God Hit Me Over the Head With a Guitar.

It seems like this is all one big test. I was thinking about it this morning lying in bed with our little black fan moving the hot bedroom air out (hopefully providing some relief from 90 + temperatures). I don't know if you've seen that show, Joan of Arcadia, but I feel a bit like Joan. Basically I'm coasting from one set of instructions to another, however it seems to be revealed. Some people might think I'm crazy (Bill Mahr for one) but it's only because they don't understand.

You see, my spiritual journey started rather young. When my mother was in her third trimester pregnant with me, she was ordained. By the age of four I was standing on dining room chairs "preaching to my people." By 7 I felt like I could "hug" God, and I started having conversations with, or monologues to God. Sometimes I addressed Jesus. I think it was more depending on how I felt at the time. I was baptized when I was 9, on Palm Sunday. I would have been baptized at 7 if I could have, but my father didn't think I was ready.

During junior high and high school I tried very hard to distance myself from the church, which is what led me to Bard College, the overall spiritually darkest time of my short life. There was a generally hopelessness on campus. For those people who have high EQs, it is toxic. Some places retain the emotional content of things that occurred in that location. It was like this at Bard. You could feel all the lost and tortured people - one of the dorms had been an insane asylum, another had terrible suicide stories associated with it. The woods were associated with rapists and murderers (or so the stories went). But even before I heard the stories, it felt dark. It felt oppressive. There were times there where it felt like I sat on the fence between light and dark, moments of unimaginable peace and others of deep despair. Somehow I knew I had to leave. I knew I had to go back to church.

I went on a mission trip the summer after my sophomore year to Costa Rica, Nicaragua, and Panama. While I was there I had deja vu regularly and often times knew things before they happened. Some people may chalk this up to "hooby-dooby shit." The thing is, I'm not a new agie kind of person. I'm firmly grounded. I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. I swear to God about that. It was during that time I realized I was at a crossroads. Other people on the trip had visions about my choices, about what I should be doing. It became clearer and clearer that there was a major choice here. I could return to Bard or I could take a leave of absence and follow what I thought God was telling me I needed to do. I chose the latter.

I've always been asked whether or not I wanted to be a pastor. It's been the on-going question. When I started speaking, teaching, and leading workshops, more people began to ask that question. Over time it has become more and more persistent. In the past five years I've had more dreams, more deja vu, more directions. Like I said, I just follow where it seems I'm supposed to go (I even had a dream showing me that I should marry my husband).

Even Phoenix was a set of directions. I tried a couple of other paths that I thought should work, but it seemed they just weren't meant to be. You see, either everything falls into place for me and it is clear I should be doing something OR nothing does, and it's clear I shouldn't go in that direction. Moving to Phoenix mostly fell together. Now it just seems like a test. Either that, or I haven't been as true to my directions as I thought.

Fuller Seminary has an "outpost" here in Phoenix. When we were getting ready to move, I was finally resigning myself to the possibility of becoming a pastor. I wasn't sure what was available in Phoenix, but I thought I might be able to do some distance learning while Christian was doing his MMI thing. For some reason Fuller kept popping into my head. I looked at their website, and low and behold, they are here. Strange. Oh, and by the way, you can start during their Winter term (January 2009). I haven't finished the application because frankly I'm worried about being able to pay for that, rent (and basic necessities), as well as Christian's schooling.

I was worried about finding a church out here - so often church searching takes forever. Many times people never find a place that fits. But we were here a short time before the pastor of a church we really liked went and contacted US! If that's not divine intervention... I don't know what is.

How does this relate back to Joan? Well, in one of the episodes God asks her to take up guitar. I'm pretty much in that spot. I've always shied away from it because of my father's ridiculous skills. I never felt like I could quite measure up. That said, I have a beautiful little guitar made by a small furniture maker turned luthier. It sounds goregous (it's not a Lowden, but it's lovely). At lunch this past Sunday that same pastor asked me if I played any instruments. Meanwhile I've been posting on Craigslist that I was looking to join a band. The first serious offer I get loves my voice, and they really want some guitar. Seems it's time I finally learned to play.

We can't know how our actions will effect the lives around us. We just listen for God's voice everywhere and follow, trusting it is all done to bring about the Kingdom.