You may remember I was strongly considering seminary. I've decided to hold off on applying. I say this knowing that in 5 minutes time I may come to a completely different conclusion, and it is for that reason I think I cannot and should not go. With a mind so torn and a heart so hesitant, it seems it is not the right place or time.
That said, I know even as I told a friend of mine today, that ministers are not only made but are born. In fact, in many ways, it is much more likely to be born a minister than to be made into one. As a mentor and friend told me, one is a minister through action. A person can act a pastor without having the title "pastor" (just as, unfortunately, the opposite can hold true).
My love has always been to spread compassion and to move and transform conflict. My personal choices have always been around social change and understanding between people. Now it seems even more so, I find the difference between when I talk about seminary (which makes me anxious) and when I talk about interfaith dialogue, peace, and social change through interfaith cooperation.
As I explore some of the thoughts in Zen and The Art of Making a Living I find myself hopeful by the fact that yes, pursuing interfaith dialogue and cooperation is a fool's errand. It is so large, and so wonderful people find it to be too good to be true. Yet there are small interfaith groups sprouting up all over the world and all over our own country. It was only 100 years ago that Vivekananda spoke in Chicago about moving past petty differences and seeking those points of similarity between faiths. Some thought he was silly, others thought he had a point. At the time, nothing really became of it. Now we have movies like Kingdom of Heaven showing both poor interaction between faiths and successful cooperation between them. There is no doubt we have a long road ahead of us, and there is equally no doubt that we have traveled far.
Some might question my personal conviction regarding my own faith. "How can you say these others have any validity? You must not be a true Christian." To them I say this, have you truly wrestled with your convictions? Have you battled your demons of doubt and come out triumphant? When you have done this, then you are truly a person of your faith. A person born into a faith who has never questioned their faith completely and fully, cannot question a person who went out into their desert for 40 days and came out carried by angels. If you have not questioned, you cannot claim. If you cannot claim, you are not. You may tend towards a faith, but you are not ready to live the faith. You are not really ready to strive to become a better person. You are not ready to seek a deep and thoughtful relationship with the divine.
God is too large for any one person to know completely. To assume we know God's entire will would be foolhardy and presumptive. To assume that my way is the only way is foolish and presumptive. To say that I have the spiritual patent on truth is preposterous.
I do believe in my heart of hearts that Jesus' teachings and YHWH's Kingdom are the best and most direct path to God and spiritual truth. I will not deny it. However, I cannot say that Christianity is the best way for Indians, Chinese, and Egyptians. Cultural context is important. Geographical history is important. Family is important. Politics (sorry it's true) are important. Socio-economics are important. All these factors contribute to a situation where one faith may be a better (or direct) path to the Divine.
In the end, it is not which path we took, but it is the fact that we took a path at all that matters.
In Zen and The Art of Making a Living the author talks about how each person must interact with 4 Jungian archetypes (or primary myths). One of them, and the most important beginning, is the Hero. NOTE: It turns out "hero" and "heretical" are etymologically related. Huh. It makes me feel a little better about my fierce independence.
The Hero is the one who journeys. He (or she) strives after the idea, the goal, the dream. It may be a "fool's errand" and the Hero is ridiculed because often the thing worth striving for is the thing that seems most unlikely to the socially conventional. However, with persistence (especially through another archetype, the Warrior) it can be realized. Even through failure the Hero is successful because they journeyed. Heroes lay themselves out bare and naked and vulnerable. The journey can be a lonely one, especially at those times of fierce ridicule. Still...
I've said before and I'll say it again. You may not be happy doing your calling. BUT once you've heard your call, you can't be happy doing anything else.
This is a prayerful poem I wrote today:
Heart of hearts,
Find me like a heat-seeking missile
Destroying the false
Pretense
That which would lead me astray.
Leave only that of the purest call
Lonely
Hauntingly
Leading me
Embracingly
I become.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Just have to say...
WOOOHOOO!!! OBAMA NATION!!! OBAMA LAND!!! TRUTH AND FREEDOM AND SOUND JUDGEMENT AND CLEAN CAMPAIGNS WIN!!!
Perhaps this new administration will utilize the international support for good... I pray to God even from within a state where the same old unconstitutional local Phoenician politicians preside...
Perhaps this new administration will utilize the international support for good... I pray to God even from within a state where the same old unconstitutional local Phoenician politicians preside...
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Strangers in a Small Group
We're in a quandary. We're strangers in a strange land. And we feel it.
It hit home in the past few days. We're surrounded by a number of imports from California, so you'd think we might feel relatively comfortable despite the natural discomfort related to moving to a new place. However, this is not Santa Barbara. The bumper stickers for Obama are few and far between (as are, it should noted, McCain stickers). Fortunately there is a great deal of cultural mixing here, as there should be in a large city. However it is still a large city and therefore Phoenix has nooks, crannies, and neighborhoods.
While people are sweet and helpful, we feel like we have to hide who we are. In some ways it is worse for me, in others it is worse for Christian. Over the course of my life I have often felt like the heretic in the room. This means that I am relatively used to being careful with my words and how many toes I step on. At other points though, it becomes unbearable.
For example, the other night we went to small group. While we did share quite a bit, there were some issues that arose that made us uncomfortable. For someone like me who was raised in a community where all were welcome, I was taught to be sensitive with my words. It's very easy to be careless with one's words and thereby alienate half the room by using a single slur or poorly chosen phrase. When a person is surrounded by people who seem to be like them, it becomes easy to make fun or be careless, as there is a perceived level of comfort. The reality is, differences are much deeper than skin, sex, or the football team you support. Fundamentally, as people of faith we must choose words that help and do not hurt. We must use words that open doors rather than pigeonhole and stereotype. I should say that we all forget, we all make mistakes, and in a good community (as evidenced in small group) we reconcile and move past things. The mistake and reconciliation actually made Christian feel more comfortable than previously (this may be because he is more openhanded with his language than I am).
Another issue, which may be the difference of denomination (I can't be entirely sure) is the assumption that everyone in the room has more than a few basic beliefs in common. Some people find the belief that Mary was a "virgin" to be fundamental and incontrovertible. I would not. I'm not sure Mary was a "virgin", in fact, I'm pretty sure there was a simple change of a Greek word by a person after some time to "virgin" from "maiden." "Maiden" of course opens up a whole can of worms that most people don't want to touch with a 50 foot pole. After all, it's rather difficult to stomach that the person our faith surrounds could have been the illegitimate child of a rapist, or Joseph, or some other random Hebrew boy (or Roman for that matter - Mary was from a poor family and thus vulnerable). The only things we can be absolutely certain about are these: Mary was Jesus' mother. Jesus changed the course of history. God made wonderful things happen because of him, and the faith of millions rests on this man.
Another thing was the phrase "the holy spirit comforts". God is not comfortable. I do not think faith or religion or even your relationship with God can be comfortable. It is necessarily problematic, frightening, frustrating, and often discouraging. Sometimes on the other hand, it can be joyful to the point of pain, overwhelming, touching, and wonderous. A friend of mine (actually several) have told me often I appear as a person taking the drug Ectasy. Of course, I've never taken that drug (nor have I ever had the remotest curiousity about it) but I do find wonder in the smallest things in a day. A butterfly on an industrial street can make me stop and marvel (with no doubt a ridiculous smile on my face) which often makes companions shoot me incredulous looks and inspires nervous laughter. Apparently they aren't able to see what I see.
I feel like an alien. Christian feels homesick for his consistent and deep knowledge of people and places in Southern California. He also feels a bit like an alien, but more than anything, he feels like he is lying. He feels like he is lying about who he is, who we are, through omission. I told him I would answer any question a person posed (which I did in small group despite the obvious discomfort this caused me) I just don't want to rock the boat unnecessarily. Though I may have done so just now.
Our confusing experience caused us to consider other questions. What is the purpose of a small group? Why do we have it? Is it to learn? Is it to share our feelings and get to know one another? Who decides what we discuss? Who should decide and why? Should it be a free for all?
At one small group at my old church in New York the adults (I know this through remote reconisence missions rather than direct experience as I was rather young) met around a single question every two weeks. The question was "How have you experienced God in the past two weeks (it may have been every week...I can't remember exactly)?" I think this might have been around the time I started learning to enjoy and marvel at a single butterfly. I know that was when my dad began doing the same.
Small groups are a good thing. They force us to interact in ways we would not do in church, or possibly anywhere else. They're somewhere between Bible study, Sunday School, club meetings, and dinner parties (think 0,0 on an XY graph). They force things to come out that may have never come out otherwise. I feel after just one session, I might not only rock the boat if I'm not careful, I may even slingshot everyone out into shark infested waters. With any luck, we may be swallowed by a whale.
It hit home in the past few days. We're surrounded by a number of imports from California, so you'd think we might feel relatively comfortable despite the natural discomfort related to moving to a new place. However, this is not Santa Barbara. The bumper stickers for Obama are few and far between (as are, it should noted, McCain stickers). Fortunately there is a great deal of cultural mixing here, as there should be in a large city. However it is still a large city and therefore Phoenix has nooks, crannies, and neighborhoods.
While people are sweet and helpful, we feel like we have to hide who we are. In some ways it is worse for me, in others it is worse for Christian. Over the course of my life I have often felt like the heretic in the room. This means that I am relatively used to being careful with my words and how many toes I step on. At other points though, it becomes unbearable.
For example, the other night we went to small group. While we did share quite a bit, there were some issues that arose that made us uncomfortable. For someone like me who was raised in a community where all were welcome, I was taught to be sensitive with my words. It's very easy to be careless with one's words and thereby alienate half the room by using a single slur or poorly chosen phrase. When a person is surrounded by people who seem to be like them, it becomes easy to make fun or be careless, as there is a perceived level of comfort. The reality is, differences are much deeper than skin, sex, or the football team you support. Fundamentally, as people of faith we must choose words that help and do not hurt. We must use words that open doors rather than pigeonhole and stereotype. I should say that we all forget, we all make mistakes, and in a good community (as evidenced in small group) we reconcile and move past things. The mistake and reconciliation actually made Christian feel more comfortable than previously (this may be because he is more openhanded with his language than I am).
Another issue, which may be the difference of denomination (I can't be entirely sure) is the assumption that everyone in the room has more than a few basic beliefs in common. Some people find the belief that Mary was a "virgin" to be fundamental and incontrovertible. I would not. I'm not sure Mary was a "virgin", in fact, I'm pretty sure there was a simple change of a Greek word by a person after some time to "virgin" from "maiden." "Maiden" of course opens up a whole can of worms that most people don't want to touch with a 50 foot pole. After all, it's rather difficult to stomach that the person our faith surrounds could have been the illegitimate child of a rapist, or Joseph, or some other random Hebrew boy (or Roman for that matter - Mary was from a poor family and thus vulnerable). The only things we can be absolutely certain about are these: Mary was Jesus' mother. Jesus changed the course of history. God made wonderful things happen because of him, and the faith of millions rests on this man.
Another thing was the phrase "the holy spirit comforts". God is not comfortable. I do not think faith or religion or even your relationship with God can be comfortable. It is necessarily problematic, frightening, frustrating, and often discouraging. Sometimes on the other hand, it can be joyful to the point of pain, overwhelming, touching, and wonderous. A friend of mine (actually several) have told me often I appear as a person taking the drug Ectasy. Of course, I've never taken that drug (nor have I ever had the remotest curiousity about it) but I do find wonder in the smallest things in a day. A butterfly on an industrial street can make me stop and marvel (with no doubt a ridiculous smile on my face) which often makes companions shoot me incredulous looks and inspires nervous laughter. Apparently they aren't able to see what I see.
I feel like an alien. Christian feels homesick for his consistent and deep knowledge of people and places in Southern California. He also feels a bit like an alien, but more than anything, he feels like he is lying. He feels like he is lying about who he is, who we are, through omission. I told him I would answer any question a person posed (which I did in small group despite the obvious discomfort this caused me) I just don't want to rock the boat unnecessarily. Though I may have done so just now.
Our confusing experience caused us to consider other questions. What is the purpose of a small group? Why do we have it? Is it to learn? Is it to share our feelings and get to know one another? Who decides what we discuss? Who should decide and why? Should it be a free for all?
At one small group at my old church in New York the adults (I know this through remote reconisence missions rather than direct experience as I was rather young) met around a single question every two weeks. The question was "How have you experienced God in the past two weeks (it may have been every week...I can't remember exactly)?" I think this might have been around the time I started learning to enjoy and marvel at a single butterfly. I know that was when my dad began doing the same.
Small groups are a good thing. They force us to interact in ways we would not do in church, or possibly anywhere else. They're somewhere between Bible study, Sunday School, club meetings, and dinner parties (think 0,0 on an XY graph). They force things to come out that may have never come out otherwise. I feel after just one session, I might not only rock the boat if I'm not careful, I may even slingshot everyone out into shark infested waters. With any luck, we may be swallowed by a whale.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
A Hobbity Hoy or something else...
Sometime during my first week at work it hit me. This is obviously an in between time. There are all kinds of obligations and requirements I need to meet, so it makes sense that I'd have a job that would allow me to meet these. I like the job (well, the training for the job) and I like the people who work there. They're nice, even if many seem to have opposite political and theological positions.
The more that came out about me to the groups, the more clear it became that this is a resting point for me. A stop on my journey meant to be relatively short lived before making the next jump to whatever I'm meant to do. I really am working a job just so Christian can get through school. Once he has his paper (and possibly a BA from my employer, or at least a few credits) all bets are off. Although, this would likely coincide with a great move anyway. Christian is hinting he wants to move over seas, this appeals to me as I find I generally enjoy being in new places surrounded by new things and conquering new problems. Once things settle down and break into a routine all too similar to a rut, I break and run. It's over. Everything is done.
I took a personality test (or I should say a couple) because a friend's blog sporting his results inspired me. It became clear as I reviewed results that I'm on the relatively right path (they suggest career paths and mine were largely: pastor, public speaker, writer, editor, musician, theologian etc...). So my current incarnation as an Academic Advisor is certainly a spring board and a jumping off point. My "hobbity hoy" or something similar. A "hobbity hoy" according to my great grandmother and my father is "somewhere betwixt a man and a boy." Obviously I'm not talking about a male person but my career, my purpose or path. Apparently it's male. But seeing as I'm not particularly interested in learning how to make rose bushes out of fondant, it might be the correct gender application.
Sigh.
Another thing which is "betwixt" is Christian's job situation. Our finances are still shaky (a recurring theme for many Americans, and indeed people all over the world). I'm not sure when my check will come through (hopefully the end of this week) and our reserves are nearly dry thanks to our car tires being replaced. The pressure to take overtime right now is high, despite the anxiety created by a semester start this week. Needless to say Christian feels guilty even buying milk.
Our church and our new friends are a small source of comfort. Game nights at friends' houses are sooo good after pizza and milk! Our praise/worship band is totally taking off (some how we recruited Christian to playing djembe, and inspired someone to play keys, though that person may change from week to week. Next Sunday we'll also have a bassist!). Hopefully we'll be able to attend a small group session on Thursdays at a bandmate's house.
Things are shaky, but at least they're standing up. We may be wobbly but we're not lying down. It's a small comfort, and also source of anxiety...as if at any time everything could crash down around us. May God provide buttresses all along our path...
The more that came out about me to the groups, the more clear it became that this is a resting point for me. A stop on my journey meant to be relatively short lived before making the next jump to whatever I'm meant to do. I really am working a job just so Christian can get through school. Once he has his paper (and possibly a BA from my employer, or at least a few credits) all bets are off. Although, this would likely coincide with a great move anyway. Christian is hinting he wants to move over seas, this appeals to me as I find I generally enjoy being in new places surrounded by new things and conquering new problems. Once things settle down and break into a routine all too similar to a rut, I break and run. It's over. Everything is done.
I took a personality test (or I should say a couple) because a friend's blog sporting his results inspired me. It became clear as I reviewed results that I'm on the relatively right path (they suggest career paths and mine were largely: pastor, public speaker, writer, editor, musician, theologian etc...). So my current incarnation as an Academic Advisor is certainly a spring board and a jumping off point. My "hobbity hoy" or something similar. A "hobbity hoy" according to my great grandmother and my father is "somewhere betwixt a man and a boy." Obviously I'm not talking about a male person but my career, my purpose or path. Apparently it's male. But seeing as I'm not particularly interested in learning how to make rose bushes out of fondant, it might be the correct gender application.
Sigh.
Another thing which is "betwixt" is Christian's job situation. Our finances are still shaky (a recurring theme for many Americans, and indeed people all over the world). I'm not sure when my check will come through (hopefully the end of this week) and our reserves are nearly dry thanks to our car tires being replaced. The pressure to take overtime right now is high, despite the anxiety created by a semester start this week. Needless to say Christian feels guilty even buying milk.
Our church and our new friends are a small source of comfort. Game nights at friends' houses are sooo good after pizza and milk! Our praise/worship band is totally taking off (some how we recruited Christian to playing djembe, and inspired someone to play keys, though that person may change from week to week. Next Sunday we'll also have a bassist!). Hopefully we'll be able to attend a small group session on Thursdays at a bandmate's house.
Things are shaky, but at least they're standing up. We may be wobbly but we're not lying down. It's a small comfort, and also source of anxiety...as if at any time everything could crash down around us. May God provide buttresses all along our path...
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