a poem

This is a poem that I wrote this morning as my dad prayed (click 'expand post').

What Really Happened

I divorced myself from you
Quit going daily, weekly
Quit waking up and being there.

The commitment I made
When I crossed the heart's threshold,
Life water

What prevents us from reconciling the pieces of this broken house?
Me?
But where have you been?
Hiding.
Waiting inbetween the lines?

I'm not strong enough to look there.

Crawling out of the corners of my eyes,
I still hope for your return.

Affirmative.

I recently picked up a book that had been recommended to me by my Americorps supervisor. I'm not much for self help books. When I was younger and much more guilible, I purchased one or two because, well, I thought they would do something amazing for me. They didn't. In fact, they ended up becoming an expensive doorstop. The Success Principles is, however, different. Rather than being a doorstop, it is a catalyst for change.

Extended post hereLike I said before, I'm not much for self-help books. This book sat on my bedroom floor for several weeks before I finally decided I should pick it up. It was on loan from my sup because she said I could get Americorps hours for reading it (if it works, it helps you to perform better, in theory). Seeing as my sup was getting antsy for her book back, I decided I would read it so that I might return it. I am usually a fast reader. However, with this book I find myself re-reading lines, paragraphs and sometimes whole pages. Infrequently, I even read a page out loud to myself. Needless to say I am less than half-way through. I am also no longer reading the book. No, I am still reading The Success Principles, I mean to say I am reading a different copy - my own. I got my own copy because I want to be able to refer back to concepts, and to underline things I want to find quickly.

How has this book made such a strong impact on me? The book is about getting what you want by acting like you already have it. The reason this works is because the brain expects it. When the brain expects something, it finds ways to help make it happen. Because, in this world, when you expect something to happen, it does. Sweet.

p.s. Even several weeks after I began writing this post, I am still reading this book. The most difficult part, implementing the principles. I guess once you begin it becomes easier and easier as you build up your life changing momentum. I imagine I'll keep you posted on those.

Remember Purpose

It is easy to forget. Sometimes I forget my motivation. Sometimes I forget the papers I need. Sometimes I forget what information is due what time to which person. Sometimes I forget why I began walking this way for this year.

Then I see them. They are full of life, and so much promise. I see them and the walls that the world forces upon them. I see the results of their broken families, of learning differences, of a native language other than English and I see their struggle.

There is only one reason why I do this, why I focus my life the way I do. If I can change fate, if I can stack the deck the opposite direction, if I can plant a mustard seed, I will have accomplished what I set out to do. Their struggle will not disappear from my actions, this is true. Even still, the bonds we make, and the time I give to them to nourish these plants that grow out of twisted cement cracks, is enough. One will become a tree.

I don’t do this to see numbers. Numbers do not measure my success. They are not helpful and do not show the real fruit of this labor. A child breaking out of their shell, beginning to answer questions in class, volunteering to read, this is my success. One is enough. Yet how do I know I reached even one? I know because of the smiles I get as I pass. I know because of the waves I get as I walk. I know because of the explosion of excitement that happens when I walk into a classroom. “Can I read with you?” “Can you help me?” “Where were you?” “Hey! Guess what?!”

Even when I am tired, even when I am upset, when I see them, when I know their need, my tiredness disappears for that moment. We are there. It doesn’t matter how long it takes to explain. I explain seven times, eight, twenty. I listen to their problems, to the walls they cannot break through, when no one else can listen. Someone cares for them. Someone loves them just because, and they know they are a gift. They see their worth.

That is the moment that makes it all worth it. That is the moment when it comes full circle. I remember.

I'm 23 - Give Me An Extra Large Bowl

Ben Roethlisberger, Jerome Bettis, Hines Ward, Willie Parker... I love you all. In case you can't tell, I'm a Steelers fan. It's hard being a Steelers fan in Santa Barbara CA where no one knows what Iron City tastes like, or Yingling, or who Mellon or Frick or Carnegie were. It's hard when you're celebrating a holiday that no one else is celebrating. We went to a superbowl party, like so many people do, but, they were mostly rooting for the Steelers because my dad is a huge Steelers fan. They didn't want to be on his bad side.

I do have to make a shout out to the second youngest quarterback ever to play in the bowl. Yes, Big Ben. Damn it feels good to be 23. I couldn't have agreed with that statement last month, or even most of last week. But sometimes you wake up in the morning and everything is just a bit brighter. The flowers are a hue more vibrant, the weather is perfect (even if it's whiteout conditions), and even the snotty salesclerk is positively endearing. No, it's not because of a beautiful win (although in Big Ben's case it might be *grin*). No, for me it was more about having a normal looking face and flirting with the clerk behind the counter at Blenders In The Grass (actually, he was the supervisor, and his name was also Ben...). It was also going with my friend downtown to get his WW2 Japanese Katana appraised...and then walking around with it. It was eating grits with butter and cheese. I say these things, not to make the XL win less meaningful, because, in the careers of the Steelers, it means a lot. I say this because for the average non-NFL playing person, it is all about the grits with butter, the vibrant flower, a child's laugh, the arms of a lover.

You did notice, Ben is still single. Yowzah.

Yes, 1982 was a good year, for wine, and for people (from my first hand experience). According to the Chinese Zodiac, exactly 24 years from when I was born, this will be a lucky year for all of us born in 1982, or even 12 years later or 12 years before. I just thought I would put in a positive note, because frankly, you know it's going to be a good year, when your team wins the Lombardi Trophy.