This includes myself. I hold grudges. For whatever reason, I can't seem to get over the stupid things. I hold them, and hold them, analyze and re-evaluate. But for whatever reason, once it's formed, or once there has been significant tension, it stays. That's right - the folder has been made, flagged, and filed. Permanently.
Think about it like this: compare relationships to driving. Unless the person involved changes drastically, through some large action is able to erase their previous record, like the DMV points system, their record is marked. Insurance costs rise - it takes more effort to maintain the relationship. That's when people try to bend the rules by putting cars in someone else's name to avoid the high costs, or buy a smaller vehicle, or forget insurance altogether. After all, the other person is responsible, right? They burned THEIR bridges. It's not ME. I'm NOT the one at fault. HA! But have you seen the way people have been driving their relationships? "Let me get into my giant gas-guzzling monstrosity and NOT use my blinker, NOT look either direction, CUT you off, SPEED, RUN lights, AND apply make-up all while talking on my cell phone." Yeah, we're maintaining our relationships well. Stupid grudges.
Why do I mention this? For a few reasons. One is that the popular site Facebook has gotten me to review these grudges in a more upsetting way than ever before. That is, you can reinvigorate your grudges by creating a profile and becoming friends with the people you liked from elementary school, your work, college, or geography, and exclude the nasties (from similar spheres and times). So, old wounds are revitalized. I get this gnawing feeling in my gut when I look at some people's pages, because, even though the event is years past, it's still incredibly real and present to me (maybe even worse) for the simple fact that closure never occurred. There was no recognition of the feelings involved. There was no end, no completion, no finish. And so any time I hear about these people, their lives, etc., I carry it around with me.
Now, there's no question this is by far the STUPIDEST thing a person can do. Why wallow in events that occurred years and years ago? Why does it matter who got married to whom, where they moved to, who broke up with whom, who has kids, how many pirates are under their control etc? It doesn't. Practically, these people are figments of my electronic imagination. Their worlds are only as real as the images created and shown on this silly machine.
The thing is, I hate conflict. I talk big. People who know me know I like to say inflammatory things and push the envelop when it comes to other people's lives. The reality is I hate fights. I hate bringing up things that cause tension unless I know I can weather through the argument without any wounds on either side. I've made situations worse because I could not bring myself to address issues and so I avoided people and situations that would give rise to those issues.
Now I wonder if people would really cause the problems I think they would cause. Am I right to exclude people from my life completely because they make me a little uncomfortable? Should I break down a grudge (if it's reciprocal or onesided, mine or the other person's) because it heals 2 or 3 people, even if it causes discomfort for a large group?
It came to my attention this past weekend that sometimes it doesn't matter what we do, what we say, or how we approach a situation. I don't like that idea. I've fought against that idea, like so many young people, for as long as I knew the idea was there. Problems are there to be fixed, and there has to be something in my control that I can change to rectify the situation. Unfortunately, most of the time we just have to give in to God and let fate, the Universe, and the Powers take the courses meant to be taken. *Resignation.* Sort of.
We do what we can. So I wrote letters. I message walls. I give gifts. I smile encouragingly. I try to get past the awkward situations I and others created and heal what is left. That's all I can do. And I hope that others are willing to do the same.
love, blessings, and peace.
A
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