditional lecture) from Mr. Prakash who was one of the architects who planned Chandigarh in the early 1950s. We got a book of poems from him which he had drawn a picture instead of signing (a different one for each book).

And now...you know what I'm doing, so I won't bore you with that.

Much love and happy wishes from India. If you're dying to see pictures, you'll just have to wait. Although, I will say, bright colors abound, and so do interesting sights. The caste system is visible everywhere I go. It is strange, but religion is a part of everything here - from greeting, to dress, to eating, much more so than all my prepartory reading led me to believe.

In any case, namaste!

"Truly I tell you..."

2007-04-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. There’s no real excuse except the grindstone of life, school, relationships, and other extracurricular obligations. Oh, and the failure of technology...

I am writing because of truth. I’ve noticed that a lot of people get hung up on that word, as well as other related issues. Philosophers argue, for example that there is no truth. There can be no absolute or objective truth – all truth is therefore subjective or relative. Some argue that there are definitely certain things in this life that are in fact true, and therefore are worth fighting for – dying for – possibly killing for.

Academia, the current juices in which I wallow, is full of varying understandings of truth. Most recently I’ve become interested in the liberal machine and how it moves, or doesn’t towards truth. I think Gandhi had it right when he said that both sides of an issue may have varying levels of truth and through conversation, debate, and dialogue we are able to come to a solution which incorporates the most truth we can.

The university, often a bastion of liberal thinking, in many departments has forgotten this very key thing. Different perspectives can hold different levels of truth. Despite being right or wrong, true or false, they are valid and important because opposing perspectives further fortify our convictions. They help us because they cause us to struggle and to question. It is essential that our positions be re-evaluated, if only to make them stronger. However it is okay if we throw them out. It is okay to be wrong, because, as said earlier, this can only help us along our way to something more helpful – more truthful.

A problem in many liberal minded departments is the total disregard for opposing perspectives. We say, oh yes, we are ‘open-minded’ but we really aren’t. We imply, through various turns of phrase, that we mean to be inclusive, but put up walls that alienate and infuriate. No. This is NOT the way to go about doing things. It is not effective. It is not helpful. Why? Because these walls are erected, we remove the possibility of dialogue. Because we close ourselves off, we cannot reconsider and re-evaluate.

It comes out in destructive and upsetting ways in classes. Partially because so many of our cold logically trained minds will react to things in emotionally charged ways which leave no room for opposition. Yes, be passionate. Yes, have an opinion. However, be strong enough to notice your emotional responses and why you have these responses to a particular comment or question. Is it the phrasing? Is it the person? Is it the fact you didn’t eat that day? Did you not sleep the night before? To let those kinds of things rule your day, your responses to intellectual conversation is dangerous. To let preconceptions prevent further consideration is dangerous. By allowing yourself to be angered by a potential ally’s careless phrase is not helpful. Rather, suggest alternative constructions or clarifications.

So, to sum up: Strong emotions and preconceived notions which blind are the enemies of dialoguing and truth-seeking. Truth may not be absolute, but there is something that feels right or feels true can be present in two opposing perspectives. Dialoguing between opposing perspectives is the most effective way towards truth. So, stick it to your professors or your friends – take up an opposing perspective, or even one that is wrong. Get into a debate. It’s fun. It’s invigorating. It helps send us on our way…

Alexis By Any Other Name

2006-10-14T12:02:00.000-07:00

I am on the Facebook. It is one of these online communities which seeks to connect people to other people through already established real-world networks (i.e. colleges, jobs, clubs etc). Anyone on one of these networks can search for people through a variety of categories (names, schools, jobs - you get the idea). So recently I received a message with a guy who probably searched for people with names that started with "Don." He found my last name and sent me a friend request which stated how much he liked my last name. As I have gotten older, I have become decreasingly attached to this name. The following is the message I sent to him.

"I know you saw my name and thought something to the effect of "Wow! That's cool!" However, every name has a story and mine is no exception. "Donkin" is an anglicized version of the Scottish "Duncan." If you know anything about British imperialism and Scottish disdain for the English crown, you know this is an eye-sore for Scots. For even more fun, 'Donkin' is not really my family name. My grandfather died when my father was a baby, and my grandmother remarried. When she married a man with the name 'Donkin' this man adopted my father. My father's name then changed from 'Stewart' to 'Donkin.' The only reason I have kept my last name as it is, is because I like the way my full name sounds and Donkin is a rare last name in the US. It also reminds me how the choices in our lives affect the outcomes, and our heritage is as much choice as accident."

Now, I know the above conveys my dislike, and strange reasoning for keeping my last name, but it does not explain anything about my other names (for which I do have a great attachment). "Alexis," a derivative of "Alexander" means "defender of human-kind" (the baby name book has a more sexist version using the word 'man,' so I changed the wording to express the true sentiment of the name). "Tara" (my middle name) has several meanings as there are a number of ethnicities which have this name. My personal favorite connotation is it's the name of the Tibetan goddess of beginnings. My least favorite is the Irish, which means 'bitter.' However my first name is the name with which I most strongly identify. It is the reason for the name of my blog - 'protector's archetype.'

Some people don't care about their names. Their names mean nothing to them. They are merely a delineation - separating them from the other people surrounding them in the world. For me, my name is more than a category. It gives meaning. I own my name. Whenever a person is called a name, it shapes how they act and who they become. This is why our words are so important, why categories can be so damaging or empowering. My name, combined with my deep faith socialization has given be a profound sense of purpose - of destiny in this world. I may not receive standing ovations from large groups when I step out on stage (at this moment *grin*) from all the work I have done on the global stage, but every 'insignificant' act every day has an affect on the lives of millions of people, though I do not see these results. It is no coincidence, my name, my choices, my enrollment in the MAGIS program. All these things are interrelated.

Yes, Shakespeare is right that a rose will smell as sweet with another name. But a person's choices and actions, as Romeo and Juliet can attest, are shaped by names and categories. If I was named Jennifer or Caitlin, I would not be the same person. If I had my family name Stewart instead of Donkin, I would not be who I am. Names are important, and so are the words we use to describe situations in the world.

A new Magus

2006-09-26T16:53:00.000-07:00

I've been hiding out relatively recently, and I've been anxiously anticipating a new beginning. Perhaps the hiding was due to a need to store energy up for my latest and most demanding new endeavor - the MAGIS program at UCSB.

Today was a TA orientation and a little departmental meeting - both of which shed more light than I expected. Of course, having no expectations helps the matter. Yet, still people surprise you. You're never quite sure where people will take you. Today was no exception.

The interests of my colleagues in the program seem bent on two general regions of the world (as far as I can tell) - the Middle East and Latin America.

As time continues I am less and less concerned about language requirements (as we're only required to translate 2 paragraphs in the language of our choice with the aid of a dictionary in order to demonstrate proficiency) and more concerned about the course load when combined with a TAship and my part time position. However, the graduate assistant completed her masters as a single mom with several teenagers while working a full time job. So, I shouldn't be too worried. I will be able to get through it. Yet the question remains, at what level, and to what cost?

The goal of the program, as the PR man Mark J. said, is to create some kind of global leadership in the way of non-profits in this changing world. I'm excited to be a part of such a high caliber group of people, while simultaneously nervous at the expectations (not only of the professors, but more problematically of myself). What will this leadership look like? How exactly are they seeing us? What dreams and aspirations do they have for us? My mind runs in multiple directions trying to close around the various possibilities.

My guess is the goal of foundation, with the combined effort of providing connections for our time after our 'short' program. I must admit, I feel I will miss my colleagues at the end of our time as they seem so interesting and interested. This breed of person is rare and difficult to discover in the world outside our academic bubble. I am sure the bonds formed in this program will hold fast, and prove invaluable in our work and lives after the program. I am sure it is divined as only such a creature can be.

A Minister

2006-09-25T18:32:00.000-07:00

Here's how the conversation normally goes:

"So, are you going into the ministry?"
"Uh..."
"I think you would make a good minister."
"Well, I don't believe that the role of 'ministers' will look anything like it does now in 20 years. I just don't think the Church is going to look the same way."

"Hmmm. Well, I still think you would make a good minister."

At this point I just roll my eyes.

I am repeatedly confronted with the question,"Do you want to be a minister?" As I get older it comes at me with greater frequency. This doesn't entirely surprise me. There are a number of ministers in my family. Both of my parents (much to the distress of the Southern Baptist Conference) are ministers. In fact, my mother was ordained while she was in her third trimester of pregnancy. You decide the theological ramifications of that one.

My mother's brother is also a minister. My father's cousin is a minister. A couple generations back on my father's side there was a missionary who actually died in the mission field (from some sort of tropical disease).

Of course, my family also has its share of entrepreneurs and stock brokers, but no one's asking me if I'll be starting a business or begin brokering any time soon.

So what makes a minister? Or perhaps I should say, what makes a good minister? Or even more important, what qualities in a person prompt others to ask the question "do you want to be a minister?"?

Of course there is the encyclopedic definition. But that doesn't really answer the last question. It doesn't really tell me why people think this would be a good idea. I can of course, espouse a list of reasons why people might think it would be a good idea for me to become a minister.

Let me first list the qualities I think (as only a PK can) are necessary in order to be a good minister:

1- The person must feel the need to lead - but more importantly, they must be a person others are willing to follow. By this I mean, there must be some sort of visionary quality, some sort of charisma present. There are different kinds of charisma, but ultimately there must be something in the person that draws others to them. If there is not, how are they to influence their flock?
2- They must be compassionate. They must be able to feel how other people feel, and to express concern and caring for them. This is key in any leader, as they must understand the seat of conflicts, and thereby be able to help generate solutions.
3 -They must have a fire for their fellow humans and a need to see them safe and fulfilled having all their basic needs met. This is of course the way it must be, if the person is to be a Christian leader. There must be a desire for social justice, otherwise, the person is not following the message of Jesus.
4- They must be able to admit their mistakes.
5- They must be able to delegate tasks, so as to both a)not become overburdened and b)give tasks to those who are the best suited for a task's completion.
6-They must be willing to re-evaluate.
7- They must be passionate.
8- They must be willing to struggle with their faith, and lay that struggle (at least in part) out to be seen by the congregation.
9- They must be imperfect, and they must know it is so and admit it as such.

BUT the MOST IMPORTANT quality is that they are CALLED to ministry.

Some of the characteristics which I numbered overlap. That's okay. I know they do. But there are different elements emphasized in each, which is why I separated them the way I did. Perhaps there are other characteristics which are also important in a minister but these are the ones which speak to my heart and my experience.

I said that is what it would take to make a good minister, not a great minister. To be great, I am sure there are nuances in each of these aspects which must be achieved, and of those nuances, I think books must be written and yet none can cover. Ultimately, there is something in a person that cannot be pin-pointed that makes them right for the role they will play. It is divine. They are meant for that part - the part was written FOR THEM at that point in their lives.

This of course, speaks of calling. To be called is the biggest and most important thing about a position. And while your specific calling changes as your life situation changes, there are certainly general roles that you are meant to fill in no matter what location you find yourself. Ministry is one of those which requires such a thing. Often times, I feel some people enter the ministry because they are so lost themselves, or they enter by process of default, as opposed to a genuine calling to the position.

That said, ministry is not confined to the occupation of 'pastor' or 'priest' or 'rabbi' etc. Just because you feel called to ministry doesn't mean you need to pastor a church. Ministry is what you make of it. Any occupation can become a ministry, and indeed is, when you view your work through that set of lenses. I think, this is something everyone should use to color their perspective on their job.

Life is sacred. Living is a worshipful act. Live life to the fullest and you are infact bringing glory to God. It is a beautiful thing.

So let's revist that wretched conversation and let me give a better answer to the dreaded question posed and re-posed by so many acquaintances.

Yes I will be going into the ministry.

Am I going to pastor a church? Not if I can help it.

Then how am I ministering? I will be living for God and I hope to make every act a kind of worship bringing glory to God's creation and helping to bring about his will in this world.

Every person I advise, comfort, or just spend time with sitting and being quiet is a kind of ministry and a kind of worship all at once. So too is the other person ministering to me. Am I ordained? You'll have to figure that one out. Will I go through the rigorous exercises required of seminary? Probably never.

I say all these things knowing that I do not know what the future holds and that I tread each step as it is revealed to me. This is all I can do. I can plan, but often my plan is foiled by a greater plan - God's.

All I can say to any definite end is that ministry runs in the family, and no doubt I minister on a daily basis.

More FX Pedals

2006-09-12T21:21:00.000-07:00

As you may have seen in an earlier post, I have begun to custom paint guitar pedals. I have thus far painted two for my father, gotten one order (which is posted here) and will be painting a limited edition run for Good Karma. The order posted here is from a guitarist in Alaska named Jim Beck. These are the boxes I painted for him. The one on the left is a BYOC vibratto. The righthand box is a distortion. If you like what you see and are interested in having me paint one of your boxes, please send me an email at: alexis.tara@gmail.com

The one in light blue accented with tans and black was an effort to capture the feeling of turquoise stones. The markings next to each of the drilled holes represent different switches (bypass, ramp, rate, depth, rise...). The owner loves turquoise, so I made a conserted effort to give the feeling of turquoise, with all of the 'imperfections' and character of a found stone. I associate turquoise with the desert, which is why I accented the stone shapes with a tan/beige outline. I thought the symbols needed to be a dark color - and what better than black which is often found on pieces of turquoise in various designs. It helped contribute to the desert theme to have symbols label the switches and knobs because it references the pictographs of ancient peoples often found in caves and on rock outcroppings.

The second pedal was made in a theme which I suggested and was agreed upon by the owner. Being that he is from Alaska where winter means something very different than it does here in Southern California, I thought it would be great to high light the spectacle of near 24 hour darkness. The box was originally finished with a gray hammer-on. Rather than stripping it, I used it as a background and contribute some alternate textures. Before painting, I used rubbing alcohol to remove select sections of the finish with varying degrees. Then I thought about the braiding rivers (which during winter would be frozen) and the lines that might create in the Alaskan landscape. I used that, combined with the knowledge I have of tundra colors darkened by night to create the over-all box. Jim had mentioned to me that he wanted some symbols or something to mark the switches. In order for the symbols to be seen, they needed to be painted in a light color. I chose yellow because of it's natural contrast with blues and purples (its compliment). Because the yellow is so bright, I didn't want it to completely overshadow (no pun intended) the rest of the box which is why the labels are painted over the knob holes. This is so they will be partially obscured, but visible enough so the player can see "V" for volume, "F" for fuzz, "B" for bias, and "C" for contour.
I didn't use symbols for these knob labels because I wasn't sure of a symbol that would be consistently clear (as I think the unobtrusive symbols on the turquoise pedal are).

There are still slots open for the discounted price of $30 per pedal. Once the slots are filled, the price will remain at $35. Every pedal design is unique and I discuss with you what color palette, shapes, symbols/labels (if any) etc. you would like. If you are interested please send me an email at: alexis.tara@gmail.com.

The Gospel According to $Bling$ & Other Life Lessons

2006-08-28T17:18:00.000-07:00

I was recently contacted via email to try a life coaching program put on by Jack Canfield based on his relatively new book, The Success Principles. Well, the email (which was incredibly manipulative in it's wording, as all good sales pitches are) made it seem like it was a cheap offer. Perhaps it was even free! So I went to the link, and filled out the little form and clicked submit. A few days later I got a call from a guy who works for Canfield as part of a pre-screening process. He talked with me for 10 minutes, and then wondered if I could go through an hour and a half interview where he would talk a little about the program. The guy sounded like he had been through this a hundred times, and he didn't feel genuine to me at all. I was more selling myself because I thought it was going to be free or very very inexpensive (keeping in mind that I am about to undertake two more years of school for my masters). Well, you reap what you sow.

He thought I would be an excellent candidate for their life coaching program. Then he told me the price, or 'economic investment.' I understand the nature of framing things a certain way - I've taken classes about this sort of thing. I know how it works. I've seen it in countless businesses when they change the title of different positions from 'stocker' to 'team member.' But the words mean the same thing. They refer to the same thing. In the end, you still needed to fork over $3500 in order to be successful.

That is a bunch of bullshit. There are a few reasons why. Yes, when you pay a certain amount of money you feel obliged to commit. The 'investment' inherently escalates your level of commitment to the program or product. You buy a nice car, you want to polish it's wheels every so often and make sure you take it in for regular maintenance, put in the proper fuel etc. The problem is that money is a difficult thing to come by. That amount takes out a significant percentage of the population. What about the homeless guy who wants to change his life? What about the foster kid who has been shuttled from home to home? Can they afford these things? Not unless they're doing something illegal and are sending a money order.

OKay, so automatically it assumes certain things about the people who are applying for this kind of service. Perhaps that is accurate, but it doesn't make it less shitty.

Secondly, the salesman who talked to me for much longer than I wanted provided me with the very logic that attacks his argument. He said, "Is a fancy dayplanner going to make you organize yourself?" Well, of course not. The only thing that can occur to make you change how you organize yourself is an INTERNAL change. You have to decide to change how you are living your life. You have to develop your own system. Okay, so the fancy schmancy life coaches might make that a little faster, but it will at the same time rob you of some good life lessons, like mistakes.

There is a reason we make mistakes. There is a reason we fail. It is to learn. When we learn from our mistakes, when someone asks us why we do things a certain way we can explain to them our choices. We have a logic, an easy proof - I tried it a few different ways, and this is the one that works the best. Granted, being willing to listen to new improvements on the successful action which make the action more efficient is a good thing, but at least you can provide some kind of history to back your action.

One of the things, which I have learned about myself, is that when someone doubts my ability to do something (which I already think I can do) it further strengthens my determination to do it properly and exemplary.

So, thanks to the stupid salesman for the lifecoaching thing, because he made me think of about 30 ways I could improve what I am doing on a regular basis in areas of health, income, and my productivity. The upsetting non-encounter also strengthened my resolve to take my 'goal binder' and turn it into a 'vision board' (which in my head, I actually call it a 'victory board' because I look at these things that I want, pictures and words, and feel like they are already happening or have happened - think the old Hebrew verb usage when referring to God). I also created a goal tracking chart which records all of my daily actions that are furthering (or hindering depending on the actions) my goals.

I have to say, I already feel better. It's amazing what not spending $3500 will do for you!

I should say, for those people who are too weak to do these things on their own, and need to spend the money, by all means, spend it. Canfield does give a guarantee that you will be changed. But for those of us who have less funding to play with at this time, and feel the overwhelming DIY urge that makes us Americans, I support you in your efforts and am here to say, you CAN do it, because I am doing it as you read this.

So peace, love, and frugality where it is deserved, or generosity respectively.

Talk AND Walk: A Soliton Critique

2006-08-17T19:03:00.000-07:00

Ever been tired of people talking? I don't know how many meetings of various groups where we just sit around and talk. People talk and talk and talk. It's good to talk some. You do need to think a little before doing anything. The problem is when you don't act on that thinking. I was recently at an 'Emerging Church' conference put on by the Soliton network, and I was reminded at how important it is to DO.

This is not to say that the people at this conference were not doing, but rather we talked a lot more about thinking than about doing. There were not very many clear avenues to 'do' things. Even though the conference was about hospitality, I found hospitality lacking in several interesting ways. Perhaps these are cultural expectations but I couldn't help but be affected by them.

So what were they? Let me give you several examples. The first day of the conference seemed planned as though everyone would already know everyone else there. There was no easy way to introduce yourself to other people during the day. Unfortunately I was unable to attend the evening session that Thursday night so I didn't get to connect with people there. In addition to no formalized environment for introductions, during the lunch hour people primarily sat with the group of people they came with. AND once I made a comment about this, out loud so that other groups could hear it, only men went between groups. It was a male conference. Perhaps this is an outcropping of various Christian views on women. In fact, it took me some time during the conference to break through the incredible male barrier. Several conversations in which I participated, I was one of if not the ONLY woman to speak during the conversation.

This was ironic because the conference was about hospitality, and it was not particularlly hospitable to half of the population. Nevertheless, I met some wonderful people and made some interesting discoveries about myself, Christianity, and what I need to do as a follower of Jesus.

People often talk about talking and walking, and they walk an entirely different way. No movement is without it's hypocrits. No group is without it's doublesided elements. Or so I think at this point. I could be wrong. I want to be wrong. I just don't believe I am.

What I am interested in is people DOING what they SAY they do. BELIEVE what they SAY they believe. BE who they CLAIM to be. The attempt is valuable enough. It doesn't take a whole lot to begin, it only takes a few little steps. People often want to do something to change the way of the world but become overwhelmed by all the things they find wrong.

DO NOT BECOME OVERWHELMED!!!

One drop of water causes ripples across the lake.

Don't you see? If you do ANYTHING it has an effect on EVERYTHING. Your smile to someone, your gentle conversation, your compassion in any way it manifests has a huge impact on the way the world becomes. Be a follower of Jesus now. Do the things he calls us to now. Love. Live. Worship in every moment, in everything you do, because everything is sacred. Everything is full of God. Everything is part of the plan.

So stop talking - START DOING!!! Recycle. Change your lightbulbs to fluorescent bulbs. Smile at people you pass on the street. Walk more. Enjoy the beauty of the world. Seek how you can serve others in every situation and you will contribute so much to the world. You don't have to do huge things to make a difference, you only need to do small things to begin to make a change in the way things are. It takes so little to start. You just need to start.

Once you have begun, you will find it will be difficult to stop. Find a group of people who can help you keep walking...keep doing...and you support them in their efforts as well. Meet in holy time. Pray and meditate. Support each other in your endeavors. Take hikes together. Create together. These nourishing times will help you do begin to do larger things. And you will do the things God has called you to do in this world.

You are a child of God - you are holy. You have the power to do wonderful things, even with the 'smallest' actions. So get up! Start walking. Maybe someone else will follow you.

Custom Painted Guitar Pedals

2006-08-07T20:41:00.000-07:00

My dad has played guitars for over 40 years. He has only recently rediscovered the joys of electric. With that he has also rediscoverd the fun of effects pedals.

Unfortunately I don't know that much about effects pedals. For a more indepth explanation of the kinds I painted here, see the entry in my dad's blog "Something Completely Different."

I studied visual art for two years at Bard College under a number of working artists who have exhibitions in musuems around the world, including the Guggenheim and the Tate. I also studied art history under a pulitzer prize winning author and a groundbreaking Asian art historian. I continue to paint, draw, make paper, design books, and cards as well as paint commissioned works for friends.

This is a picture of the first guitar pedal I custom painted. My dad purchased a make your own pedal kit and wanted it decorated. A friend of mine is putting the guts together.

I chose the colors for this first pedal because I thought they would bring together the colors my dad already has on his effects board (see his blog entry linked above).

The design is drawing on impressionism. I thought of later Kandinsky works while I was in the midst of making it. Like many impressionists, and certainly Kandinsky, I was thinking of the way music makes a person feel. The design then, was meant to recreate some of the feelings and ideas that come to mind with the different textures of sounds made by various effects pedals.

The second pedal I painted was a pedal my dad got through a trade online. It was orange originally, and instead of putting a coat of primer on it, I used the orange as a background and worked with the model paints I already had. This was difficult because I didn't have very many warm colors to work with.
This pedal was designed with similar concept in mind as the first. Except rather than thinking of a variety of textures as I did with the first one, I thought more of lava and fire. I also thought a little of the way leaves look in autumn for some of the dappled patterning. The shapes recall lava flows and rock formations. The color concepts were, as I said above, partially due to the palette in addition to the original orange background color.

If you or a friend are interested in having your effects pedals custom painted, either comment on this post or shoot an email to: alexis.tara@gmail.com

Please, serious inquiries only!

Sin: A Higher Cost

2006-08-07T18:25:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about sin. What is sin? What is the damage it causes? Are the 10 commandments really a viable set of laws for our time? How should we interpret sin in our times? What are the things that God would really consider sinful?

Yes, these are a lot of questions. Where did this line of thinking come from? It came from being hurt recently by someone close to me, from someone whom I would never have expected this kind of damaging act. I am not considering murder or rape out of the category of sin - there is no doubt the wakes those acts leave in their paths are horrible and I would never question the pain they could cause. I am much more concerned with more subtle and slow-acting sins such as lying, cheating, and perhaps even stealing.

You may wonder, why be so concerned with lying, cheating and stealing? Sure they're bad, but everyone tells a little white lie every now and then. There's no harm in that! I'm going to do something I abhor, I am going to come out in a fairly absolute way on this. If you think a little white lie does no harm, you are wrong. Denying truth is a slow thing. If you allow one thing to pass, soon others will.

I am not arguing that if your mother comes home with a terrible hair cut you should bash it in a harsh manner. Rather, say something like "I'm glad that you like it. It's always good to try something new." This is not a lie. It also does not make your mother feel badly about her new cut. Just because you don't like it, doesn't mean she doesn't, and your blatant dislike could turn her feelings off of the style which would be a disaster.

No, I'm not talking about those kinds of things. It's little lies that do the most damage. They make it possible for you to tell large ones. Pretty soon you begin to live in your own fantasy world, concocted in your own mind through a web of lies which have no basis in reality. The worst thing is not just that you are damaging yourself, but you are also damaging your relationships when you lie to others. When you tell a lie, you are causing a breach in trust, whether the person you tell knows it is a lie or not. You felt you needed to keep something from them, out of fear or some other negative feeling.

Get over it. Bite the bullet and tell them the truth. You maintain your relationship, or at least you are respected for coming clean. I am not saying you need to tell every person everything - that would be social suicide and could potentially ruin many a relationship (romantic, familial, or friend). Still, lying, the pain it causes and the mess it brings both communally and individually is heart-wrenching. It's a sin.

What about cheating? Really, cheating is a different kind of lying. It is trying to short change the system - finding some kind of short-cut out of ill-gotten means. Exploitation is a kind of cheating. What else is looking at someone's paper but exploitation of the other person's work? It causes dependency in you, and potentially ruins your reputation as well as makes them feel underappreciated.

This is not to say if you find a better way of doing something which is more efficient and just as positive you shouldn't do it. If I could remove half of all bureaucracy, I would. That would increase flow in countless organizations, and by no means is cheating, rather people would benefit all across the board. Cheating can be as small as looking at someone else's answers, or as big as sweat shop labor to cut labor costs in a transnational corporation. The damage it causes to a community and to individuals is catastrophic. That is a sin.

Stealing. I think fewer people would contest that stealing is a sin. Even lying and cheating are both more socially acceptable than stealing. Perhaps it is our American sensibility when it comes to issues of private property that makes stealing such an easy element to categorize as sin. However, now more than ever, it becomes easier to 'steal' information. Intellect has become a prized comodity. For some reason, perhaps it is because I am of a bridge generation (just on the border of X and Y), I do not find stealing of things on the internet to be as bad as stealing a concrete material. I DO, however, find plagarism to be appalling (probably because there is the potential of me to fall victim to this as I am a member of academia).

Some might say that Robinhood actions are ethically acceptable. I would say that in the event of all other possibilities being exhausted, yes this is acceptable. How come? What makes this different? It is intention, and one might argue, stealing back already stolen property. WHAT?! Stealing back STOLEN PROPERTY?!?!?!?

Extreme wealth is a kind of sin. Greed is a kind of sin. What do you really need? It's not talked about as much as it could be in this highfalutin town of Santa Barbara. But really, making huge amounts of money at the expense of the poor is a kind of cheating. It's a kind of sin. That's not in the 10 commandments, but it could be just as damaging as lying, if not more so. This is why, as a culture, as the Church, we need to have a discussion of what is really damaging to the community. What is important? What do we value? What would break Jesus' heart? Those are the things we need to consider. When we consider those questions, we can begin to weigh the worst of actions and decide how we need to change.

God help us as we prayerfully struggle with these things.

Put down your weapon. Step away...

2006-07-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

So much has been happening that has made me reconsider just what I am doing in this world. There is so much violence. Violence is all pervasive in our culture, in our society, and in our world. When did it become okay to show countless murders in movies and rate them PG-13 while a single sex scene with a bit of nudity renders a movie R?! What about videogames? Some people might think that first person shooters are entirely fine for kids to be playing. That might be okay if you're game involves shooting bottles, but by creating human targets it's a short step to shooting real people psychologically.

I began to think about it more in depth as the Israeli-Lebanese conflict escalated. I thought about the effects violence has as I was listening to gangster rap. Listening to the depricating comments and abusive language people so often use both at themselves and others makes me wonder how we got to this place. Why is violence so socially acceptable? Why have people become so desensitized that they think it's okay to throw out Just War theory? Why is it okay to punch your friend as you see a car go by with a different state's plate?

Some people might say I am being too sensitive. They might say I am being ridiculous to point at these things and draw connections between them. The fact remains that everything we do, say, think, affects how we think about the world and how we interact with our environment. When we condone violence in our everyday lives, it makes it easier for us to commit atrocities on foreign soil, and the same could be said in reverse. Yet, we no longer care about the evils committed by our soldiers like Abu Ghraib. Once was enough.

I urge you to rethink what you watch and listen to. I urge you to rethink what games you or your children or friends might play. I urge you to rethink the words you use on a daily basis. I want a world of peace. Peace starts in the heart, not out there. Peace starts with you and with me, and is spread through our compassionate actions.

Friend Survey

2006-07-07T12:24:00.000-07:00

I have decided to write a book about friendship. I made this decision based on conversations I had with various people, observations of people, as well as my own experiences. The book is primarily for people who have recently come into the 'real world.' So 20 somethings who find themselves in a strange city with few or no connections. I've sent out a survey to some of my immediate contacts, but if you know of anyone who might be interested in taking the survey and being part of this work (perhaps even getting their friendship story in a book), please drop a line through the comment shoot (or read on for further possibilities).

As I go through the process I will keep people updated. I also intend to maintain some kind of dialogue with those who respond to my survey. Any questions regarding the survey or the project I will by any means entertain. I will not include any contact information in the published work, nor will I include your name. The survey is for informational purposes only.

It is divided into three short parts which will take a total of perhaps 15-20 minutes of your time. Below you will find the first part of the survey:

1. Male or Female:
2. How old are you:
3a. In what city and state do you live?
3b. This is your __hometown __college town __summer experience __job location
4a. Approximately how many acquaintances do you have (in the city where you live)?
__0-10 ___11-25 ___26-50 ___51-75 ___76-100 ___100+

4b. Approximately how many of those acquaintances do you interact with on a weekly basis?

4c. You met them primarily because they are (choose one)
__ co-workers
__ connections through friends
__ involved in same activity groups
__ neighbors
__ members of the same religious organization
__ other (explain)

5a. Approximately how many comrades/associates do you have (in the city where you live)?
___ 0-4 ___5-10 ___11-25 ___ 26-40 ___ 41-60

5b. Approximately how many of those comrades/associates do you interact with on a weekly basis?

5c. You met them primarily because they are (choose one)
__co-workers
__ connections through friends
__ involved in same activity groups
__ neighbors
__ members of the same religious organization
__ other (explain)

6a. Approximately how many friends do you have (in the city where you live)?
___0 ___ 1-5 ___ 6-10 ___ 11-15 ___ 16-20 ___ 21-30 ___ 31-50

6b. How many of those friends do you interact with on a weekly basis?

6c. Of those friends, how many of them are close friends/confidantes?

6d. Please explain when, where, and how you met them.

7a. Have you ever placed a personal ad online? __yes __no
7b. Have you ever used craigslist? ___yes ___no
7c. If so, for what purpose?

7d. Have you ever used meet-up.com? ___yes ___no
7e. If so, for what purpose?

***********************************

You may either copy and paste it into the comment section (which does remain anonymous if you so choose) OR you may email your serious response to me at: alexis.tara@gmail.com

I will post the second and third parts of the survey up for you to do at your leisure if anyone chooses to take part in the survey via comment. Otherwise I will email you the second and third portions within 2-3 days of your email.

Thank you so much for your participation!!

Thinking Sea

2006-06-21T11:42:00.000-07:00

It's been some time since I've posted. How does life get away from you? Quite easily. Americorps is coming to an end. Youth pastoring came to an end. These are just some random thoughts that are floating around my head. Some are quotes, some are mine, some are something else altogether. If you recognize any, drop a line and you get points.

Someone once told me love is friendship on fire.

The glass is always full.

The song you like the most is the one you can never completely remember and you never completely forget.

What grade did you get in your class? A middle C.

Writing things down to remember later is key.

Waiting is the hardest part.

Whenever you're tempted, if you think of some combination of God and what you really want, you're no longer tempted.

There are many kinds of love, friendship being one of the best.

Just wait for me. Don't come looking for me, just wait. Meet me at the lake.

When you find the right thing, everything else fits together... it all falls into place... mountains are mole hills.

Peace comes to a clean house.

The unexpected is neither good nor bad, only fun.

Why deny what comes naturally?

Generally the things that are hard are also right.

I'll be running up that road, make a deal with God, ask him to swap our places.

Looking at her from across the room... smiling at everything they do.

Is she gonna marry him?
What do you think?
I think she's waiting for the next thing around the corner.

We're on a mission from God.

I don't know what I'll say, or who I'll say it to, all I know is I'm saying.

This has been a year long week...there's been several in the past month.

Sensuous up, can you bring me a beer?

The blood must have rushed out of his hands...settled in his arms somewhere. That's why they looked painted. They looked almost translucent, like they were meant to.

I'm supposed to be alive right now.

This is the beginning of something wonderful.

The Last Decision - Choose Life

2006-06-02T21:52:00.000-07:00

I had a long week. I went to Berkeley to visit my love interest this past weekend. That was wonderful. He is wonderful.

Unfortunately my grandfather passed that Saturday morning. It was strange being apart from my family when it happened. All the same, it was nice to be there of all the other possible places I could be (he consistently makes me smile). So instead of flying back to Santa Barbara, I flew to Pittsburgh for a funeral and a week fewer of Americorps hours. I couldn't help thinking, why does death have to be so complicated?

It shouldn't be. In many ways, I feel like death is more complicated than birth. At least when a person is born, everyone celebrates. They think it is this beautiful thing. All the potential for hope and beauty in the world lies in this tiny body of a baby. It's wonderful. The politics of the parents involved are forgotten for a moment, sometimes forever, as this new life is enjoyed and loved.

Death is not so easy. Instead, the politics of your life become entombed as you are interred. For example, in my beloved family, my grandmother did not make the best choices. She married a total of three times. The first man, my aunt's father, she divorced. The second, my father's biological father, died when my dad was only 5 months old. The third, my other aunt's father, died this past Saturday. He was the man I called 'Pap.' Now, my dad's biological father was idealized in my grandmother's mind. He has remained so, even to this day. Even after 50 years of being married to George she still talked about Barney. She even discussed having Barney's remains dug up and buried on one side, George's placed on the other, and her own buried in between. As you can imagine, this didn't go over very well with George.

Now, don't misunderstand. My grandmother loved my grandfather. She still loves him. It just was never the same kind of love she felt for Barney. This idealized love has had it's repurcussions on the living. It made my dad the favorite and my aunts second best. It made me special whereas the other grandchildren, while all loved, were held in a different kind of regard. I won't say I was the favorite, because I don't know that I was. I only mean that I was treated differently because I was Barney's blood.

It is only after my grandfather died, and my grandmother had left her apartment for a nursing home that we were able to begin to process some of the mystery of my grandmother's relationships and my grandparents' choices. We found death certificates and photographs, rings and pendants, notes and records. It was a great lesson. The whole ordeal - the different grave plots (while Barney was buried near a nice tree next to my great uncle and great grandparents, my grandfather was buried near a busy road, where my grandmother will join him) the mess left with the survivors - it was all a lesson on how to live.

Live so that you don't leave a mess. Live so that you die how you want to die, leave things you want them left. Live so that you know exactly what is happening to your body once you're gone. Will your possessions (howeve meager they may be) to people in a witnessed legal document. Leave this world at least partially on your own terms - yes you don't have too much control over how you die, but you DO have control over what people will deal with when you do. Leave plenty of stories for loved ones to tell at your service. Make sure they give you the proper send-off, whether it's drinking IC Lite at the Italian American Club, or it's burning incense in the Japanese Tea Garden in Balboa Park, just make sure people know what you want.

Do the right thing. Don't make other people miserable because you can, make people joyful because you want to! Honor your preferences. Appreciate the people whom you love. Admit when you've been wrong. Settle differences. Have lots of parties. Eat wonderful food. Make lots of love to your partner. Nurture your spirit. Listen to music. Play outside. Dance at every opportunity! Sing! Do whatever it is that brings you a sense of fulfillment and peace. Keep a journal to let generations after you know what went on inside of you as you lived.

I have to say that once I grew up I began journalling consistently. I started choosing to do things because they might be the only chance I will ever get to do them. I started making a commitment to going after my dreams and taking care of my needs. I decided I wasn't going to do something just because someone else wanted me to, but only to ever do something if it fits in with my purpose and my needs. I try to tie up loose ends whenever I can. Leaving things incomplete is a recipe of disaster that I will not follow.

There are a lot of things we can do to make sure we choose life. There are a lot of things we can do to make sure we make the best possible decision for our lives. Examine. Explore. Savor. Be careful, but do not be overly cautious. Fear can keep us from the most amazing experiences of our lives. I'm going to keep visiting that guy in Berkeley. Why? He enriches my time, every moment I am with him or talking to him he adds value. That's the kind of decision that yields good fruit, which when planted will yield a beautiful orchard. Sounds like a good choice to me.

Strands of Fate?

2006-05-11T15:24:00.000-07:00

I don't really believe in coincidences. So when someone comes into my life in a very unexpected way, it's certainly considered worth my notice. Yet, there are some things that are a little too perfect. In fact, they are so perfectly orchestrated, it leaves a person wondering "what is so important about this circumstance?"

No matter what your opinion on the movie Meet Joe Black, there is certainly an element there of perfectly timed circumstance (the early scene in the diner). Now take that scene, and the 'coincidences' of the things said, and then multiply it several times over. That would bring you to the situation where I currently reside.

Why, for example, would someone who graduated from my alma mater and grew up in PA, randomly end up with my screen name on his buddy list? How is it possible that our time overlapped at such a small school and we never met while at school? How is it possible that he roomed with some of my friends and we never met? He has connections to Austria. I have connections to Hungary (see the history of the Austro-Hungarian Empire). He has a wine collection. I wish I had a wine collection... There are more connections that I could draw, but for the sake of sparing you (from the background of each), I will let them be. It is only now, several years later, while we live in the same Western state, hundreds of miles apart, that we are finally able to meet.

I have no idea what the purpose of this connection is or why it wasn't made sooner. I can only speculate. I know, from experience, that timing is everything. Timing combined with life circumstance... is like cooking. If you are missing one essential ingredient, the bread doesn't rise, the brownies turnout hard, the pudding doesn't gel. I feel the Spirit move more at this point in my life than I did earlier. I can see much better how things may fit together. I can see purpose, direction, reasons for things to be the way they are as I move from one step to another. I am very interested to see how something with so many parallel strands will turn out. It can only influence many things to come. I feel that any fruit from this plant will be good, but not just good, great. I just wait to see the exact type.

Loose Screws - Jaws the final chapter

2006-05-08T17:59:00.000-07:00

This is belated. I got the 16 mm screw taken out of my upper gum/bone, and the hook/wire out of my lower gum on May 2. I ate pizza. I ate salad. On Friday I ate a cheeseburger. The pizza was okay...not quite as exciting as I thought it could be. The cheeseburger was amazing. I smoked shisha, the middle-eastern flavored tobacco. It was the first time since October.

The cheeseburger was more exciting, the shisha was just additional celebrational fare. Saturday I ate a hardshell chicken taco. It was awesome. To have something that crunches between your teeth after almost 5 months time of no real crunch, well, it's nothing short of glorious.

There is a reason why there is a variety of texture in the world -for us to ENJOY. I fully intend to enjoy every crunch I am able in the next few weeks. The jaws are slowly getting used to the work-out required for green beans and salad, as well as other vegetables. Those make me want to stop eating. After all, if it's difficult, you lose your appetite.

Now it is just a matter of time to have the chrome removed. That will be amazing. I anxiously await the day that happens and plan to paint the town red. I'll get dressed up, go downtown, and flirt my way through the night with many a flashing smile.

There's a wall - what do we do now?

2006-04-29T13:45:00.000-07:00

Where do we go now?

Well, today ABCPSW was voted out...by the regional church delegates (that is the conservative region of American Baptist Churches of the Pacific SouthWest held a vote to leave the denomination - read more about it here).

As one of the delegates present in SLO, I couldn't help but think how painful the thing is. It feels like a child deciding to disown his/her parents. Wrong. Terribly, utterly, awfully wrong.

I don't like the things PSW has done, nor do I like the direction the region has been going on the issues which have caused us to come to this point. That said, division doesn't do anyone good. It only serves to bring us further along an unhealthy path. Humans are social creatures. We function best together. It is the same way in an organization. The hand doesn't say to the foot, 'I don't need you any more, goodbye!' and leave. Ridiculous. Absurd. Yet, this is what happened today.

It caused me to think about my place in the Church.

Where do I go? What do I do? With whom do I align? I just don't know. As someone who grew up in the church with 2 minister parents, it is a difficult question. I love God. I love the teachings of Jesus. I love the way. I do not love the Church. It is a corrupt and awful institution that has created much evil and heartbreak in its path. Dating back to Constantine... when Christianity became a state religion, we can see the wake of pain. I wash my hands of this blood.

As this century begins, there is a calling, a need, a longing for a new kind of worship. There is a searching for wholeness and healing, a cure for division and pain wrought by the Church. A house divided cannot stand. Let me tell you, a new house is being built. A new way, and the same way as ever is being shown. Let us close our eyes and leap out into the abyss of unknowing. Let us take a step in this new direction. Let us walk the Way. Let us walk the only Way, in truth and light, in healing and hope. Let us tear down barriers, destroy borders. Let us be plants that reclaim the cemented sidewalk.

We will be like the German people at the Berlin Wall in 1989 - re-creating a whole Berlin. The Chinese can tell you that walls do not work. They are not defensible. They are not practical. They serve as projects of unhealthy isolation - a psychological crutch for those who build them. They never stop the onslaught of steppe peoples to the north from running into Chinese territories. Let us blast through these walls with love and understanding. Let us forge alliances, and stand on common ground.

I extend my hands to the people on the otherside. I open my arms to the margins. Join me. Join us - people like me around the country and the world. There is a call, a longing, a seeking. We will build this house together, stronger than before...
We will be mustard plants in the farmer's fields. No one can cut us out...no one can stop us from spreading the message, the word, the love. The REAL love. Agape. Our hearts are on fire. Love for people. This is the new order. This is the new direction. This will be the new proving ground. Come with me. It's time to leap.

God sometimes you just don't come through...

2006-04-20T16:41:00.000-07:00

"Do you need a woman to look after you?...oh God sometimes you just don't come through." That's a portion of the chorus from Tori Amos' song God. That song expresses some of the hopelessness that alot of young people feel who have grown up in the faith. To address some of those issues, I've started a spirituality group for 20 somethings that meets on Thursdays at 8pm in Mojo's Coffee. As a group, we hope to address questions and struggles around God and spirituality in general.

It's a brand-spanking-new thing, so we're not sure exactly how it will take shape. That all depends on the group present. After all, it is for the people present, and so will be taylored for them and by them (similar to the name of a certain clothing line - hinthintnudgenudge - for us by ___). I'm only playing the role of a facilitator, monitoring discussion, and so I'm not asking the questions.

My vision is that it becomes it's own animal, and really takes on a life of it's own. I think it will. Time and love are the two most important factors. We'll see.

Who knows what life brings? Who knows how the spirit will move? Yet, I know it does. I can see it as the marble is cut away to reveal the form inside.

Faded Photographs

2006-04-08T23:31:00.000-07:00

It's sad when someone gives something up without a fight - or so they say. I mean, "don't it always seem you don't know what you got til it's gone." The funny thing about memory is that you sometimes forget the reasons why you did things. You only remember the things that made you feel good... or the spectacularlly bad situation which is the stuff of legend. If there is no spectacularlly bad thing, you only remember smiles, kisses, hugs, and sweet nothings. And eventually, you even forget that.

While I was in Pennsylvania I had the opportunity to look at old family photos. Unlike some families that organize their photos in scrapbooks and albums, these were just piled into boxes. That tradition continued into my immediate family, and I suppose, ended with me. In any case, photo boxes tell just as much as albums. I learned some things about my family that I had never imagined.

Now, these things were not large all encompassing things. They weren't silly stories, or long lost dreams. I saw photos of my dad's ex-girlfriend from highschool. There was even a picture of them kissing. She looked kind of like my mom, but more plain and with a rounder face. I asked about it. I mean, why, after all these years (most of which my dad has been married to my mom, and only ever my mom) did these photos still reside in my grandparents' photo boxes? It seemed a strange thing. My dad confessed that she was an on-again/off-again. Apparently there had been several times when he had dated this particular girl. She must have stuck in his head a little more than most, because even after having met my mother (before they became very serious) he talked about this girl. But of course, he met my mother.

It got me thinking about relationships in a way that I hadn't before. There's always one before. There's always one that gets mentioned again. It colors our experiences afterwards. But it's just a color - and with repeated exposure to sunlight and sometimes spilled coffee, it disappears entirely.

I uprooted my plumeria. It just didn't fit in the soil. I was worried it would get too much sun and dry out, or drown in the water of an unusually wet winter. It happened so fast, it was almost as though it was swallowed by the marine layer. He stopped talking. He stopped writing. I stopped calling. Right now, of course, I'm nursing the hurt of realization. I'm nursing the hurt that he didn't care enough to fight or to say how much he cared, or how this was painful for him to realize too. I was greeted with silence. Silence says so much it's scary sometimes. And here I am, trying to comfort myself by talking, talking into silence.

I'm nursing the pain so my selective memory hasn't yet set in. I'm still waiting for the negative memories to fade, and leave me with all sweet nothings that were dealt in glances and furtive hand holdings. And then, someone will come along. Someone always does. They will be bigger and brighter than the morning star. They will fade the memories with time and exposure.

Some day a child of mine will come upon my slim album where I collect pictures of meaningful people and ask about this one. "He was my on-again/off-again." "I was still talking about him when I met your father." "Yes, that shirt was a terrible idea." "No, I only wore that dress once." "I don't remember what we did, I don't remember what we said." "You look just like me." "You're doing the same thing I did." "Don't let this discourage you, we all go through it." The silence of the photo gives way to the laughter of a lover.

Conquer-The-World Heels

2006-04-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you need to clean house. Sometimes you need to clean house a big way. I was in Pennsylvania for a week, and it kicked my house-cleaning into high gear.

To get anything done, you need to be able to say it out loud. You need to be able to articulate a thing. It took me until this trip to be able to articulate the things I really wanted.

It started with articulated goals. Just ask yourself, what do you want in 3 years? 5? 10?

Well, I finally answered that series of questions. When you really focus on the things you want, jobs, friends, hobbies, spouse, etc. it often causes you to change the direction that you were going. I for example, figured out that I will probably surround myself with a lot of suits. Suits mean dressing up and entertaining. They also mean a spouse that can handle the situation. Needless to say, I bought a copy of Pink Magazine.

That was just the beginning. I bought heels. Not just any kind of heels, but conquer-the-world heels. When I first showed my dad the shoes, he thought they were "f***-me pumps." Well, the shoes I got are not coated in vinyl or rubber. They're leather. On some women, heels are always f***-me pumps. It has to do with how a woman carrys herself. Other women, heels are always conquer-the-world heels. It's not really about the shoes, it's about ambition, intelligence, and passion. It's the difference between a bar-fly and a board director. I'll be the latter. When I bought those shoes it wasn't about choosing a shoe, it was about actively choosing a life-style.

Whenever you choose a new path you have to clean house. You change the way you frame yourself and your world. You change the places you eat and the clothing you wear. You change the way you speak. You get rid of flings and instead pursue serious interests. You bring closure to incompletes which allows you to open new doors that never before existed. This path is only a continuation of a choice I made mid-high school when I gave up my slacker friends for the top 10% of the class. At first it was painful, but slowly it gave way to liberation and to things that I really wanted. Here's to new beginnings. I'll sip my syrah and kick-back in my conquer-the -world heels.

Going All The Way - 100

2006-03-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

Percent. That's the amount of devotion that is ideal for everything you put yourself into. Any amount less, will yield a less complete result. It's waking up every morning and saying "YES" to your day. That kind of commitment means work, and sometimes boredom. Yet at the same time, it also means fulfillment. When you make that kind of commitment, you get the results you want. You can achieve nothing less - be it your relationships, your work, working out, or reading more on a daily basis. This is the difference. This is the difference between 100 and 50. When you commit only 50% of the time, you get half of the results. It's a waste of your time to do something half-way, and it's a waste of other people's time. If it's one thing that I've learned this year, that could be the lesson for my year, it is this. Go all the way, or don't do it.

This was reflected in my surgery. I committed to doing it. I wanted results. I have followed my surgeon's instructions. I WANT a PERFECT bite, nothing less. I have stayed in Americorps, after some suffering, because I chose this. I signed a contract and I said I would do it, and so I have. Now, I would not trade the experience for anything. I made the right decision. Because of my commitment to my friends, when I need them the most, they're there. I am glad that I didn't ditch them, or let the relationships be half-way. I made a promise to myself that I would only pursue education that would allow me to make a difference in the world politically and socially. I am not enrolling in just any program, but my ideal program which found me rather than me having to find it. If you make the commitment, you reap the benefits of your commitment.

It took me this year to really understand this. I had an international friend in college who explained this lesson to me before I was able to articulate such a concept. I asked him about his relationship to his girlfriend. This woman was the first woman he had ever dated, and in his estimation would become his wife (of which I have little doubt, if she has as much commitment to him as he does her). I asked him a naive question - whether or not he would marry her, whether or not he would date other people. He explained, his ships had sailed, landed, and he had burned them. There was no going back. This was his choice. He made it. He was sticking by it. At the time I couldn't understand. This young, beautiful, intelligent man was only going to date one person ever?! Of course, he knew something that I did not. He was committed, and commitment yields beautiful fruits. Now that I am older, and have gone through the experiences of the past year, I realized the truth of his explanation.

Unfortunately, commitment is not easy. It may be simple, but it is not easy. Let's revisit my plumeria. Sometimes I am tempted to go down other paths, there are many beautiful flowers. One of my friends recently asked me, "When are you going to get over him?" Even if I could get over him, that is a mute point. I burned my ships. I made that decision a long time ago. I've stuck to it. I've waffled sometimes, some people have provided convincing arguments against my choice, and others have tempted me away from my choice. In the end however, the arguments are flawed and the temptations are rotten. The only thing remaining is the person I chose.

Maybe the other people are not as committed. Maybe some other factor gets in the way to prevent fruits from ripening. How many times does commitment lead to ruin versus times everything goes right? It's not worth considering. It doesn't matter. But even if it did, commitment is a very persuasive thing. You can't push it aside. If someone is committed to you, you know it. It's clear. You wake up, and you know. You go to sleep, and you know. It's very rare that commitment leads to some place gone awry.

The lesson - be committed to the things you do. Don't go half-way, because then you'll be short-changing yourself and those around you. Go all the way. Give 100% all the time. The results are worth working for.

Night Of The Blended Blob - Jaws 3

2006-03-09T22:45:00.000-07:00

This past Tuesday brought me to my soft food diet. Mmmm. Yummy. Actually, softfood includes things like lasagna, rice and beans, chile relleno, eggs, banana bread (without a stiff outside), sandwich bread, peanut butter and jelly, baked potatoes, and the list goes on. They say the possibilities are endless, and the reality is that I have a lot more options now than I did previously. Milkshakes are actually appealing. I just hope this change doesn't cause me to balloon up. I like being 138. I'd like to stay in that range.

Yet, it's still strange. You don't think about the sensation of food between your teeth when you have always been able to chew (or atleast for as long as you can remember). Maxo-facial surgery actually forces you to relearn how to chew (!!!). It feels odd once you have that bit of flaky fish in between your molars. It feels alien. It can't belong there, but it does, and it always has. The change in textures is LOVELY. The ability to use utensils...really makes you feel like you're part of society again. You don't really appreciate the use of a fork until you can't use it (although I guess some parts of the world could care less, as an American it was a big deal).

Finally I am seperated from the blender! Granted, I can't eat delectable things such as coleslaw (cabbages being a little on the tough side), but the movement from blended poultry is really a plus. Tamales filled with flaked pig muscle is a great change (to be perfectly graphic).

Now I just have to bring the rest of my life back into balance and I should be okay. Food, check. Organized room... uh...not yet. Americorps hours back to normal, um...check BACK later. Exercise regimen, yeah...we'll get there. Right. Well, at least one thing is pseudo-normal about my current schedule. Equilibrium is such a fine thing in that it always comes back. It's just a matter of time...

Mundane

2006-03-02T22:30:00.000-07:00

No one mentions that a handmade telescope
From a first grader can feel so warm
Even after the adhesive smears inside your bag...

Or how the description of divine inspired color
Between sunset and dusty ground
Lights up your eyes.

How much I miss on a daily basis!

I don't stop to listen to the music
Of a kitsch woodland creature fountain
Or sparks reflecting off bottles
Of deep hued perfumes.

...the snowing that goes on
My shelves everyday
And the over excited barking
Of my packmates nextdoor.

So sharply subtle...
I feel it all and put none to paper!
Instead I push my tongue against my molar
Sit at the keys to play one more hand.

a poem

2006-02-26T23:17:00.000-07:00

This is a poem that I wrote this morning as my dad prayed (click 'expand post').

What Really Happened

I divorced myself from you
Quit going daily, weekly
Quit waking up and being there.

The commitment I made
When I crossed the heart's threshold,
Life water

What prevents us from reconciling the pieces of this broken house?
Me?
But where have you been?
Hiding.
Waiting inbetween the lines?

I'm not strong enough to look there.

Crawling out of the corners of my eyes,
I still hope for your return.

Affirmative.

2006-02-20T22:39:00.000-07:00

I recently picked up a book that had been recommended to me by my Americorps supervisor. I'm not much for self help books. When I was younger and much more guilible, I purchased one or two because, well, I thought they would do something amazing for me. They didn't. In fact, they ended up becoming an expensive doorstop. The Success Principles is, however, different. Rather than being a doorstop, it is a catalyst for change.

Extended post hereLike I said before, I'm not much for self-help books. This book sat on my bedroom floor for several weeks before I finally decided I should pick it up. It was on loan from my sup because she said I could get Americorps hours for reading it (if it works, it helps you to perform better, in theory). Seeing as my sup was getting antsy for her book back, I decided I would read it so that I might return it. I am usually a fast reader. However, with this book I find myself re-reading lines, paragraphs and sometimes whole pages. Infrequently, I even read a page out loud to myself. Needless to say I am less than half-way through. I am also no longer reading the book. No, I am still reading The Success Principles, I mean to say I am reading a different copy - my own. I got my own copy because I want to be able to refer back to concepts, and to underline things I want to find quickly.

How has this book made such a strong impact on me? The book is about getting what you want by acting like you already have it. The reason this works is because the brain expects it. When the brain expects something, it finds ways to help make it happen. Because, in this world, when you expect something to happen, it does. Sweet.

p.s. Even several weeks after I began writing this post, I am still reading this book. The most difficult part, implementing the principles. I guess once you begin it becomes easier and easier as you build up your life changing momentum. I imagine I'll keep you posted on those.

Remember Purpose

2006-02-09T21:30:00.000-07:00

It is easy to forget. Sometimes I forget my motivation. Sometimes I forget the papers I need. Sometimes I forget what information is due what time to which person. Sometimes I forget why I began walking this way for this year.

Then I see them. They are full of life, and so much promise. I see them and the walls that the world forces upon them. I see the results of their broken families, of learning differences, of a native language other than English and I see their struggle.

There is only one reason why I do this, why I focus my life the way I do. If I can change fate, if I can stack the deck the opposite direction, if I can plant a mustard seed, I will have accomplished what I set out to do. Their struggle will not disappear from my actions, this is true. Even still, the bonds we make, and the time I give to them to nourish these plants that grow out of twisted cement cracks, is enough. One will become a tree.

I don’t do this to see numbers. Numbers do not measure my success. They are not helpful and do not show the real fruit of this labor. A child breaking out of their shell, beginning to answer questions in class, volunteering to read, this is my success. One is enough. Yet how do I know I reached even one? I know because of the smiles I get as I pass. I know because of the waves I get as I walk. I know because of the explosion of excitement that happens when I walk into a classroom. “Can I read with you?” “Can you help me?” “Where were you?” “Hey! Guess what?!”

Even when I am tired, even when I am upset, when I see them, when I know their need, my tiredness disappears for that moment. We are there. It doesn’t matter how long it takes to explain. I explain seven times, eight, twenty. I listen to their problems, to the walls they cannot break through, when no one else can listen. Someone cares for them. Someone loves them just because, and they know they are a gift. They see their worth.

That is the moment that makes it all worth it. That is the moment when it comes full circle. I remember.

I'm 23 - Give Me An Extra Large Bowl

2006-02-05T21:04:00.000-07:00

Ben Roethlisberger, Jerome Bettis, Hines Ward, Willie Parker... I love you all. In case you can't tell, I'm a Steelers fan. It's hard being a Steelers fan in Santa Barbara CA where no one knows what Iron City tastes like, or Yingling, or who Mellon or Frick or Carnegie were. It's hard when you're celebrating a holiday that no one else is celebrating. We went to a superbowl party, like so many people do, but, they were mostly rooting for the Steelers because my dad is a huge Steelers fan. They didn't want to be on his bad side.

I do have to make a shout out to the second youngest quarterback ever to play in the bowl. Yes, Big Ben. Damn it feels good to be 23. I couldn't have agreed with that statement last month, or even most of last week. But sometimes you wake up in the morning and everything is just a bit brighter. The flowers are a hue more vibrant, the weather is perfect (even if it's whiteout conditions), and even the snotty salesclerk is positively endearing. No, it's not because of a beautiful win (although in Big Ben's case it might be *grin*). No, for me it was more about having a normal looking face and flirting with the clerk behind the counter at Blenders In The Grass (actually, he was the supervisor, and his name was also Ben...). It was also going with my friend downtown to get his WW2 Japanese Katana appraised...and then walking around with it. It was eating grits with butter and cheese. I say these things, not to make the XL win less meaningful, because, in the careers of the Steelers, it means a lot. I say this because for the average non-NFL playing person, it is all about the grits with butter, the vibrant flower, a child's laugh, the arms of a lover.

You did notice, Ben is still single. Yowzah.

Yes, 1982 was a good year, for wine, and for people (from my first hand experience). According to the Chinese Zodiac, exactly 24 years from when I was born, this will be a lucky year for all of us born in 1982, or even 12 years later or 12 years before. I just thought I would put in a positive note, because frankly, you know it's going to be a good year, when your team wins the Lombardi Trophy.

Jaws 2 - Infinitesimally small particles

2006-01-27T22:55:00.000-07:00

When they say liquid diet, they mean liquid diet. That may have been the only thing that truly went as planned...and even that wasn't completely. Because I healed quickly. My stitches closed more quickly than was scheduled, so when the second week came, I was moved up immediately to 'particles.' This means I am now able to have blended drinks rather than strained juices and am able to wear 3 elastics which dictate how my jaw closes. These elastics are taken off twice daily at which point I am to stretch my jaws by opening and closing my mouth as much as I am able and then to brush my teeth. Yes, that means before particles I was unable to brush my teeth. You can imagine the joy of being able to remove fuzz once I was able to take my nostaligic pink 'my little pony' toothbrush which my mother had so enthusiastically gifted me to my pearly whites.

I have also been fortunate enough to get passed over for my share of bruising (ah how genetics have shat and favored me in one go!) as well as having a lot less swelling than the average maxofacial surgical patient. So while my jaws are broader than they would be normally - than they WILL be normally - they are not grotesque.

My father has graciously photographed the stages of my recovery journey. I will upload them as soon as I am able for all the world to see. It's almost like a Bardian senior thesis project that one inspired senior created. Hers involved documenting how orange her skin became as she proceeded to eat more and more carrots over a period of time. I think mine is more beneficial to my health than hers was to her health. I could be wrong. I just never thought orange was the ideal color for skin....in any person. But like I said, I could be wrong.

Needless to say my time in hibernation (the best word for my self-inflicted reclusive actions for the past 2.5 weeks) has been rather productive. I finally cleansed my now happy laptop and restored it to its obsolete glory! I also knitted two scarves - one knitted with two cables. Sweet. On top of this I have read more of the beloved 1984 after quite a long retreat from the classic manual of our times, as well as having painted approximately 60% of a commissioned canvas work (a mermaid) for a friend's wall. Not too shabby. Ah, I also sharpened my jaw opening skills, cup drinking skills, and my ability to sleep on my back without turning side to side too much (quite a feat for a side sleeper). I should also recount the fact that I have further honed my Sudoku solving ability by making use of the daily newspaper puzzle as well as my giant Sudoku book which I bought just after the new year.

For giggles, let me tell you the fabulous dinner I tried this evening. Upon recommendation by the nurse at my surgeon's office, my mother blended orange peel chicken (yes...blended it) with the aid of some chicken broth. As could be imagined, it was a beautiful color and texture. The first attempt was so thick it merely stuck inbetween my jaws and my braces being so thick I was unable to suck or pour the thing down my waiting throat. The second attempt was a little more successful, if slightly more disgusting as per presentation (not that the first was VERY good). My mother added a bit more chicken broth. Needless to say, this simply sped up the process of sticking chicken flecks inbetween my perma-wires and elastics as well as looked just like something my cat recently regurgitated.

In the interest of nutrition, I did drink half of it. Then, proceeded to break open a fortune cookie, take the fortune and give the cookie pieces to my folks. My fortune this evening read: TAKE A TRIP WITH A FRIEND (in all caps, I kid you not and in the Verdana font).

Well, I would love to, really, any trip (and I mean any) at this point would do however I do have obligations for the next several months (until JUNE!!! WOOHOOOO!!!) not the least of which is to return to my sweet surgeon's office regularlly to monitor my jawful progress.

Wish me more comfortable sleeping tonight than last. Good night. I'll see you when there is no longer darkness. ;-)

Adaptations: Part 1 of Jaws

2006-01-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

They say that survival is left to the fittest. Well, I beg to differ. Survival is left to the lucky. Forced natural selection? I don't think so! Last Wednesday I went under the knife for the first time (well, wisdom teeth doesn't really count). Yes, I was a patient who elected to have maxo-facial surgery. This means that while my bite could not be fixed adequately with orthodontics, surgery could easily 'close the gap' (literally!).

Without things like corrective lenses, surgery, antibiotics, and any number of things... a lot of people would be a lot less desirable and some would be a lot less living. Now, I don't subscribe to the view that we should let nature take it's course. I am not a Christian Scientist. I believe that God gave us the resources we have - like intelligence- so that we may use them to both better ourselves and to care for the world. This means that when we know how to make and use corrective lenses for myopia, we make them and use them. It's a pretty straight line from A to B. The problem comes when certain groups of people have more access to these resources than others. Then the deciding factor of who lives or dies becomes money in a bank rather than the person's worth as a human being.

Suddenly natural selection is not 'natural' but rather 'socio-economic.' Whenever I think about issues of class I repeatedly come back to thinking of a friend of mine who considers herself to be middle class, yet, she is by any standard I know of, operating in the context of generational wealth. This is because those people who DO have access to these resources don't want us to KNOW they do. If we KNEW they had access to all these resources, to life when others around the world can only choose death, can you imagine what would happen to those resource saturated persons?! It would be Bastille Day all over again!! Yes, I believe it would stir some class consciousness. We wouldn't want that, now would we?

Holidays mean... amnesty in more ways than one

2005-12-30T12:09:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are CA residents, you may have been privy to the non-amnesty paid by the governator to Tookie Williams (founder of the Crips and ex-gang banger). For my opinion of that, see Dr. Rosenberg's site. This season is not for blaming however. It is for several ever elusive abstracts that society says are the noblest of pursuits - peace and forgiveness.

By all means, peace on earth!

Peace in every aspect of life! You won't find an opponent here. I've been reading one of Dr. Rosenberg's books which has caused me to rethink how I should act in my relationships. Of course, changing one's language structure doesn't happen over night. It requires practice.

This season I did practice. Much to my surprise it went over. Since then, me and my plumeria have been spending quite some quality time together, I say quality because it has been filled with good feelings.

Time off from real life gives us respite from the daily grind. Everyone knows this. It is why 'TGIF' is a restaurant name (I wonder if mormons go there - I mean, is it okay for them to go there? See the movie "Mobsters and Mormons" for a fun play on the difference between them, and... us?). And everyone also knows that respites end.

Not only is 2005 ending in the next few days, but so is my respite, so is my sweet winter break, so is my season of plumeria. Distance in time and space will separate me from all of these things (as it may for many other people who are so fortunate). I will go back to serve at the elementary school for a week, only to be confronted with the prospect of oral surgery 1.5 weeks later.

OUCH!!!

Well, the positive way to look at everything is this: Peace may not be all over the planet, but it starts with a few people. When I choose to change my words, I show the change of my heart. It is then passed on to other people. That's part one. Part two is that while distance in time and space separates me from people whom I love, as well as exciting prospects, during that space and time I will lose a lot of weight (WOOHOO!!! Liquid particle free 10-day diet!!!) and will no longer have arthritis in my jaw.

Note: Over this break I made chocolate croissants and bagels with my best friend's mother. While chocolate croissants are definitely a lot of effort, they are a real treat. Bagels, are much more doable on a regular basis. I recommend them. ;-)

Leases

2005-12-16T23:07:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I had a significant other who loved the musical Rent. Needless to say, the association caused me to have an aversion to Rent, so much so, that at one point I vowed never to see it.

I thought, it'll be one of those really depressing things. Who wants to see a musical about nearly homeless HIV positive people? That's upsetting. Well, I should have reminded myself that most musicals, with the possible exception of Westside Story, have happy endings (or at least satisfying endings in my estimation).

Well, I finally did see Rent - but not on Broadway. No, I saw Rent in the $3 cheap theater where the fabric and paint on the walls are peeling like Inuits in Fiji, and the temperature is like Alaska in late October because the place is barely maintained. In the case of this flick, it was an appropriate atmosphere and only added to the ambience.

I couldn't help appreciating the bittersweet quality of several songs which could be described as 'inspired' (though for all of them to be deemed such would be an overstatement). I particularlly like the lyrics for I Should Tell You, Seasons of Love, and Another Day. While they reflect the particular context of the play/film, they speak to everyday life. I could see the things I'm going through right now in those songs. Rather, I could feel them.

Maybe you should go see Rent, even though you associate it with the roadkill of your best friend's dog's favorite squeaky toy, it might resonate with you too.

Snap, Scratch, POP!

2005-12-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

I watched a movie today called "Bollywood/Hollywood". It wasn't what the average American viewer would expect. It's also not exactly typical Bollywood. As some might observe, there is a recent trend of hybrid films - somewhere between the two. This particular movie was actually very funny (by American standards). If you are at all familiar with Bollywood film, and have been somewhat acculturated by America, you may appreciate the hybrid attempt. After all, in this movie, the leads KISS!!! (see a scene where head turns are discussed from: American Chai).

This film caused me to feel the crassness of American pop culture (coupled with a comment made by my mother about the current radio favorite 'My Humps' and how it was a bad song). I like the Black Eyed Peas, but I don't appreciate the crudeness of their sexual references.

In the B/H movie, the daughter says 'Jesus!' The mother then admonishes her with 'Don't take the name of God in vain!' the daughter replies, 'He's not our god!' The grandmother then says 'All gods are equal.' While this is very telling about the Hindu religion, it is also very telling about the sense of Indian respect, and/or reverance.

There is something to be said about our popular disrespect for the name of our deities. There's no getting around how many times in an average day a person can hear someone saying 'Oh my God!' or 'Jesus Christ!' Perhaps it is so necessary to say it because it is so very taboo. Perhaps this is why all of our culture is disintigrating. There is no set of standards. There is no set of rules for moral behavior. I look at the characters in the movie I watched today and I can't help but wish that I too had a similar set of standards to follow. Perhaps this is the allure of Islam, because it is so easy to follow the set of rules. They are laid out for you. There is no question what you should or should not do. Morality is not subjective in such a case. While it may be safe to say that there are certain extremes that would be universally agreed upon as 'immoral,' there is still a broad range of things that may be deemed 'moral.'

What is the problem with such a society? The problem is that soon anything goes. When anything goes, the fabric that holds society together begins to buckle and tear. This is what the beloved neo-conservatives would say, and religious fundamentalists all over would agree with them. The solution is where these groups differ.

Now, I would not say I am a religious fundamentalist. I would not say I am a neo-conservative. In fact, I am far from both (as my earlier posts illustrate). Yet I can say that I do agree that a standard of morality helps to facilitate a more stable society.

Simultaneously I do not feel that we should have a set of morals imposed upon us. We do have laws, and these are supposedly determined by consensus (though with elections that are deemed fraudulent by international impartial observers, I cannot but help to question this assumption). Yet these do not govern culture. There is no clear set of cultural expectations as to morality. We do not culturally say that explicit (and often violent) sexual references, abusive language (sexual, mental, and emotional as well as physical references to abusive acts), and foul language are immoral and should not be acceptable in polite conversation. There are some words that remain offensive to certain groups if said by other groups (the 'n' word, the'b' word, the 'c' word). 'F--- you' is offensive but only within certain contexts - for example how well acquainted those involved are with one another. 'Shut up' can also be offensive under the same types of conditions - often it is more offensive if said by someone who is closer than by an unknown person.

This is bizarre.

Perhaps if I had gone to a small private Christian school for junior high and high school I would adhere more strongly to my own ideals. Such is not the case. I too, like most of my generation and younger, have a potty mouth. I admit it. Anyone who is in my age range and doesn't have a potty mouth is one of three things - a liar, sheltered, or hasn't fully assimilated into American culture. It's a sad truth. Perhaps I am just standing with one foot in the past and another in the future, holding the remaining guilt for behaving in a way that used to be considered improper.

I could philosophize as to why we chose a more cynical cultural linguistic path. I could say it aligns with the relatively new hyper-modernist trends of disenchantment black coffee drinking gritty underbelly bearing and the list could go miles.

So then does it make it right? Less offensive? Only to the desensitized. As movies like B/H remind us, the rest of the world... is sensitive.

The Sovereign Autonomous Self - Plants II

2005-12-12T18:10:00.000-07:00

Last night I got into an argument which I think was based purely on semantics, though it was never articulated thus. At the center of the argument was the issue of independence. Now, as a person deeply steeped in sociology, I would say it is IMPOSSIBLE to achieve a state of complete independence. The great philosophical giant, Hegel, would argue that indeed, every person NEEDS the other - it is through the recognition of the self by the other that the self is made real (I'm paraphrasing here when I should be exact so don't rip on me too harshly).

It was today after a less than hectic day at the school that I began stewing over the wordings used the previous evening. After all, what does it mean to be truly independent? What does it mean to be self-reliant? Autonomous? I like this definition:
au·ton·o·mous P Pronunciation Key (ô-tn-ms)
adj.

Not controlled by others or by outside forces; independent: an autonomous judiciary; an autonomous division of a corporate conglomerate.
Independent in mind or judgment; self-directed.
1. Independent of the laws of another state or government; self-governing.
2. Of or relating to a self-governing entity: an autonomous legislature.
3. Self-governing with respect to local or internal affairs: an autonomous region of a country.

(taken from an online dictionary )

So if this is to be our working definition, let's take a look how this might be achieved. No wait, it can't! To say that a person is never influenced even acutely by external forces is preposterous in this world. It is as if we were applying the standards of Mr. Walter Kronkite and saying that the current news media is fair and unbalanced. Independent. Yes, of course. Just like those movies we see on CABLE, sponsored by major motion picture companies like Warner Brothers or Universal.

It is a rare thing, independence. A silly thing to strive for, if in fact we are looking for the aforementioned absolutely autonomous kind of independence. There are always biases. I served on a jury this October in Santa Barbara. The AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION of acknowledges that EACH juror WILL HAVE BIASES particularly on GRAND juries - that is to say, they WILL be affected by external forces.

All of this said and done, our conversation was not chiefly surrounding issues of independence, and certainly not of independence on some grand political scale. No. The little debate in a small red car on the shore of the central coast was one based on those issues of individuals, which only affect society in so much as they are representative of some predominant trend or provide the inertia to begin a chain of events.

Though I cannot imagine these things occurring, they will affect the lives of those in the conversation. To what extent does one depend on another? When is it too much? When does that person combine with the other inextricably? Is such a relationship desirable? Is it not? Is it uncomfortable? Why?

Is there ever an appropriate time, a safe time, to say that you 'need' a particular person? I suppose after dehabilitating surgery, or a child fresh from the womb could safely say such things 9if they were cogent enough to articulate such thoughts, or HAVE such thoughts). But for you or I to say that we need someone... is that ok? Circumstances must dictate the course taken. I don't think it is safe to assume automatically that a person (who does not qualify under the above categories of baby or invalid) cannot or should not be dependent.

It is quite the fashion to say that we are individuals and we are independent of our families and our friends and that we don't NEED anyone. It is often expected that people should be able to fend for themselves relatively easily. While those 'strong' introverts in the audience may feel quite comfortable in this cultural standard, unfortunately more extroverted persons might feel a little differently. And if you agree with theories of birth order, then only children, who rely on friends and parents heavily might safely be damned.

Or perhaps self-reliance need not be a total thing. Perhaps it need only be present in one or two aspects of a person enough so that there is no apparent 'clinging.' Maybe that's all that is at the heart of the debate. Clinginess. I can recall several times in my life where I have been on the receiving end of 'chronic cling.' It isn't a pleasant situation if you are used to variety. Of course, there are many levels to everything, and my tolerance for cling is different from others.' For example, I may not have a problem hanging out with person A everyday for a couple of hours as long as I can hang out with person B - H at another point in time during the same day. If you feel close to someone, you naturally want to spend a good bit of time with them. Especially if they are not in the same geographical location as yourself for the majority of the year.

So what are my conclusions (at least those I deem MOST relevant)?
1) Total independence is impossible.
2) Autonomy is impossible.
3) The collective conclusions arrived at by the parties involved will have a lasting impact on said parties' directions.
4) Clinginess is the real issue.
5) Clinginess is an evaluative term and therefore will mean different things to different people and is not necessarily a helpful way to describe the discomfort of parties involved.

AND the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT CONCLUSION (drum roll):

6) I have so much more to learn about this person it is unbelieveable. They have so much more to learn about me. I don't really think we're on different sides, though it often seems we come out that way.

I still love my plumeria more than anything, and if it needs something, I will give it. I don't NEED the plant, I want it. I prefer it. I feel warm and fuzzy towards it. I won't die without it.

Negligence or Overwatering?

2005-12-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

When is your decision right? How do you know you can stand by it and live with the consequences? How much effort should you put toward an investment so it will achieve it's highest possible yield? I am thinking about gardening. Our plumeria only blossomed after three years of us doing nothing.

I still have no idea why it blossomed.

Of course, I am not just talking about gardening. I could be talking about any number of things. Gardening, is the same as love, relationships, money, education, healthcare, dancing, acting, and the list can go miles.

The problem is, it's a lot easier to make decisions about your plants than it is to make decisions about your relationships, or money, or healthcare. There is definitely a hierarchy of investments and thus of decision making processes. No doubt about it.

But, let's take for example, my plumeria. How the hell did it flower?!?! We didn't do anything differently. Yet, it did bring forth those fragrant blooms which so frequent Bath and Bodyworks Stores everywhere. On the other hand, something like my current relationship, and as much time and energy as I put into that, I still feel like it will never blossom. In fact, it might be winter and never Christmas, as far as that is concerned.

So, then, when do you pull the plug? When is it okay to give up? And when is it not okay? Well, logic would have us weigh in the pros and cons that come with a given decision. So, let's take this 'plant' for a spin along those lines.

Pros for keeping the plant - I know it. It knows me. It's forgiven me for previous wrongs. We have history. It's a good plant. It has a similar background, intelligence, humor, and artistic ability. I can see the results of my efforts come full circle. I love the plant. The plant is my best friend. I may finally begin to see some give back. After all, I've gone through all this shit, I may as well hold on, because any progress will feel amazing after this titanic effort.

Pros for ditching the plant - I am worn from a lack of communication. I get little encouragement. I have potential for new plants. I can irradicate any emotional rot. I can find another plant that is closer to me as far as place in life. I can find another plant that can tell me how they really feel.

A shortened version of December will tip the balance one way or another.

I only hope I can have a clear head and heart when I decide.

Where are the girls?!

2005-11-27T17:40:00.000-07:00

I was iming a friend about a movie I had seen recently, 13 going on 30.
He said he preferred Big - said it was the same movie but with better writing. I thought about it and realized, I didn't like Big as much simply because it was about a male. He said that would eliminate a lot of movies if I judged them based on how evenly distributed the important parts were across genders. So I decided to do a little research on 'guy' movies and 'chick' movies.

I checked a few different cast lists of various movies off the top of my head on the Internet Movie Database. It makes sense that I wouldn't like movies about guys. Movies about guys tend to have fewer female characters - and when I say fewer, I mean it is possible to have a guy movie without a plot-essential female role. From what I can find, this is not possible in a chick movie. There is always a guy essential to the plot in a chick movie. And, even if a movie is about a chick, sometimes the guy who is essential to the plot is listed before the chick. How weird is that?

What does that all say about women's place in American culture? We're second class. We don't matter that much. This of course is a fundamentally flawed stance, because, without ridiculous advances in science, we are STILL essential in order to make babies. Yet, male dominated movies still take the stage. Chicks will watch The Saint, but they won't watch Boondock Saints because of relationships in the film. One has chicks, the other doesn't. One has relationships and has a greater breadth of emotional content, the other deals primarily from the machismo palette of feeling. Even though Boondock has some cute actors, the attractiveness simply doesn't compensate for the lack of feminine.

No one wants a completely male society. No one wants a completely female society. Half and half is definitely preferred. I don't want completely male myths and stories either. I want half and half. It's more realistic. I think realism in this situation fosters a higher level of cultural psyche health. But we still have difficulty bringing about physical health in our society, so why talk about spiritual, emotional, or mental health? That's not even on the radar of the discussion.

Be Happy To Get What You Do - Questions

2005-11-25T18:38:00.000-07:00

In the past two weeks there's been so many things to write about, and yet nothing at all. It's the day after Thanksgiving - Black Friday. I don't usually go shopping, but I hadn't yet gotten anything for anyone so I decided I would wander around the malls and brave the 10 person lines for lower prices. I ended up having quite the successful spree. It's just the everyday intensified. I've been noticing that recently. Everyday is more or less the same. You have a routine, the excitement is the break in the routine.

So what is a break in the routine? What is mundane, but more so? It could be an extra bill to pay this month. It could be a birth, a wedding, a death. It could be a sober day in the middle of ten drunk ones. It could be thinking about someone else instead of thinking about yourself. Sometimes it's as small as brushing your teeth with the opposite hand... or just one hand (for those unusual ambidextrous persons).

Well, maybe those are mundane. Maybe they aren't. Maybe it's having a slight cold for weeks upon weeks while getting up and doing the same thing over and over again. That's depressing. I can't stand doing the same thing over and over again. As I watched the people shopping, flitting past me in the department stores and the warehouse discount stores, I kept thinking about them. I wondered - when will I be like these families with 2 or 3 children wandering around the store looking for the absolute lowest prices? standing in line at the toy store? driving a van or a station wagon? carting kids off to classes, clubs, and sports? working at a job where I am completely disassociated from the product of my labor?

I wonder. Can a person be content in that? Hollywood is kind enough to make movies about people rediscovering the mundane. I mean, is it ok to settle down and make a life that is less than extraordinary? Is it ok to blend into suburbia? Is there anything wrong with that? Why isn't blending in glorified? Why is it so important to be independent? Why is it so essential to stand out? Why can't connection and harmony be glorified for once? Why can't community be emphasized? Why can't getting along with your neighbors be the goal, instead of running into your house and ignoring the people who live on either side of you? or even the people who live down the block?

I can't imagine blending in. I never seem to look like all the other people I see walking down the street. It's not a conscious effort. At the same time, I'm not outrageous in my appearance. I don't wear striped stockings and dye my hair crazy colors. Does that mean I don't blend in? Or does it mean I do within a certain range?

Is it better to go out drinking with friends every weekend to forget all these things I've thought, or is it better to hide inside at night and obsess over these things? I've done it both ways. It doesn't make a difference. You end up feeling the same way in the morning.

What makes this whole thing worthwhile? What's the point of going on in this "mundane but more so" existence? I could answer that religion, or faith makes a difference. I would answer this way because it's the only thing that keeps me from falling off the edge most of the time. It's the thing that I use to answer all the difficult questions. I don't know how truthful it is, and I don't know if truth matters at this point. I'm not sure if I can always use it to answer my questions any more. Sometimes I think the only way anyone can really use it as an excuse is if they have some kind of out-of-body experience. I can see how that might change even the most mundane existence into the extraordinary. Cancer could do the same thing for other people. I'm not offering cancer as the answer to "perpetual rut," but it would put a new spin on things just because you would learn to appreciate mundane things VERY quickly.

My vote is for the out-of-body experience. Or an encounter that is inexplicable. I think that would be a lot more fun. And just think, you could never tell anyone except other people who believe in those kinds of things - because most people would think you were nuts.

Very encouraging.

I still go with the 'hallucination' over terminal illness.

.....

2005-11-19T18:29:00.000-07:00

sorry for the time off... it's just... not happening right now. i don't know when it will. give me an ounce of inspiration and maybe we'll get somewhere.

End of the World... but, I FEEL fine...

2005-11-09T21:59:00.000-07:00

My senior year in college I had a fabulous roomie from the north of France. She lives in a small village near Lille. She's cosmopolitan - she's been to Africa several times on worktrips, speaks German, English, Woloff (a Senegalese dialect) and of course French. She opened my eyes to a France I had no idea existed, which has displayed itself to the world in the past few weeks. I've read a lot about colonialization, and I've studied social movements and political unrest, but the racial and socio-economic inflamation today in France is something I cannot imagine.

Extended post hereThe stench of colonialization, racism, and religious prejudice colors the entire thing. Like the Irish conflict, or the American civil war, or the Arab-Israeli conflict, there are economic issues couched in all kinds of veneers. The only cause greater inflamation. I keep expecting another Bastille storming the way things are going, or a Rousseau to rise up as a voice for the masses. Every hundred years or so Europe gets restless - is this just another restless and thoughtless rebellion? Or is this something more? Will it turn into something more? Is there class consciousness? Is that too much to hope for? Will it spread to the Americas?

The depiction of the riots in our news is enough to make Latin America look stable, and as a student of international issues, I can't help feeling like Latin America is the only safe place to study as the bird flu is spread across the Asian continent, and political unrest is aflame across Europe (I have no real attachment to Africa, though I have heard wonderful things about the place).

As I glance around the world, with all the natural and human disasters - disease, riots, famine, hurricaines, tornadoes, earthquakes - I feel as though the world is falling apart. Every professor, indeed, every adult I have spoken with in the past 2 or 3 years has said something to the effect of 'Glad I won't be around to deal with this shit. I'll be dead!' Thanks guys, it's very encouraging.

The situation seems hopeless.

I knew a Palestinian guy and would talk to him about the situation in Israel/Palestine (I was also studying the situation in an International Politics class). It truly seemed hopeless. We hold on to the same stones so hard that we cannot see the faces across the barbed wire.

Desmond Tutu came to speak at UCSB last week. At the end of his speech he answered a few questions. The last question was something to the effect of 'What can we do to help further your work?' Contrary to his other answers, this one was quite succinct. He said 'End poverty,' and sat down.

If we could address the most extreme suffering in the world, we might be able to have something close to peace. It is not WAR that makes peace. War begets more war. 'Whoever lives by the sword dies by the sword.' I would rather beat my sword into a plowshare and feed my brothers and sisters. That is more constructive than decimating the land with bombs. Rather, if we address our brothers' and sisters' most basic needs we can decrease their level of desparation. Everyone knows it is a lot easier to talk when you have a full belly, a safe place to sleep, and clothes on your back.

If we could apply this prior knowledge... we might never see another Bastille storming again.

Top of a Portis - "It Could Be Sweet"

2005-11-06T22:04:00.000-07:00

I've rediscovered some music on my computer. Actually, I had no idea it was on my computer. Thus, like so many others, I decided to go through and take a listen. I found myself surfing on the cool croons of Portishead's Dummy album. There are a few songs on that album that resonate deep in my chest. Today, nothing is more perfect than 'It Could Be Sweet'

My father recently attended a lecture about Gen Xers in churches. The information, though applied to churches in that setting, could be applied to any and all. Gen Xers are low on the commitment scale. They are cautious when considering marriage, and are much more comfortable in a co-habitation arrangement. Gen Yers are even more so. Why is this the case? Well, as time has gone on, the family unit has become exponentially less stable. About 50% of all marriages end in divorce. And of course, when you're on your second or third marriage, you are increasing your chances of ANOTHER divorce.

Then people wonder why commitment levels are so low?! It's not just the institution of marriage that comes into question, but all institutions. Skepticism is high, and blind acceptance of established structure - extremely low. But for the purposes of my thoughts, let us stay on the marriage concept, because I am fascinated by it.

Marriage is one of the only universal institutions. Ergo, there is a major reason for the thing. As anthropologists would tell us, most institutions are created to exist in a particular cultural context - they don't move across cultures. So what is the purpose of marriage?

Well, there are a few reasons.

1) Children: Children need a stable environment. Take one look at my and my younger brother's generations and you'll see why. We're a couple of psychological messes as generations. Stability makes the difference. With two adult role models (ideally one male, one female should be present so children can learn how to interact with both sexes - though I would argue that these can be substituted by other family members and/or family friends) children learn how to act in the world.

2) Economics: It was only recently that love came into the picture. Love as a purpose for marriage, is over-rated and frankly, quite mythical. Traditionally, marriage has been seen as a merging of families. It was a way to pass on inheritances as well as an conduit for 'national' or 'communal' stability within kingdoms, fiefdoms, and the like. Economics remains a purpose for marriage. Just replay some of your mother's favorite marriage lecture - 'Oh! That family is wealthy. They own property in X country and in Y county. Their son/daughter is around your age, cute, AND single....'

3) Class maintenance: I think this deserves a separate segment, though it is definitely related to the above (However, we now have the strange class of academics who are poor yet know their silverware, and classless New Money who care not whether they expose themselves to tabloid ridicule. It is for this reason I have a separate category.).
This one is a sore subject for Americans, but it is, absolutely true. It is a BIG no-no to marry across class lines. We have some beautiful Hollywood movies telling us it is possible, but I must confess, it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY. Summa cum laudes do not marry cum laudes. It is more acceptable for like to marry like. The son of a mechanic does not often marry the daughter of a lawyer. It's just not done. Of course, beauty can help you go across class lines, and will certainly sway some parents a little, but charisma and knowledge of the use of the shrimp fork will carry you MUCH further.

3b)Cultural maintenence could be tagged in here as well - religion, ethnic custom, language...
These are all aspects that could come under these maintenence categories.

4) Love/companionship: I don't think that love is an adequate reason for marriage, especially when using the word in the 'lust' or 'attraction' sense. Long term attachment, or companionship, is a reasonable purpose in marriage if it is combined with one of the above. I say this because, although modern mythical love is 'all you need,' mythical love is just that- a myth. It is not enough to maintain a house, a family, or other practical considerations. Long-term attachment combined with the desire to raise children, class maintenence, or economic interdependence is much more practical, and much more of a stable institution.

So, what's all this talk about marriage? What does it have to do with that Portishead song? Honestly, I am a romantic at heart. I am easily swept up in the idea of that mythical love - I've been raised on it. Disney was my visual milk-bottle as a little girl. I've had my share of boyfriends. And I've gone through and thought 'yeah... I could spend my life with this one' based on the idea of mythical love. If attraction was enough to sustain a relationship, I could have been married several times over. Yet, this is not the case. I remain attached to one particular man, despite attempts to thwart this attachment (I hesitate to say, on both sides). And as life would have it, distance prevents a greater exploration of this relationship at this time. In fact, I would speculate that on his side, the commitment is light and extremely wary, because as I stated before - it was thwarted for many reasons in several instances.

I am, though a Gen Xer/Yer (1982), a product of a happy 30+ year marriage, and he is likewise. These kinds of long term commitments are becoming more rare - especially when considering our dads have been present our entire lives. I'm not saying that I'll be marrying this guy, because that would be fool-hardy. But as a product of a healthy marriage, I look longingly into the relationship landscape for a shade of real commitment in a person who I can genuinely like, with whom I can spend oodles of time and not be absolutely annoyed by the sight of them. It would help if they also knew how to fix small appliances, moderate plumbing, and basic car issues.

which waterhouse are you?

2005-11-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

Just for fun....

You are the Sorceress. You exude a sort of
mysterious sensuality and are very powerful in
your own rite. Any who love you may expect to
experience pain when you decide to fly away, or
perhaps due to your wicked streak. You may be a
loner, and care mostly to spend your time
getting what you want through conniving,
sometimes questionable means. Through it all
you still maintain beauty and nobility and can
be wonderful when you so desire.

Which Waterhouse Painting Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Daily Ground - Stress of Labor - Go read 'Christy'

2005-11-02T18:52:00.000-07:00

I've been having difficulty getting started. I've often been a late starter, for example, I was born 3 weeks after my due date, and only then because of castor oil. Fortunately for me, once I start, I get going at a decent pace. Yet, this said, I find it very difficult to do the things I need to do once I get home from "serving" at the school (where I am an Americorps volunteer reading tutor). I have discovered, I am far from being the only one- in fact, I think that EVERYONE has this problem.

My mother, my dad, and my brother (though he has less work to do often finds himself affected more strongly by that lesser amount) all have difficulty with this. I began to wonder, maybe this reflects how EVERYONE feels at the end of the day after emotionally or physically exhausting labor. Is this the stress of which experts discuss, and are subsequently quoted in pop magazine articles? Is this the kind of thing which is cited as being the fault of so many 30 and 40 somethings' heartattacks? strokes? coronaries? depression?

It feels as though society has quietly forgotten to call these things what they must be - symptoms of a failed system. I find myself increasingly wishing for a small plot of land where I can plant seeds, tend, and reap rather than facing the increasingly fast paced life of the urban. I find my 21 year old friends being indoctrinated into the path of buying things that are much too expensive which they do not need. They think this will make them happy. They work at these emotionally or physically exahusting jobs so they can make money to buy more things that they don't need, that will not make them happy. Why don't they take a slice out of the peace pilgrim's book? These jobs do not make them happy. Buying does not make them happy. Not being possessed by your possessions - that is satisfying. Having friends you love who love you back - that is satisfying. Doing something that contributes some good to your community - THAT is satisfying.

Even though Americorps is a grueling time commitment, I do it because I want to contribute to my community (It might also be because I read Christy one too many times.). I do it because I know that working with the kids, maybe, JUST maybe, I can make a difference in their lives. And that difference means the world. It also means I am poor, but at least I am doing something for the world. At least I am being the change I wish to see in the world.

I would recommend you do the same. It's a lot better than being daily ground.

"Alexis Needs"...

2005-10-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

Found this on a few different blogs...it's too great. So here is my name a la Google:

Alexis needs...
...to stop drawing on herself.
...a stable home with lots of patience and understanding.
...to be clued in on the new perspective.
...care.
...lots of bed rest.
...to pull the burr out of her rear and deal with reality before
someone knocks her off, which couldnt be soon enough!
...to kick him to the curb once and for all and come roaring back.
...right now.
...a little bit of madness.
...video viewing pleasure.
...help getting the helium to the union from
collins at around 3pm
...just 195 yards to become only
the 10th Husky to reach 2,000 for his career.
...prayers.

The Lunatic Project

2005-10-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

More and more I feel like I express opinions which are held by few people, if any other people hold them at all. In America, we glorify the individual and stress the importance of that person's uniqueness thereby cutting the person off from the herd. It is a stripping experience. One that destroys solidarity, and makes more it ever so difficult to fulfill an individual's need of belonging.

I was sitting in a cafe owned by a large church in Santa Barbara drinking a dark chocolate mocha when I made the connection. Sitting there at a table for two people, my canvas bag the occupant of the opposing chair, I read the much acclaimed book by George Orwell 1984. I was just getting to the part where the protagonist, Winston, has entered the antique shop for the second time- this time having purchased an old paper weight (some coral centered in clear glass). He makes a comment about renting the upstairs room from the owner of the shop because it has so many beautiful old things from a bygone era - things from when there were capitalists. He says it would be a lunatic project because he is likely to be caught.

In a world where there are police and small children watching your every eyebrow movement, the smallest out of line thought can be an act of rebellion. You must be crazy if you don't believe the same things everyone else does, either that, or you are the only sane one. One recalls the movie 12 Monkeys. It's like seeing rainbows around lights.

Or what about Joan of Arc? Was she crazy? Or did she see something that no one else was able to see? Now a days we categorize people who express radically different views as either crazy, or heretical thereby destroying any shred of credibility. Yet, if we take a moment to consider this 'heretical' viewpoint, we are often able to see a kernel of truth. We are able to see enough that our own views are called into question. Is this the real reason why we must label these people as crazy or heretical? Are we so weak we cannot allow there to be any opposition on an issue that might uproot our present circumstance?

There are so many opinions, so many thoughts that are generated, in this time they seem to jumble and melt together. Is there harm in a perspective becoming a counterpoint? How can we know our majority opinions are right unless we have something drastically different to challenge us? If we are not challenged, won't we atrophy? Won't that lead to a kind of destruction?

It is through the edges that we find our center. I am not calling for the kind of violent extremism that has come under such scrutiny as of late, but a dialogue. There must be room along the edges for the counterpoint. We must encounter people with such views, and we must understand them. It is not just for the sanctity of the individual, and their need to belong, but also for the health of the whole community.

It has been said that the true sign of intelligence is the ability to hold two diametrically opposed ideas in one's head, and not go crazy. It is also a sign of true wisdom, when a community can hold two diametrically opposed persons, and everything in between, and not rip itself apart.

I am an independent thinker, but I never want to be in the shoes of Winston.

"I hate my sister...she's such a b*?%$"

2005-10-27T20:25:00.000-07:00

First, I don't have a sister. Still, I have to answer to all the other women in the world, just as each of us has to answer back to the rest. It's funny how an individual can stand for all possible representations of a given group - whether that group is determined by race, culture, sexuality, gender or some other random characteristic. To make matters worse, the number of people who determine a particular archetype of a group is often absurdly small.

Who in their right mind believes that one group can be represented by a given shape or 'package'? That's silliness. As if every Asian was the same, or every European...or every amputee or every great aunt with red hair could be represented equally and without issue by another person who might exhibit the given characteristic?! You might ask why I should be making such a complaint.

I, like so many before me, was once a victim of catalogue shopping. I am not talking about online shopping - that would involve a different set of issues. No, this is pure unadulterated catalogue shopping being discussed here. As a testament to my now cured addiction (cured through the drying up of funds and wizening of mind) I continue to receive catalogues from this bygone era. Considering that I am a rather young person (still in my early 20s) these catalogues reflect an even younger demographic. As I was purusing one such offending tree killing catalogue, I began to notice the striking similarity of the blonde models to many of the young women - or I should say, GIRLS - who live in my locale, the at once both lovely and terrifying city of Santa Barbara CA.

I am a brunette. I have always been a brunette (despite any hair dying episodes in my younger days), and I will probably always think of myself as a brunette. I do not have blue eyes. They are more hazel or honey than straight brown or green. I have always taken offense to the bombardment of blonde blue-eyed Scandanavian wonders that plaster these catalogues and accost my psyche every time I turn the page.

Yet, much has been written on the issue of self-image, and I imagine more will continue to until there is some great depression/technology is ripped out from under us (thereby destroying the lovely business of 'advertising' also known as 'the emptiness business'). It is for this reason that I will try and stay away from the traditional self-image format and go a slightly different angle.

I realized something. It was a beautiful thing when I realized it. These alien people in these catalogues and magazines (though magazines increasingly are becoming catalogues) are not women. They are in fact, girls. They do not have the figure of a woman. Unfortunately for many of them, they will NEVER have a woman's figure. Half of them might never be able to bear children. If there was a famine, they would be the first to die because their percentage of body fat is so ridiculously small that they would not be able to support living very long under severe conditions (which trust me people, is not very far off the way the 1st world consumes resources).

The women who are famous, or just over-eager soccer moms, who are trying to look like 14 yr olds have serious issues. Let's not get into eating disorders (which are prevalent enough). Rather, let's talk about the bizarre idea that 40 yr olds are being held to the same body standards of 14 yr olds, and are BUYING IT!!! This is not to say that the old white men (because they are, all, O-L-D W-H-I-T-E M-E-N) who came up with this RIDICULOUS vision aren't perverts - WHO OVER THE AGE OF 16 THINKS A 14 YR OLD IS HOT?????? There is obviously something wrong with the old white men who think this is hot. Why aren't they seeing a psychiatrist for this problem? And WHY did they decide their fetishes need to be forced onto us?!?!?

Oh wait... they've been doing that to us for the length of the historical record.

Talk about civilization.

There is nothing wrong with an Anglo woman having the body of a 1940's pin-up. Frankly, I think that is optimal. After all, who can honestly say that 1940's pin-ups aren't absolutely beautiful? AND TOTALLY NATURALLY WOMEN?! The pictures above are a few of these more reasonable body types (though certainly not accessible to ALL women).

Hope this was as helpful a release of tension for someone else as it was for me.

Rainbow-ed Vision

2005-10-26T22:45:00.000-07:00

I went to the eye doctor today to see about new glasses and contacts. I have more recently (i.e. within the last year or so) discovered that I see rainbows around lights - street lampst, the moon etc. I thought, maybe I just had super acute vision or noticed something that other people didn't see.

When I asked a few people about it, they noted that either they could see it a little bit (maybe it was because of contacts or glasses?) or they couldn't see one at all. This was somewhat upsetting. So, I decided I would ask the lovely blonde eye doctor what the deal was (since one of the questions on the paperwork at the office involved seeing rainbows or halos). At first, she said it wasn't a big deal. When I pressed her on it, she admitted it was indicative of an uncorrected astigmatism.

Bummer.

It was an instant moment of disenchantment.

Then I thought it over. Isn't it funny, when something is 'wrong' with your vision, you GET to consistently see something beautiful like a rainbow? It reminded me of one of my drawing professors mentioning her dislike of glasses. Though, in general I did not remember her fondly, I do remember this comment because I didn't really understand it, and still don't completely - though because of my rainbows, I can identify. She said, 'I had my eyes checked and the doc said I had an astigmatism. When I got the glasses to correct it, it made everything slanted. Everything was weird looking. I didn't like it...so I never wear them. It just made me feel funny.'

After all, if there was something 'wrong' with you that let you see rainbows, would you correct it?

The Lightening Bolt and The Heart

2005-10-23T21:31:00.000-07:00

Bottom's up! It's a brand new week and therefore a brand new plague of problems and enriching moments. There were so many things that happened in the weekend- things which sparked so many different directions of thought I can't begin to express them all. For sanctity of mind, let me address only a few.

It is tiresome, the on-going lies. How does anyone get through the day any more? Then it strikes me. A bolt of lightening, just as the singer of 'Crazy Faith' says, and it hits me twice.

Everyone has their own message to share with the world. It is a thing that the soul knows, deep in the bowels of forgotten memories it resides. It is so primitive it associates more with the lizard brain than with the frontal lobe. It reverberates through the chest and pushes out each breath. It is that kind of message. As my father was so kind to bring up my message this morning to a small community in Goleta, I am stimulated to share it in a more public way.

I might be considered an 'emotional person.' This is not to imply that I am weak, or more estro-centric (though I would contend I have ridiculously high levels of that beloved hormone), but merely that I feel deeply. As a society, as a culture, Americans do not give importance to feelings. Our words center on actions and states of being rather than feeling and experience. These things placed aside, I could not hide from my feelings, they would have eaten me from the inside out.

When I began to truly embrace my empathy it lead me directly to a place of sadness. I saw the way the world was and I wept. It made me so depressed, I could not read the newspaper except for the horoscopes and comics. I could not listen to talk or news radio. Anything serious, anything bloody, gruesome, cruel or evil...it was too much for me to bare. It made me hurt so much that I physically ached with the emotional pain. I would have remained this way had I not been sent on a mission trip the summer of 2002.

I had not considered myself a radical before that mission trip. At best, I found myself slightly annoyed, and at worst - downright apathetic. Yet something that summer worked in me. It was as if a catalyst had been thrown into the elixer of me and had stirred some passion into a previously depressed goo. I was able to see, in Central America (Nicaragua and Panama in particular) the effects of my government on other people. I was able to see the scars of war in the land, and in the psyche of the people. I was able to see the danger of nationalism, and of worshipping the idols of political parties. I was able to see how little freedom Americans really had, and how much liberty and joy comes with a lack of things. I was able to see the ties that bring us together across language, culture, socioeconomic, educational, and geographical barriers. It was after this trip that my feeling changed. Instead of being permanently marked by sadness, I became marked by anger.

NOTE: The difference between people who are politically active and people who are not is this: sadness versus anger, respectively. It is no more and no less than this simple difference. Depression forces a person inward and away from action. It slows a person down. Anger is directed outward and motivates a person towards action. It 'revs' up your internal engine, if you will. Though both these emotions are related, and stimulated by the same external variable (the tsunami in Indonesia, or the genocide in Darfur for example) they yield differing results.

My anger radicalized me. It is not a permanent anger. It is an anger that is brought out by actions that reverse our direction as people. My anger stems from war, from children not getting enough attention and tenderness from their parents, from not enough food, from poor distribution of resources, and from the increasing consolidation of power in the hands of a few.

So if anger's not permanent, what else fills that emotional depth? Remember the bolt? Well if you've never listened to 'Crazy Faith' then you don't know that the bolt is love. That is it. It's not some weird psycho-babble or strange freedom fighting slogan (though it may be the most powerful one in existence). Love is the base. Love is my message, the thing that resounds in my head, in my step and my hands. Though I sometimes get caught up in the petty things that bog down the spirit, I always come back to my root. It allows me to forgive people who I may otherwise not have been able to forgive (more on that later). It also allows me to be forgiven. It allows me to serve and be served by my loved ones. It gives me the ability to access overwhelming joy and unfathomable peace. It brings me back to center.

This is not some far out thing, but it might be the most awesome (and I mean this in the classical sense of the word, not the slang) the MOST AWESOME power anywhere. It is love - empathy - compassion (whatever word you want to use) that democratized INdia through Ghandi and his movement. It is love that motivated Martin Luther King, Steven Biko, Nelson Mandela, Oscar Romero, Mother Theresa, and so many others. It is love that brings peace to each individual, and it is shared love that brings peace to fruition in this world. This is the new covenant, and indeed the only covenant that ever existed - that ever really mattered.

It's easy to forget to live it, but it's not easy to forget it when you see it. Love's mark is more permanent than hatred or apathy. It's grace can save millions. It changed my life.

When I opened my heart...really opened it... I started living differently. I chose different occupations based on love for people. A person's priorities can be judged by where his or her resources(time, money, materials) are spent. I changed my priorities, and so I changed how I lived my life. Right now I am an Americorps volunteer at an elementary school. This takes the majority of my week, with sometimes more than 50 hours spent volunteering. I am also a youth pastor at the church where my father is the senior pastor. This takes up approximately 10-20 hours of my weekend time. They are not high paying positions, as you might imagine. This is the path I have chosen and will continue to choose because of love. This is easy for me to say, perhaps because I am young and have no dependents, no spouse. Some might say it is fine for someone in my position to do these things, but a fool's errand to ask this of someone in a different stage of life.

Love can work in any stage of life, any situation, if you let it. A path is cleared once you have opened your heart. You will know where you need to go, what you need to do - and most importantly, you will feel the whole way.

A baby new from the lips

2005-10-20T17:36:00.000-07:00

Just because Socialist isn't defined here doesn't mean that 'Emergent/Postmodern' can't be:

You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.

water color washes

2005-10-20T17:29:00.000-07:00

And here is the second set of test results:

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern.

Emergent/Postmodern

86%

Classical Liberal

61%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

57%

Modern Liberal

54%

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

54%

Neo orthodox

46%

Reformed Evangelical

25%

Roman Catholic

18%

Fundamentalist

11%

What's your theological worldview?
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2005-10-20T17:24:00.000-07:00

I decided I would let everyone in on a "well-kept secret." After seeing a few fun quizes on my dad's blog, I decided I would take the same tests and see where I came out on them. Below is the first:

You are a
Social Liberal
(70% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(1% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Socialist

Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test