Holidays mean... amnesty in more ways than one

For those of you who are CA residents, you may have been privy to the non-amnesty paid by the governator to Tookie Williams (founder of the Crips and ex-gang banger). For my opinion of that, see Dr. Rosenberg's site. This season is not for blaming however. It is for several ever elusive abstracts that society says are the noblest of pursuits - peace and forgiveness.

By all means, peace on earth!

Peace in every aspect of life! You won't find an opponent here. I've been reading one of Dr. Rosenberg's books which has caused me to rethink how I should act in my relationships. Of course, changing one's language structure doesn't happen over night. It requires practice.

This season I did practice. Much to my surprise it went over. Since then, me and my plumeria have been spending quite some quality time together, I say quality because it has been filled with good feelings.

Time off from real life gives us respite from the daily grind. Everyone knows this. It is why 'TGIF' is a restaurant name (I wonder if mormons go there - I mean, is it okay for them to go there? See the movie "Mobsters and Mormons" for a fun play on the difference between them, and... us?). And everyone also knows that respites end.

Not only is 2005 ending in the next few days, but so is my respite, so is my sweet winter break, so is my season of plumeria. Distance in time and space will separate me from all of these things (as it may for many other people who are so fortunate). I will go back to serve at the elementary school for a week, only to be confronted with the prospect of oral surgery 1.5 weeks later.

OUCH!!!

Well, the positive way to look at everything is this: Peace may not be all over the planet, but it starts with a few people. When I choose to change my words, I show the change of my heart. It is then passed on to other people. That's part one. Part two is that while distance in time and space separates me from people whom I love, as well as exciting prospects, during that space and time I will lose a lot of weight (WOOHOO!!! Liquid particle free 10-day diet!!!) and will no longer have arthritis in my jaw.

Note: Over this break I made chocolate croissants and bagels with my best friend's mother. While chocolate croissants are definitely a lot of effort, they are a real treat. Bagels, are much more doable on a regular basis. I recommend them. ;-)

Leases

Once upon a time I had a significant other who loved the musical Rent. Needless to say, the association caused me to have an aversion to Rent, so much so, that at one point I vowed never to see it.

I thought, it'll be one of those really depressing things. Who wants to see a musical about nearly homeless HIV positive people? That's upsetting. Well, I should have reminded myself that most musicals, with the possible exception of Westside Story, have happy endings (or at least satisfying endings in my estimation).

Well, I finally did see Rent - but not on Broadway. No, I saw Rent in the $3 cheap theater where the fabric and paint on the walls are peeling like Inuits in Fiji, and the temperature is like Alaska in late October because the place is barely maintained. In the case of this flick, it was an appropriate atmosphere and only added to the ambience.

I couldn't help appreciating the bittersweet quality of several songs which could be described as 'inspired' (though for all of them to be deemed such would be an overstatement). I particularlly like the lyrics for I Should Tell You, Seasons of Love, and Another Day. While they reflect the particular context of the play/film, they speak to everyday life. I could see the things I'm going through right now in those songs. Rather, I could feel them.

Maybe you should go see Rent, even though you associate it with the roadkill of your best friend's dog's favorite squeaky toy, it might resonate with you too.

Snap, Scratch, POP!

I watched a movie today called "Bollywood/Hollywood". It wasn't what the average American viewer would expect. It's also not exactly typical Bollywood. As some might observe, there is a recent trend of hybrid films - somewhere between the two. This particular movie was actually very funny (by American standards). If you are at all familiar with Bollywood film, and have been somewhat acculturated by America, you may appreciate the hybrid attempt. After all, in this movie, the leads KISS!!! (see a scene where head turns are discussed from: American Chai).

This film caused me to feel the crassness of American pop culture (coupled with a comment made by my mother about the current radio favorite 'My Humps' and how it was a bad song). I like the Black Eyed Peas, but I don't appreciate the crudeness of their sexual references.

In the B/H movie, the daughter says 'Jesus!' The mother then admonishes her with 'Don't take the name of God in vain!' the daughter replies, 'He's not our god!' The grandmother then says 'All gods are equal.' While this is very telling about the Hindu religion, it is also very telling about the sense of Indian respect, and/or reverance.

There is something to be said about our popular disrespect for the name of our deities. There's no getting around how many times in an average day a person can hear someone saying 'Oh my God!' or 'Jesus Christ!' Perhaps it is so necessary to say it because it is so very taboo. Perhaps this is why all of our culture is disintigrating. There is no set of standards. There is no set of rules for moral behavior. I look at the characters in the movie I watched today and I can't help but wish that I too had a similar set of standards to follow. Perhaps this is the allure of Islam, because it is so easy to follow the set of rules. They are laid out for you. There is no question what you should or should not do. Morality is not subjective in such a case. While it may be safe to say that there are certain extremes that would be universally agreed upon as 'immoral,' there is still a broad range of things that may be deemed 'moral.'

What is the problem with such a society? The problem is that soon anything goes. When anything goes, the fabric that holds society together begins to buckle and tear. This is what the beloved neo-conservatives would say, and religious fundamentalists all over would agree with them. The solution is where these groups differ.

Now, I would not say I am a religious fundamentalist. I would not say I am a neo-conservative. In fact, I am far from both (as my earlier posts illustrate). Yet I can say that I do agree that a standard of morality helps to facilitate a more stable society.

Simultaneously I do not feel that we should have a set of morals imposed upon us. We do have laws, and these are supposedly determined by consensus (though with elections that are deemed fraudulent by international impartial observers, I cannot but help to question this assumption). Yet these do not govern culture. There is no clear set of cultural expectations as to morality. We do not culturally say that explicit (and often violent) sexual references, abusive language (sexual, mental, and emotional as well as physical references to abusive acts), and foul language are immoral and should not be acceptable in polite conversation. There are some words that remain offensive to certain groups if said by other groups (the 'n' word, the'b' word, the 'c' word). 'F--- you' is offensive but only within certain contexts - for example how well acquainted those involved are with one another. 'Shut up' can also be offensive under the same types of conditions - often it is more offensive if said by someone who is closer than by an unknown person.

This is bizarre.

Perhaps if I had gone to a small private Christian school for junior high and high school I would adhere more strongly to my own ideals. Such is not the case. I too, like most of my generation and younger, have a potty mouth. I admit it. Anyone who is in my age range and doesn't have a potty mouth is one of three things - a liar, sheltered, or hasn't fully assimilated into American culture. It's a sad truth. Perhaps I am just standing with one foot in the past and another in the future, holding the remaining guilt for behaving in a way that used to be considered improper.

I could philosophize as to why we chose a more cynical cultural linguistic path. I could say it aligns with the relatively new hyper-modernist trends of disenchantment black coffee drinking gritty underbelly bearing and the list could go miles.

So then does it make it right? Less offensive? Only to the desensitized. As movies like B/H remind us, the rest of the world... is sensitive.

The Sovereign Autonomous Self - Plants II

Last night I got into an argument which I think was based purely on semantics, though it was never articulated thus. At the center of the argument was the issue of independence. Now, as a person deeply steeped in sociology, I would say it is IMPOSSIBLE to achieve a state of complete independence. The great philosophical giant, Hegel, would argue that indeed, every person NEEDS the other - it is through the recognition of the self by the other that the self is made real (I'm paraphrasing here when I should be exact so don't rip on me too harshly).

It was today after a less than hectic day at the school that I began stewing over the wordings used the previous evening. After all, what does it mean to be truly independent? What does it mean to be self-reliant? Autonomous? I like this definition:
au·ton·o·mous ( P ) Pronunciation Key (ô-tn-ms)
adj.

1. Not controlled by others or by outside forces; independent: an autonomous judiciary; an autonomous division of a corporate conglomerate.
2. Independent in mind or judgment; self-directed.
3. 1. Independent of the laws of another state or government; self-governing.
   2. Of or relating to a self-governing entity: an autonomous legislature.
   3. Self-governing with respect to local or internal affairs: an autonomous region of a country.

(taken from an online dictionary )

So if this is to be our working definition, let's take a look how this might be achieved. No wait, it can't! To say that a person is never influenced even acutely by external forces is preposterous in this world. It is as if we were applying the standards of Mr. Walter Kronkite and saying that the current news media is fair and unbalanced. Independent. Yes, of course. Just like those movies we see on CABLE, sponsored by major motion picture companies like Warner Brothers or Universal.

It is a rare thing, independence. A silly thing to strive for, if in fact we are looking for the aforementioned absolutely autonomous kind of independence. There are always biases. I served on a jury this October in Santa Barbara. The AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION of acknowledges that EACH juror WILL HAVE BIASES particularly on GRAND juries - that is to say, they WILL be affected by external forces.

All of this said and done, our conversation was not chiefly surrounding issues of independence, and certainly not of independence on some grand political scale. No. The little debate in a small red car on the shore of the central coast was one based on those issues of individuals, which only affect society in so much as they are representative of some predominant trend or provide the inertia to begin a chain of events.

Though I cannot imagine these things occurring, they will affect the lives of those in the conversation. To what extent does one depend on another? When is it too much? When does that person combine with the other inextricably? Is such a relationship desirable? Is it not? Is it uncomfortable? Why?

Is there ever an appropriate time, a safe time, to say that you 'need' a particular person? I suppose after dehabilitating surgery, or a child fresh from the womb could safely say such things 9if they were cogent enough to articulate such thoughts, or HAVE such thoughts). But for you or I to say that we need someone... is that ok? Circumstances must dictate the course taken. I don't think it is safe to assume automatically that a person (who does not qualify under the above categories of baby or invalid) cannot or should not be dependent.

It is quite the fashion to say that we are individuals and we are independent of our families and our friends and that we don't NEED anyone. It is often expected that people should be able to fend for themselves relatively easily. While those 'strong' introverts in the audience may feel quite comfortable in this cultural standard, unfortunately more extroverted persons might feel a little differently. And if you agree with theories of birth order, then only children, who rely on friends and parents heavily might safely be damned.

Or perhaps self-reliance need not be a total thing. Perhaps it need only be present in one or two aspects of a person enough so that there is no apparent 'clinging.' Maybe that's all that is at the heart of the debate. Clinginess. I can recall several times in my life where I have been on the receiving end of 'chronic cling.' It isn't a pleasant situation if you are used to variety. Of course, there are many levels to everything, and my tolerance for cling is different from others.' For example, I may not have a problem hanging out with person A everyday for a couple of hours as long as I can hang out with person B - H at another point in time during the same day. If you feel close to someone, you naturally want to spend a good bit of time with them. Especially if they are not in the same geographical location as yourself for the majority of the year.

So what are my conclusions (at least those I deem MOST relevant)?
1) Total independence is impossible.
2) Autonomy is impossible.
3) The collective conclusions arrived at by the parties involved will have a lasting impact on said parties' directions.
4) Clinginess is the real issue.
5) Clinginess is an evaluative term and therefore will mean different things to different people and is not necessarily a helpful way to describe the discomfort of parties involved.

AND the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT CONCLUSION (drum roll):

6) I have so much more to learn about this person it is unbelieveable. They have so much more to learn about me. I don't really think we're on different sides, though it often seems we come out that way.

I still love my plumeria more than anything, and if it needs something, I will give it. I don't NEED the plant, I want it. I prefer it. I feel warm and fuzzy towards it. I won't die without it.

Negligence or Overwatering?

When is your decision right? How do you know you can stand by it and live with the consequences? How much effort should you put toward an investment so it will achieve it's highest possible yield? I am thinking about gardening. Our plumeria only blossomed after three years of us doing nothing.

I still have no idea why it blossomed.

Of course, I am not just talking about gardening. I could be talking about any number of things. Gardening, is the same as love, relationships, money, education, healthcare, dancing, acting, and the list can go miles.

The problem is, it's a lot easier to make decisions about your plants than it is to make decisions about your relationships, or money, or healthcare. There is definitely a hierarchy of investments and thus of decision making processes. No doubt about it.

But, let's take for example, my plumeria. How the hell did it flower?!?! We didn't do anything differently. Yet, it did bring forth those fragrant blooms which so frequent Bath and Bodyworks Stores everywhere. On the other hand, something like my current relationship, and as much time and energy as I put into that, I still feel like it will never blossom. In fact, it might be winter and never Christmas, as far as that is concerned.

So, then, when do you pull the plug? When is it okay to give up? And when is it not okay? Well, logic would have us weigh in the pros and cons that come with a given decision. So, let's take this 'plant' for a spin along those lines.

Pros for keeping the plant - I know it. It knows me. It's forgiven me for previous wrongs. We have history. It's a good plant. It has a similar background, intelligence, humor, and artistic ability. I can see the results of my efforts come full circle. I love the plant. The plant is my best friend. I may finally begin to see some give back. After all, I've gone through all this shit, I may as well hold on, because any progress will feel amazing after this titanic effort.

Pros for ditching the plant - I am worn from a lack of communication. I get little encouragement. I have potential for new plants. I can irradicate any emotional rot. I can find another plant that is closer to me as far as place in life. I can find another plant that can tell me how they really feel.

A shortened version of December will tip the balance one way or another.

I only hope I can have a clear head and heart when I decide.